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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Cutting Room Floor Moderators: bert
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  Author    Cutting Room Floor  (currently 889 views)
Don
Posted: April 19th, 2015, 10:32am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cutting Room Floor by Steve Fauquier - Short, Drama - A reoccurring character who believes scene changes are a form of time travel attempts to navigate through a work in progress that may never see the light of day. 29 pages - pdf, format


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DanC
Posted: April 19th, 2015, 1:00pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Hi there,
    I'm reading your screenplay right now.

It's a tiny bit confusing, but, I get what is going on from your logline.  IF I didn't know that, I'd be totally lost.

You might want to play that up when Connor talks, like his personalty changes daily depending on such and such.

Bottom page 3, the young woman says:  Like, don't you mean LOOK?  I think it reads better with look...  JMHO.

I'm on page 7 and it's still too complicated.   Personally, I'd like to see you dive in with the mythology of what you are trying to create.  You ever see Last Action Hero, it's a similar idea in theory.

Okay, since he's at the beckon call of the writer, and it seems like the doctor has a connection to the writer, couldn't the doctor have the writer just write that Connor wakes from a great sleep, fully awake?  Or have the end of his sexcapes done etc...

Instead of saying Coke or Pepsi, b/c you don't want to have to pay anything for those rights, I'd go with Soda or some other slang for a pop bottle.

On page 19 and it's still way too vague for my taste.  You should be on the other side of the puzzle now, for us, the viewers to understand what is going on.

On page 25 you say WE FOLLOW.  I'd stay away from that kind of stuff.  Find a different way that doesn't infringe on what the director or cameraman usually decides.

Eh, I read it all the way through and the only reason I knew what was going on was because of your logline.  Otherwise, I would have had no clue.

You can't rely on the logline to clue in the reader.  What if I'm a reader for a contest.  I don't get a logline, just page 1 of your script with no identification.  

You state that he jumps around.  He doesn't, he's written around.  But, you offer no reason why the series was cancelled, or why the writer changed his mind on the character.  I love the premise that the characters have feelings.  But, you don't carry it far enough.

Again, watch Last Action Hero.  In it, a guy from the movies is brought here to our world.  And when he learns that he lost his wife and children for our amusement, he's really shaken up.  You want to give him emotion, but, you don't go far enough.

Instead, you cut him from place to place, with no real purpose.  Some of the dialog is pretty good, but, like with all of us, it can use help.  

You have a really fascinating idea, but, it isn't executed very well.  You need to think how are you gonna tell us what is going on from inside the story, without stating it?  Will he find something, will he do something that the writer didn't plan on.  Why was he terminated?  I had gotten the idea that the cabbie had quite a few dealings.  

What was the purpose for the female in the cab's car?  Is she the new "it" guy?  Is she Connor's replacement?  We never see her again.

Like I said, it was too confusing and too unfocused to be everything that it could have been.  Not bad for a first draft, but, you really need to rethink how you are gonna make the story as good as your logline.

Good luck with it
Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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