But For The Water and The Wind by Steven Clark - Short, Drama - Asleep and drifting out to sea in an inner tube, a woman finds that her regrets have followed her. 4 pages - pdf, format

Hey ya Steve - I tried - but I just didn't get the gist of the story.

On the format itself:

Why do you have several instances of Maggie's dialogue in italics?

e.g.,

Quoted Text MAGGIE I won't listen to you! Do you hear me? I won't listen to you again

Quoted Text MAGGIE Over here. Hey! Over here

This is going to be a bit contradictory to some posts I have made in the past - but the lack of articles in your description is noticeable to the point of distraction.

Quoted Text Blinks away the sleep from her eyes.

Need Maggie or She at the beginning

Quoted Text Opens her mouth as if to cry for help.

Same as above

Quoted Text Clutches the bottle against her chest, throws her head back and laughs.

Same as above

This is an issue throughout.

Good luck with this.

Eldave,

Thanks for reading. The gist was that she was thinking about an abortion she'd had in the past. I tried to subtly get that across through the dialogue and her vision. We'll see what others think before I term it a success or failure.

Italics may have been overly done. I normally use it to denote screaming, as well as emphasis.

As for the lack of articles I was fooling with a different type of style. Again, maybe or maybe not. We'll have to see. My initial take is it probably won't work because its not really me.  

Steve

Steve, I love the title and the atmosphere of this one.

Dave makes some valid points but I wasn't half as disconcerted as he was with the style you've adopted here. Some of it could definitely be made a little more clear and a few of the fragments perhaps be a little less fragmented. And, I did think some of the 'italics' were not Maggie's words.

As for story - I really enjoyed the vibe of the whole thing but I don't think there's enough story.

You mentioned she's mourning/regretting an abortion years earlier - I actually thought her living child/baby had died.

If I could suggest one thing it's to not take the shortcut and rather clichéd route you do with the 'Hush, Little Baby - lullaby quote - boy, they must be raking in the residuals for that one - least they'd want to be. Sorry, it's just I for one am really 'over' that being quoted in a lot of scripts where there are, in particular, dead babies involved in the storyline. Go for something original - even make up your own.

Also, 'short shorts' are great but I'd spin this out more and give us more insight into Maggie's life - at the moment it's a bit too obscure/hidden in style. Give us more without giving us too much if you get my 'drift' - pun there.  

Having said all that I still really enjoyed this and was invested in the ride. It's got a great feel to it. You also sucked me in with the end - has the MAN seen her, or is he headed in the opposite direction - that pulled at the heart strings.

COUPLE OF TYPOS:
she lays ( should be lies) back p3
The the sun bleeds p3 - double word.

I hope you do just a bit more with this.

Hi Steve.

A very interesting tale, powerful and atmospheric. I have to agree with LC, there’s not enough story. It reads like a single scene or the first stab at an idea. I worked out the gist of what was going on but it felt rushed.

The lack of articles didn’t distract me as this was the only character. I realise if you repeated she or Maggie all the time this may have become even more distracting.

The italics…hmm. From my own limited experience and the screenwriting books I’ve read, actors don’t appreciate screenwriters telling them how to deliver their lines or how to act.  

I would urge you to keep going with this one and flesh it out, it shows a lot of potential.

-Mark

Quoted from SAC Eldave, Thanks for reading. The gist was that she was thinking about an abortion she'd had in the past. I tried to subtly get that across through the dialogue and her vision. We'll see what others think before I term it a success or failure. Italics may have been overly done. I normally use it to denote screaming, as well as emphasis. As for the lack of articles I was fooling with a different type of style. Again, maybe or maybe not. We'll have to see. My initial take is it probably won't work because its not really me.   Steve

Not a problem Steve - best of luck with this

Steve,

Comments often float on the surface.

I got the abortion angle, and it worked for me, although it could be interpreted as just a lost child, not an abortion.  Perhaps some hallucination about the missing father?  Make it a bit clearer?

And the boat firing up.  The lady or the tiger ending.  Going to check out the reflection or heading in?  hmmm The fisherman needs a bit of back story too.  

Best
Richard

Libby,

Thanks for your insight. This was something I wrote at work so it's not something that was overly thought out. Best I could do at work though. As far as lack of story I was trying to come up with something really short and in retrospect I feel this does miss the mark. I never like to give the gist away entirely, but in most cases some clarity can be helpful.

Funny. Was watching Night At The Museum last night and in one scene Ben Stiller was singing the "Hush little baby" song to Atilla The Hun, but he was singing it in gibberish, which is in keeping with what you mentioned about switching it up.

I never thought of the man in the boat NOT saving her, but I suppose the way it's written I left it open for interpretation. Wasn't intentional.

Steve

Yet another great title in the latest batch.  

Also a case of not having read it... yet.  (Much like 'The Object of My Infection') But the lyrical feel of 'But For The Water and The Wind' means I probably will.  

Not to mention that hey - at least this post bumps the thread a bit!  

Hey Steve!

Quick comments on this one.    

I did find one typo on page 2: "Maggies closes her eyes"

Re: story and structure... While I'm sure it'll be contentious one way or other, I think you need to clarify the theme on this more.  If I hadn't seen the earlier comments on this thread, I wouldn't have totally gotten it.  (Sure, I personally question whether Maggie would be so haunted - but that's an artistic decision that's up to you and the character.)  Also, I'm not quite understanding what happens at the end, regarding the man and the fishing boat.  More clarification would be helpful there, as well.

Cheers!

--Janet (W)

Hey Steven,

I read this the other day but couldn't comment at the time. From memory...

Title - love it

Set up - like it, nice and tight

Mood - yeah, got real potential

Story/plot etc - needs some work. Subtle is good, mystery is fine...but all within reason. When I look back at those that capture the imagination, to me it seems that the topic was clear, but the outcome wasn't. In effect one part was clear.

Keep going at this one. Sometimes we write a script and the old phrase 'trying to polish a turd' comes to mind. You just know it ain't going to be good.

This is different. This is under developed but has potential

All the best

Mark,

Thanks for the read.

Yeah, italics bothered a me a little too. This one was kinda quick and thrown together, so that might not have been the best choice. A little overkill, perhaps. But I'm glad it worked on a certain level for you.

Richard,

Thanks. I'll think on the fisherman's backstory. That's a good idea.

Janet,

Thanks. Duly noted. Seems the concensus agrees thus need more than just three pages.

Bill,

Thanks for reading. Will definitely revisit this as time allows. Sometimes it's better to sit on things for a while then look with a fresh pair of eyes. Appreciate it.

**note**

A middle school teacher used this script in her class of 8th graders as a comparison piece to a novel they're reading, Tears of A Tiger. Both stories have similar themes of loss and guilt. So, in effect, this little short was required reading for a certain Texas middle school. Teacher contacted me and said it went over extremely well with the students. Picking it apart, they found the thread that binds the two tales together, as well as analyzing the metaphors and what they represent -- the soda bottle, the sun bleeding red across the water, etc.

All in all, I thought that was pretty cool!

Steve