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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Burglars Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 19th, 2015, 1:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Burglars by Sam Penn-Simkins - Short, Comedy - Rob robbed it, Nick nicked it and Jack jacked it. Together they are the burglars. Each episode they try and organise a robbery from someone whoís annoyed them, or they set a challenge for themselves if they see something they like the look of. The Burglars are called ROB, NICK and JACK as they are words used to describe stealing something. For example they would say they Rob robbed it if itís Rob, Nick nicked it if itís Nick or Jack jacked it if itís Jack.  46 pages - pdf, format


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Dustin
Posted: July 19th, 2015, 2:25pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Wow... that's some logline. You seem young, but then I read Stig of the Dump... which was a British book they made us read at school in the 80s, not sure if it sold in the US.

Then you use 'mate', 'old bill' and then 'ass'. You need to make up your mind if this is American or British.


Code

Establishing shot of the High Street, the High Street is
urban with people walking round shops. Each one of the
BURGLARS is being chased by the POLICE after trying to steal
from the same place. They manage to find a DUMPSTER to hide
in and evade the POLICEíS capture. The camera first follows
ROB running down the street followed by NICK a few seconds
later. JACK is the last one to run down the street.



All you have to do is put URBAN HIGH STREET in the slug. The way this is written, all of the burglars are running along the same high street.

You need to write actively. Write only what we see happening. How do we know they tried to steal from the same place? Show, don't tell. Even if you have to do it in dialogue, use that. Don't tell in the action until you know how to do it properly.


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