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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  iNfectious Moderators: bert
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  Author    iNfectious  (currently 4094 views)
Don
Posted: October 17th, 2015, 9:20am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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iNfectious by Glenn Doyle (IamGlenn) - Short, Sci Fi - In a world obsessed with technology, news of a self altering virus spreads quickly. 9 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 17th, 2015, 10:49am Report to Moderator
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Hey Glenn.  I read the entire script and am not sure what to make of it or how to comment.

Not sure if this is meant to be serious, a comedy, or some sort of odd social commentary, but for me...it's rather odd and has a very strange flow and structure.

It's hard to say there's a main Protrag.  There are so many characters intro'd, it's quite amazing, really.  But the real problem in this regard is that so few even matter.

Hard to say there's much of a story or plot here, also, as this just meanders along and has so many completely throw away scenes and even whole pages.

Writing-wise, lots of mistakes, awkward phrasings, and some terrible grammar (especially in terms of how the "News Anchors" speak).

I will be interested to see what others have to say, but for me, this does not work in any other way than being a very strange read.

Hope this doesn't come across as too harsh, just letting you know my feelings.

Take care.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Logan McDonald
Posted: October 18th, 2015, 4:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Glenn,
This was a fun read. I thought this was going to be about a zombie apocalypse that nobody nowtices because they're on thier phones at first but the twist suprised me. A nice satire on the current disconect technology produces today. I'm horrible with grammer and spelling so listen to others on that but in all it was a cute story. Keep up the good work!


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IamGlenn
Posted: October 19th, 2015, 3:06am Report to Moderator
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On my phone, so apologies for the less than adequate response.

First of all, thanks Don for getting this up. As always, appreciate it.

Dreamscale,
Thanks for taking a look and taking the time to give feedback.
I suppose what I was trying to do here was a spoof on modern society and their addiction to various gadgets. As you pointed out, the lack of a protagonist is a problem. I tried to make Lisa that, but I think she lacks any depth. I was just trying to get across the fear mongering that goes on through the media and the characters involved probably suffered.
If you don't mind could you elaborate on what you mean by bad grammar from the news anchors. As for awkward phrasing, that's something that seems to seep in quite often. Gotta work on that.
Not too harsh at all. All feedback is needed and I appreciate it. Cheers.

Logan,
Glad you enjoyed it and nice to see the end took you somewhere you weren't expecting it too. Appreciate the read and feedback. Cheers.

Glenn.


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 19th, 2015, 9:35am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from IamGlenn
If you don't mind could you elaborate on what you mean by bad grammar from the news anchors.Glenn.


Glenn, best and most obvious examples are here...

Page 8 - "Wow. I am truly shocked at what I just seen."

"And for the lowly price of..."

Hope that helps...



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IamGlenn
Posted: October 19th, 2015, 9:46am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale


Glenn, best and most obvious examples are here...

Page 8 - "Wow. I am truly shocked at what I just seen."

"And for the lowly price of..."

Hope that helps...



Yep. That should be "I've" in the first example. Thanks for that.

I think lowly makes sense, although I could change it to just "low".

Thanks for that.



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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 19th, 2015, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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The file has been deleted.

That's what it told me. Is it just me, or have you taken it down?
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IamGlenn
Posted: October 19th, 2015, 12:44pm Report to Moderator
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I moved it on my Dropbox, sorry. Here it is https://www.dropbox.com/s/y6kvuqfvtzpcdpo/iNfectious.pdf?dl=0

Can Don edit the original, please?

Edit: I fixed it. Original link works.


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cloroxmartini
Posted: October 19th, 2015, 12:57pm Report to Moderator
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Nice docucommentary! Or would it be dramedycomentary?
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IamGlenn
Posted: October 19th, 2015, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from cloroxmartini
Nice docucommentary! Or would it be dramedycomentary?


I'm going for a documedydramantary..  


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Equinox
Posted: October 19th, 2015, 1:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Glenn,

first off, a tiny nitpick: (sorry if it's been said before, I didn't read the other posts yet):

p5:


Quoted Text

She comes to the homeless man again, whos is now asleep,


Lose the 's' at whos

Now about the script/story (spoiler warning)

About the script, I read it twice, completely, but I feel something is wrong with it. This is a story from Lisa's point of view, but she is only introduced after various people in the bus which don't matter any more in the rest of the story. I'd start out with Lisa's girl chat right away and scrap the rest here, because it's just confusing.

