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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Parents Conference Moderators: bert
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  Author    Parents Conference  (currently 604 views)
Don
Posted: October 18th, 2015, 3:07pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Parents Conference by George ve Gänæaard - Short, Drama - When a child with problems at school is on the verge of not being allowed to take his final exams and advance to high-school, his father steps in and takes all the blame. 21 pages - pdf, format


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RKeller
Posted: October 19th, 2015, 1:18pm Report to Moderator
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Minor distractions
- Why would you use a non-standard font? The name Ileana is hard to read with that font displayed in a PDF.
Pg 1: TUDOR: "We've made it" Did you mean, "I assembled it".
Pg 1: You first say there's no indicator of how fast the treadmill goes, yet they select the speed on page 2.
Pg 2: Um, people fall off treadmills all the time.
Pg 5: Perhaps English is not your first language (not a big deal, as I'm working my way through and giving you huge leeway here. You have several small errors, which I overlooked because I wanted to comment on your story, not your word choice).  cream flower -> flour?  batter?
     Then later on page 13: bread should be bred
     Page 16: seats at desk -> sits at desk
Pg 8: You reference their last name DRAGOSTIN here, so it should be MARCEL DRAGOSTIN in the opening paragraph.
Pg 8 & 9: Wow, your country's custom must be that teachers publicly reveal students' grades and academic performance in front of other parents? (Grades and such are very private in the US)
Pg 10: You changed CLASS TEACHER -> TEACHER
I count three or four door SLAMS. Is this common in your culture?

Major distraction
Pg 5: Am having trouble following sequencing. Not sure where we are in time. Your BEFOREs are incredibly confusing.  And this confusion permeates your entire script.
Pg 6: The nine and two must be important test scores?  Tudor cracks a joke here about Marcel on vacation?
Pg 20: Why does this climactic reveal (not his biological father) make a difference in the story?  Why does this fact matter at all?  Sure, it's a shock, but MARCEL seems kind enough and has tolerated the boy for 14 years.  It's important to you, but why is important to us, the reader?

Good
Congratulations on plowing through twenty pages of English language.  I applaud your efforts because I could not write such a good story in Dutch or Swedish or Danish...
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