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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Brock McLean vs The Fairfax Bunny - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Brock McLean vs The Fairfax Bunny - OWC  (currently 2651 views)
Don
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 10:18am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Brock McLean vs The Fairfax Bunny by Anna Del Amico - Short, Action, Comedy - A confident swindler attempts to track down the “bunny man” that has been terrorizing a small town.  - pdf, format


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irish eyes
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 1:37pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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The writing was clean but I felt the story was just a little long in the tooth. It took 9 pages before we actually met the bunny in question.

Overall your characters were well written and it flowed pretty easy, not a whole lot of comedy if that's what you were going for.

Good job


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pale yellow
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 1:50pm Report to Moderator
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Ok I LOVE the title and I LOVE the logline here. Now let's see if the story can deliver.

Great visuals and descriptions for your characters. And their actions seem to fit their names. Good character work here although I didn't get the first exchange between Brock and Lucas.

The Andy and Barney gestures was kind of cute but this thing doesn't feel like action or comedy to be honest. But I did laugh at this line of dialogue
BROCK (CONT’D)
Listen here, chief. Your days of
terrorizing people are over, you
feel me.

Hmmm not sure what to say. I'm left not sure I got it. Maybe I'll read this again. Decent story although a bit confusing. Strange. But I like strange.

Good job.




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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 1:50pm Report to Moderator
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This read a little like Curse of the Were Rabbit, not necessarily a bad thing but I also thiught there were elements of the this where it could be edited down to a tighter and shorter script.

Was a reasonable read but for me the humour just didn't come across strongly enough.

Decent attempt.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
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IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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eldave1
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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A terrified REDHEAD, face scratched, rushes out from the overpass as –

Was the REDHEAD a man, child, girl, boy????

A crowd of concerned CITIZENS barrage SHERIFF WEST, 50s, tired and ready for early retirement, with questions.

What does ready for early retirement look like?
Loved the title and the log line.

The script got long winded for me at times. I think there is room to cut.

Some lines were pretty funny. I particularly like this:


Quoted Text
Brock ponders before brushing a hand through his thick, well trimmed hair.

BROCK
Premature hair loss... poor bastard.


Some excellent descriptions. e.g,


Quoted Text
It’s white fur stained with crimson, sharp nails that might as well be talons and large pointy teeth.


A couple of hiccups in the action for me were these two:


Quoted Text
The Bunny obviously doesn’t respond -- a talking bunny, now that would be stupid.

Yeah, like the Bunny gives a fuck. It menacingly hops towards Lucas whose confidence falters and he cowers.


Not sure that would really be in a script.

Overall, decent effort.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dustin
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Where does he being a swindler come into the story? Fairly well told... it just does nothing for me.


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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Urban Legend : Bunnyman

Why IS CCR's Bad Moon Rising' playing on the radio? It's 1966. Oops.  (the song was released in April 1969) And that's one reason why scribes should not mention specific songs in scripts.

Some grammar/spelling errors here and there. Keep an eye out for them (too=to; see's =sees and so on) I'll also include a pet peeve of mine - misspelled words for the expense of comic relief. ('Holy reads Holly.)

He picks up a hair and studies it. Was this a writer playing cute? (hare) because they would bag it and examine it elsewhere. It's just one hair, what's to study?

It takes a few seconds for each to process what they saw
Why write all that? If at all?

a talking bunny, now that would be stupid.
Yeah, like the Bunny gives a fuck

Yes, it is stupid.
No, i don't care either.
Pisser in the wind.
.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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Ryan1
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 5:55pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley
Urban Legend : Bunnyman

Why IS CCR's Bad Moon Rising' playing on the radio? It's 1966. Oops.  (the song was released in April 1969) And that's one reason why scribes should not mention specific songs in scripts.


The script starts in October 1970.  Oops.

So, this story is a fairly well told smirk-a-thon.  The "out there" tone is sustained throughout.  Problem was, there was simply too much build-up to what turned out to be a straightforward monster tale.  No real explanation given for how this mutated hare came into being.  Somehow, I think it would have worked better if it turned out to be a deranged man in a bunny suit, as per the original legend.

This could easily be trimmed by three or four pages.  The jokes started getting stale by the end.  Was hoping for a crazy twist, but it never came.  Certainly not a bad effort for a week's notice, but had the potential to be a lot more.  

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stevie
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
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Odd one this. Not that comedy in it and a bit of action. If you made the bunny antics more slapstick I think it would better. It isn't really funny enough to play straight if you get me.

The name Brock McLean is funny too. Here in Oz, he's an Aussie rules player for Carlton lol


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nawazm11
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 5:50am Report to Moderator
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Another Bunny Man script, also a comedy!

Not entirely sure why the two fellows are trying to kill the bunny, and I have to be honest, I don't even know who they are. Maybe I missed something in the read but it might need to be clearer. Their relationship could also be established better.

The comedy fell short quite a few times as well, I'm gonna chalk a lot of that to the page length but without really knowing the protags, it was hard to get behind the story. Unless of course, they somehow are already established in the myth itself?

The writing was fine, not a lot to smite you on. I might even have a clue who wrote this.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 6:18am Report to Moderator
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Most (all?) comedies are pretty stale.

Doesn't do much new with the legend, the jokes largely fell flat and it was too drawn out.


I haven't given a single positive review this whole OWC, so don't feel too bad!!!!!
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Stumpzian
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 12:50pm Report to Moderator
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Another Bunnyman script with a character named Lucas.

A general rule: Don't write comedy unless you know how. That applies here.

The script constantly reaches for laughs but misses throughout. ("Premature hair loss, poor bastard" is the exception.) Stock characters, Andy-Barney references, Bugs Bunny reference, character named Easter, "I know karate," carrots, and on and on. It makes me tired.



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Reef Dreamer
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 5:12pm Report to Moderator
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bunny man etc

sorry i didn't know the other character -

it came across as a mix between wallace and gromit and the curse of the weir rabbit and anchorman - you don't get to say that very often

a few lines worked, but it dragged a bit and got a little goofy for me

all the best


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wonkavite
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
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I really like this one.  Goofy and fun.  That makes TWO Bunny Man scripts in this OWC.  And I didn't even know about this legend before....

Yes, there are typos.  Easily fixed.
Two tweaks that I think will make this script even better:

1) Cut a bit of the banter back and forth with the two con men.  It's great stuff.  But it could be truncated.

2) What I was expecting was Brock to pull a Con, where he tells Lucas to dress up as the Bunny Man and Brock "scares him off" - and collects a ransom from the townsfolk... only to find out that the Giant Bunny really exists, and must be killed...  Frankly, I think that'd add a great extra level to this script.  A slippery con, then the inevitable twist!
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Leegion
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 7:35pm Report to Moderator
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Kinda reminded me of Supernatural in a way, two folks hunting a monster and all.

The Bunny Man is an unfamiliar tale to me, but this was something straight out the mind of a writer who blatantly enjoys nutty horror comedies, and might be a fan of Supernatural as made clear by my "this reminded me of Supernatural" intro.  

As far as Urban Legends go, a gigantic psychopathic Bugs Bunny might just be at the top of my "fear" list beside "clowns".  They're cute and cuddly, but this one would rather slash your face off and eat your guts than sit there all day doing nothing.

Kinda makes me wonder though... and this isn't your problem... how did the bunny get so big?  Is it like Godzilla or something?  Another question for another day, I suppose.

Fun entry, enjoyable to the end.  Hippity Hop, the Bunny drops.
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