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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Placebo Button - OWC
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  Author    Placebo Button - OWC  (currently 3053 views)
Don
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Placebo Button by 0 - Short, Thriller - After a traumatic encounter in an elevator, a dejected man risks his life in an effort to save one stranger from another. 11 pages - pdf, format


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Max
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was well written but I have to say... I was confused by the ending and the switching of Jack and Gary, I didn't connect the dots. There was a building tension throughout the piece... but I got a bit lost trying to follow what was actually going on and that's probably my fault. I'm not all that clever sometimes at figuring things out on the page.

I'm going to give this another read later and give my final thoughts, it would be too early for me to give it a score.

It might click for me later, it's only fair that I give it another read because it did build really well and some of the imagery which was painted I could picture, for example... the elevator doors constantly trying to close on Jack, the falling back on the marble floor ect.

I would like some others to chime in on this one because it was well constructed, holla back peeps.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 5:37pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this until it lost me when Jack became his father... er I think.

It is well written and I think I figured it out after a few mins of thinking but it needs to be clearer imho.

Jack's a little wet too, I know he's grieving but I wanted a litle more action from him earlier on.

Not bad though.

Anthony  


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 10:11pm Report to Moderator
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This could be visually stylish, kinda like a Michael Mann vibe. The mind game the story plays is engaging, but after a few repeat viewings—can the audience draw a conclusion?

I'll take a stab here, there seems to be a "puppet" symmetry between Jack & Gary. It's symmetrical, but I'm having a hard time trying to figure it out myself. Part of me is like Quantum Leap, and another is thinking time travel. This is a well written brain buster, my friend.
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khamanna
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 7:08am Report to Moderator
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Okay, so something happened in Jack's life and he's Gary. Or it's Gary that Jack. Double identity, probably bad conscious, something on Jack's conscious that keeps bothering him - either one would be an excellent idea and a little bit of clarity would let know which of the two was it - is Gary Jack's another identity, or Jack did something in the past he really regrets.

Or maybe he did take smthing, like security guard said, that messed up his mind?

This could be excellent and I suggest you rewrite and make it clearer.
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eldave1
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
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Nicely written. Some rather complicated set ups that the author did a great job of letting me see clearly. The dialogue was spot on. The opening page was riveting. First 2/3rds  of the script were really good

Then, I got lost in the ending. It just didn't pan out for me. I re-checked the title and the log line for clues - tried to find out what I was missing. Couldn't find it. That was disappointing because I really enjoyed the journey of the story until the end. I have a suggested alternative  for the ending - PM me if you are interested.


A couple of very minor comments:


Quoted Text
With the gun still pressed against his temple, Jack glances
up at a security camera covered by a handkerchief.


The first thing I thought when I read this was wouldn't the security guy be extremely alarmed by someone concealing the camera?? The story would end there. I think you need to nuke the camera.


Quoted Text
LOUISA (CONT’D)
Don’t touch me.

Louisa recoils, she backs away from Jack.


Very minor - but I think it reads more natural if she recoils first and then the dialogue. I think the instant physical reaction would precede the verbal - but that may be just me.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Simon
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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I'm basically just going to repeat what other people have said. It was well written, but at times confusing.


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DanC
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 1:34am Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I was lost at the end.  it was good, until the twist, then I got lost.

Sorry.

8/10


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

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rendevous
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 6:22am Report to Moderator
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I've no doubt some call a lift 'a cab', but I'm not one of them. Every time I see it I imagine they're in the back of a taxi.

The series of shots reminded me of Jack in the Shining. No, not like that. Like "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." I think they need a bit of work. Even if you just phrase them differently it would be an improvement.

I thought a lot of this was pretty good. It is a bit bewildering in parts, and some things could be clearer. Overall though there's some clever stuff going on. As per some parts needs improvement.

Still, it is one of the better ones I've read so far.

R


Out Of Character - updated


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The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 6:48am Report to Moderator
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I liked the first half, then started to lose the plot and became completely lost. Is this all in his head or something?

I think if you make this clearer it will be really good. As it is, it's nicely written with some great visuals, a good build-up but it didn't pan out.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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RichardR
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 9:18am Report to Moderator
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Like the others, the ending lost me.  Perhaps Jack was re-living his father's death or joining him.  Were Louisa and the stranger real?  Got me.  Was any of it real?  Got me.  

Best
Richard
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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God this was slick..until I got confused.

You are a good writer. May be time was short and you couldn't fine tune the end..I know the feeling.

Good writing. Not quite there. Oh I did like this. In fact I was seriously impressed. Oh so close.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Max
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
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I still don't know what happened.

All I know is that something awful happened to the Leopolds, I haven't quite figured it out yet.


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stevemiles
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, went back over this a couple of times and I’m sorry to say I just couldn’t piece it together.  There’s a clue in here somewhere, but I can’t for the life of me see the where, how or when.  Pity as this was shaping up to be in the top three I’d read so far.  

All I can guess is Jack is forcing himself to ‘relive’ the events leading up to his parents murders as seen through some-kind of delusional nightmare…

I’m guessing poor old Gary (and Elise) were the victims of a con-job from Stranger and Louisa. What could be clearer (at least hinted at) is if the culprits are actually present in the building or figments of Jack’s imagination.  The security guard had info on the crime; an extra clue as to the fate of the culprits could’ve gone some way to better understanding our current time-frame and your intent.

Or I could be completely wrong.  In any case the story is strong enough to make me want to know and that’s something.

Writing was solid and built both tension and atmosphere.  Dialogue was to the point and organic.  Characters had a sense of mystery, though without a better understanding of how we reach that ending I’m left disconnected from Jack.  Was his suicide out of guilt?  Remorse?  His inability to get revenge?


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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stevie
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
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Yep, to echo everyone else...excellent first half. Was looking forward to a great conclusion but it sorta lost its way. Shame as it would've become my fave one.



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