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American Girl by D.W. Liu - Short, Drama - A sincere black lady turns the bigotry of a Chinese restaurant owner into the best weapon to save him and his 8-year-old daughter during an armed robbery. 19 pages - pdf, format
Thanks for reading the script, and I really appreciate your excellent critique. The points are well taken. I'll definitely address the weakness you mentioned in the next rewrite.
Most comments should be as tasty as carry out. Read with a dash of soy sauce.
The general rule of scene writing is to arrive late and leave early. I. Other words, give the audience the meat.
Try trimming the beginning since Amy is going to go over the doll stuff with the black woman. Go right there. I think you draw out the confrontation far too long. And since Amy is the focus, have her give the hint to the black woman. And work out how she can get the hoodie guy to leave. Amy is our focus. Use her.
One more suggestion. Try to have Amy and the black woman trade gifts. Amy has daisy, mrs. Williams has gabby. They're both happy and fulfilled
Keep us guessing with dialogue and push the envelop.
Thanks for the critique. I really appreciate it. The idea of trading gifts between Amy and Mrs. William is great, and the point is well taken about going to the point ("meat") quicker. It's one of the skills I need to hone in future writings.