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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Hook, Line & Cyber Moderators: bert
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  Author    Hook, Line & Cyber  (currently 1122 views)
Don
Posted: April 1st, 2015, 6:10pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Hook, Line & Cyber by Marqus Bobesich - Comedy - A bumbling foreigner battles the craziness that is Los Angeles to surprise his "internet lover", only to discover she works for a bogus dating site. 90 pages - pdf, format


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Josh
Posted: April 2nd, 2015, 1:08am Report to Moderator
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For your logline, I would recommend keeping the twist vague (I'm not advocating to make the meaning unclear, but add some mystery)

It's an interesting premise though, so I took a look.


Quoted Text
A VHS tape is being looped:

should just be "A VHS tape loops". I noticed that a few times, where you use passive language where it could easily be active.

Overall, though, I liked the way this opened. I expected it to be one of those "clever for the sake of being clever" sequences, but in actuality it tied in with the introduction of the story quite well.

When Marty says

Quoted Text
And the whole, you know... one leg shorter than the other.

I feel like that could have been executed a little better, have him say something like "You know... the leg situation" and have her walk off, where we SEE that one of her legs is shorter.


Quoted Text
The club manager CHRIS THE GREASY GREEK -- all brill cream, bad English, and bargain bin tuxedo

I feel like this might have been reaching too far, to the point where it's pretty offensive. Maybe just call him CHRIS, that would add a little subtlety.

At page 6, the montage for me doesn't work very well. Why not just dedicate a scene to introducing his father? I feel like that could ease into him courting Valentina instead of just plopping his whole home life in a short montage.

The scene with "Buffalo Girl" was funny, but would've worked better somewhere else. Actually, a lot of these scenes feel a bit like short vignettes that would work infinitely better in the right contexts.

page 13 - "passed" should be "past".

Stopped at page 15. I liked your premise, a comedic catfish, but right now this seems a bit scatterbrained to deliver the laughs optimally. A sweep of the script and reworking would make this a lot better. I like your protagonist, and that's a big plus.


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