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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Bear Trap Moderators: bert
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  Author    Bear Trap  (currently 1236 views)
Don
Posted: June 5th, 2015, 8:15am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bear Trap by Johan August - Short, Drama - Tom takes big measures to get back at an acquaintance that owes him money. 16 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Dustin
Posted: June 5th, 2015, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Code

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
TOM(23), JERRY(23) and KONRAD(23) are sitting in the
living room, talking. Tom and Jerry are brothers, named
after the famous cartoon characters. Tom is broad
shouldered, a bit bigger than Jerry. Tom and Jerry wear
dark colored sweaters and normal jeans. Konrad is a friend
of theirs. Jerry is drinking from a can of soda.



One of the early warning signs of an amateur is large blocks of text on the first page. Couple that with your unimpressive logline and I'm out. I will however tell you why. Maybe you will learn something, or maybe I'll just be a dick for telling you. Or, maybe, I'm doing it to massage my ego. So, I'm not really sure now. I wouldn't want to be a dick or be accused of helping people simply to massage my own ego.

If you're around, I'll give you some hints on how you can improve... but only if you ask me to.


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JohanM
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 11:41am Report to Moderator
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Hello Dustin. I'm new to this. If i want to re-write do i simply delete my script and upload the new draft?
And please, give me the hints
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Max
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 11:44am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JohanM
Hello Dustin. I'm new to this. If i want to re-write do i simply delete my script and upload the new draft?
And please, give me the hints


Nah mate, just send the updated one in through the same submission form and add a little note so don knows what's what.


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JohanM
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 11:45am Report to Moderator
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Okay, thank you
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Dustin
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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5390
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Code

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
TOM(23), JERRY(23) and KONRAD(23) are sitting in the
living room, talking. Tom and Jerry are brothers, named
after the famous cartoon characters. Tom is broad
shouldered, a bit bigger than Jerry. Tom and Jerry wear
dark colored sweaters and normal jeans. Konrad is a friend
of theirs. Jerry is drinking from a can of soda.



In a screenplay you're only meant to write what we can see on screen. We couldn't see on screen that they are named after the famous cartoon characters unless there is a letter or somebody says it in dialogue. As it can't be filmed it shouldn't be in the action.

Also, you need to learn to write more actively. Rather than writing Tom, Jerry and Konrad are sitting you should write, Tom, Jerry and Konrad sit...

Watch out for the word is too. Rather than Jerry is drinking from a can of soda. Jerry drinks a soda. Does it matter if it's out of a can? Most likely not and I'd rather keep those sentences to the point.

You should always capitalise I. Don't be lazy with it. Why would you have I in lowercase, time and time again? Are you deliberately trying to put people off reading your work?

Code

decicive



decisive?

Code

Tom is approaching Evanís house. When
he comes to the door he starts to look around for the key.



Watch out for starts and begins. In a screenplay, people don't start to do things, they just do them. Rather than he starts to run, he runs.

Code

Itís amazing
how many people that actually hides their key not even
five feet away from the front door.



That is not filmable. Asides, even ones like this can be ok when done well. It doesn't work here.

Code

On the ground
lay the destroyed mailbox.



lies. Not lay. You did this earlier in the script too.

The dialogue is lengthy. It needs a few drafts to get this right. If you make the changes that I've mentioned, you should get more reads. Some of the dialogue is pretty funny.


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JohanM
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you very much! I have fixed a lot of what you mentioned.
That about capitalizing the I, I had simply forgotten about that rule.  
When you say the dialogue is lengthy, do you mean it's a bit too much dialogue in the script?
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RichardR
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 1:39pm Report to Moderator
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Johan,

Comments can be a trap.  Read with clear eyes.

This one is far too long for what happens.  I like the idea that this guy wants to use a bear trap to get back at someone.  I was hoping it would be more clever than to simply put it in the house.  and then, there's a bunch of talk that really doesn't push the envelope.  And now, bear trap victim decides to get back by blowing up a mail box?  Yeah, that will do it.  And these guys replace the mail box by stealing one?  I don't get it.  Last, our protag manages to best bear trap victim and his buds, and victim wields a bat.  I can't find myself buying this.  I'm guessing vic will take the broken teeth if it means beating the bejesus out of the protag.  But that's me.  In any case, cut this in half and you'll have made a good start on a rewrite.

Best
Richard
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JohanM
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Richard. Blowing up the mailbox was just to deliver the message. He wanted to get back at him by beating him up.
They replace it by stealing one, yes.
He's to scared, he doesn't want his teeth broken, even if it means beating up the protagonist.
Those were some of my thoughts when i wrote it.

I guess it could be shorter. I tried to add a little more dialogue so that the reader could get to know the caracters a little bit. Might have been to much.

Thanks for the comment
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RKeller
Posted: October 13th, 2015, 9:35am Report to Moderator
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Pg 1
Your opening line is weak.

------------------------------------
JERRY
(opens mouth, wide)
Hey, look at that black spot on my molar.

Konrad puts his face in Jerry's face, examines. Tom shows indifference

KONRAD
Open wider. That looks painful.
------------------------------------

Tom's could be funnier, and just because Jerry says so doesn't make it true.

TOM
He went right from sucking on breasts to sucking on soda.  I think he misses mom.

african -> African

i -> I

Jokes on skin color leaching into mother's milk may not be as ironic as you think.

Pg 2
bible -> Bible

Is it important the the bear trap is medium?

You follow Tom into another room without a SLUGLINE.


Pg 3
If you use a lower-case i one more time, i'm gonna stop reading.  If you don't take the time to use standard, edited English, neither will i.

Strike three: you wrote im instead of the centuries-old, industry-standard I'm. im out.  best of luk.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: October 13th, 2015, 10:01am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RichardR


Comments can be a trap.  Read with clear eyes.

Best
Richard


What does that mean? Use Visine? I kid. Seriously, what do you mean when you write this? I have seen you write this before.
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