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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Preview Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 26th, 2015, 9:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Preview by Richard Russell - Short, Drama - A hospice desperately wishes to learn if there is life after death, and he gets his wish. 7 pages - pdf, format


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 8th, 2015, 11:27am Report to Moderator
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Hey Rich - you seem to be having a purple patch, a number of new shorts up - good stuff.

Loved the idea of this one, OBEs are a fascinating idea and the premise of tagging along on one is great... but...

This read a little like an early draft and has a few errors and typos, e.g.
take the Old Woman’s hand - no need to capitalise
There's a few like this that would benefit from a review and polish.

I'm not an expert on this type of person, but I'm sure they aren;t supposed to go round turning monitors and drips off?

And the convicted prisoner going to the other place... sorry this didn't work for me, a little too obvious... what about a normal person and he swaps places with the patient?

Anyway, a ton of promise in this one and great idea.

Anthony  


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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RichardR
Posted: March 9th, 2015, 7:46am Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

Thansk for the feedback.  

No, these people don't turn off drips, but this guy is a bit desperate, and when he finds the criminal, well, he can't resist.  But murder is still murder, so he gets his just reward also.  OBEs produce some fascinating possibilities.  Thanks for reading.

Best
Richard
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: March 9th, 2015, 10:26am Report to Moderator
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Hi Richard,

Errors in the logline. - A hospice desperately wishes to learn if there is life after death, and he gets his wish.

I imagine a word or two is missing! A simple enough mistake but a mistake in the logline could and does stop people reading any further, especially those in the industry who read hundreds of scripts.

As it was I read the rest and found it very interesting. SPOILERS - You didn't do enough to convince me Rickert could get away with killing patients, nor did I buy he would be doing this simply because he read something online about dying patients sharing out of body experiences.  With a bit of work though, this could be more convincing as the sentiment and desperation does come across. Overall I liked the idea and even though I guessed how it would end it still seemed the right way to go.

Good job,

Mark


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