With the story, I'm not sure if this is meant to be serious or if it's trying to be a comedy. I think it fails in both ways. because the premise, a 'smiling virus', is too off for a serious approach and rather fits into a comedy plot. On the other hand, the story doesn't come across as being funny, there are no gags/jokes or funny moments. So I'm a bit confused here.

I think you should decide on what you want to focus in this script. Lisa and all the other people are fiddling around with some cell phone, computer, tables or whatever, so if that's the core of your story, you should build the plot and climax around that. Like try the 'all these internet freak find it hard to find a partner' as a premise and then Lisa bumping into Sam while playing in the internet on her phone hooks them up (just for example),

Or if it's the silly 'smiling virus' you like to focus on, add some funny elements to the script, like Lisa's boss catching the flu from a co-worker and he can't stop smiling any more, or something else which is funny (comedy is not my thing, so I'll fail miserably trying to make up good examples here).

As it is now, I think there are different topics mixed up in the script and none of them is clearly brought to an end.

Just my opinion as always, hope it helps in any way, good luck with it!


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RKeller
Posted: October 19th, 2015, 2:06pm Report to Moderator
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Minor
Pg 1: Every single person -> Everyone (omit needless words)
Pg 1: "...on a seat..." is implied because she's sitting.
Pg 1: Her handbag is a smartphone?  Why is her handbag important?  And how do we know she is on Facebook?  Should we have an INSET or ON SCREEN slugline?
Pg 1: "She chuckles...fashion" is really prolix and repetitive.
Pg 1: Not sure how we can see their displays.
Pg 1: Cool, we finally have a INSET: TABLET.  To whom does this belong?
Pg 1: Last comment on prolixities because it's in virtually every sentence:  The FEMALE NEWS ANCHORS are crisper in their on-screen performance.
Pg 2: An INSET slugline on Lisa's phone may help here.
Pg 3: The first two sentences can be expressed more economically.  This is true in many other places.
Bottom Pg 4: whos -> who's (I believe you commented on this exact thing in another thread this morning, no?)
Pg 5: it's -> its contents
Pg 5: let's -> lets out
Pg 6: Her boss is a jerk and they laugh?  Odd reaction.
Pg 7: EXT. WOODS - CONTIMUOUS (M -> N)

Major
So two people walking in the park needs viewer discretion? I suspect your commentary is that people don't conversate enough?  They look at their mobile devices rather than at fellow humans?  If so, not sure you made you point clearly enough.

Or do you own the franchise on iBlinkers?

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RKeller  -  October 19th, 2015, 4:31pm
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IamGlenn
Posted: October 19th, 2015, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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Thorsten,
Cheers for taking a look.
Thanks for spotting the "whos is". One of the many benefits of this place.
I opened with the people on the crowded bus to show how society is. Each zoned into their devices. I could probably rework it though.
I suppose it's a comedy. Not a knee slapper though. A look at how society could become. Well an exaggerated look. Something I find funny. Looks like it's something you don't. Well, how it's written at the moment anyway.
The "smiling virus" is just what this society call it. It's really just people interacting face to face. The virus isn't an actual virus.
I'll try clear things up anyway.
Thanks.


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Equinox
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Quoted from IamGlenn
Thorsten,
Cheers for taking a look.
Thanks for spotting the "whos is". One of the many benefits of this place.
I opened with the people on the crowded bus to show how society is. Each zoned into their devices. I could probably rework it though.
I suppose it's a comedy. Not a knee slapper though. A look at how society could become. Well an exaggerated look. Something I find funny. Looks like it's something you don't. Well, how it's written at the moment anyway.
The "smiling virus" is just what this society call it. It's really just people interacting face to face. The virus isn't an actual virus.
I'll try clear things up anyway.
Thanks.


Hey glenn,

I do like your writing, it's clear and unfussy which makes it easier for me to understand what's going on compared to scripts which use wicked works all the time. If I need to google up more than one word on a page, I'm out.

Just felt like in this one no theme sticked out to be specific enough.



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IamGlenn
Posted: October 19th, 2015, 4:11pm Report to Moderator
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RKeller,
1)Yep, you're right.
2)Again, yep.
3)Yeah an INSET would make it clearer.
4)Noted
5)I think you know how we would see the displays but I'll put an inset to make it clearer.
6)I said the Tall Man is watching the video on a tablet. It belongs to him.
7)Sorry, what do you mean?
I agree.
9)I'll take a look. Thanks.
10)I don't believe I did, no. But thanks.
11)Thanks
12)Thanks
13)Maybe, I'll think a bit more about it.
14)Thanks.

Yep, that's what I was trying to get across. Maybe I've got to try harder.

Thanks. Appreciate it.


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