SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is May 26th, 2019, 11:30am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The Writers' Tournament is back...


The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)


Yes, I am running script reviews, again...

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Birch Ave Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Birch Ave  (currently 1049 views)
Don
Posted: October 4th, 2015, 9:15am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12993
Posts Per Day
1.94
Birch Ave by Richard Santiago - Short, Drama - A man in search of his missing son, meets an elder man. They share their tragic stories, but the elder man has a secret.  21 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
Sandro
Posted: October 4th, 2015, 11:10am Report to Moderator
New-ish



Location
The Netherlands
Posts
50
Posts Per Day
0.04
Hey Richard,

First of all, I want point out that your script is absolutely rife with spelling and grammatical errors, I almost stopped reading a few pages in because of this.
Your dialogue, though a bit on the nose and cheesy in places, was what kept me reading. Not a big fan of the thick 'Murican patriotism elements either, but I know that Americans lap that stuff up, so you're good on that, I guess.

The conversation between the two men isn't very original but, as I said, it kept me reading. As I was doing so, though, I couldn't help but wonder how it could've been much more interesting if the old man suggested to Derek to go out and look for his son. Maybe, in some nearby wood where he's been known to play. This way it's not just two men talking in a room.

I was expecting the twist at the end, but I really wished you hadn't gone there. First of all, it doesn't jibe at all with the tone of the rest of your story, and it makes absolutely no sense for an old war hero to have done that. Or maybe it does, but you give zero motive.

In fact, the entire missing son angle made very little sense because it was so underused. I suppose his son has been missing for quite a while, otherwise the police would be looking and not the father. But you never explain any of it.
So, why not change it to a missing dog instead? It would make more sense for the two men to go out and look for a dog, and this way you can keep Derek's past pretty much the same (or maybe his wife died along with his son?). Not to mention that it will allow you to leave out the ludicrous ending. Instead, the men could stumble upon the dog at the end. Up to you whether it's dead or alive, or if they don't find it at all of course.

Anyhoo, these are just my two pennies. Take 'em or leave 'em. Good luck.


Sandro
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 4
RichardR
Posted: October 5th, 2015, 9:49am Report to Moderator
Regular


Posts
929
Posts Per Day
0.56
Richard

Comments are not regimented.

I'll echo Sandro.  This one is not well written.  Errors and other problems.  You would do well to read more screenplays and find a mentor who can help you with the writing issues.

As far as the story goes, it's far too  much.  You can cut more than half and still tell the story.  We don't need all the stuff which only clutters up the story.  Cut and cut some more.

best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 4
RKeller
Posted: October 12th, 2015, 11:08pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
39
Posts Per Day
0.03
As others noted, way too many spelling and other rudimentary errors.  I barely made it through.

Throughout and especially on the first page, you use MAN, ELDERLY MAN and man interchangeably.  Why keep William's name hidden for so long?  Why not name him and move on?

You describe the house as dinjy/dingy yet the old man gets a compliment on the decorating?

If my son were lost, I wouldn't be listening to war stories with a nameless neighbor.

Just a thought: you could've created suspense by periodic O.C. noises (cf Tell Tale Heart) from the basement so the dad has a WTF moment and rescues his son.  Or occasionally shift the POV to the basement.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 4
24 Grams
Posted: November 20th, 2015, 4:08pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Me? I always tell the truth...Even when I lie.

Posts
49
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hi Richard,

I also echo the comments above, but I'll add.

1) What was the point of the first scene? I don't see how it fits into the rest of the plot.

2) Cut out camera directions, you can still direct the readers attention without it.

3) Also cut out "we".

4) It's good that the characters have backgrounds but if it doesn't contribute to the plot it's not relevant enough to be included.

5) I didn't like the reveal in the end, but if you're going to have one, plant hints early on. For example, you emphasis a lot with the drinking between the two so I was expecting there was something fishy about it, even though William drinks it too.


Back Fence Talk (22pgs)

Robert Frost - “Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.”
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 4
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006