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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Rose Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 23rd, 2016, 11:09pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Rose by Luke Walker - Short, Super Short, Horror - While rushing to hospital, an expectant couple must stop to help a woman they hit with their car. 6 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 21st, 2019, 1:16pm
revised draft
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: February 24th, 2016, 4:26am Report to Moderator
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Hi Luke.

This ‘super short’ horror reads very much like a short story. A couple of suggestions to consider.  Add a FADE IN and FADE OUT (cut THE END, it’s not needed). Reduce excessive descriptions  and beware of adverbs! E.G. “The lady instantly stops walking” You either stop walking or you don’t, instantly or otherwise. Show don’t tell, don’t tell us someone is in pain, show it. Screenplays are visual. If you find yourself telling the audience what is happening rather than describing how it would look on the screen then give it a re-write.

As for the story itself, it was atmospheric and easy to follow, but it was quite predictable. It may help to get a bit more information on the mystery woman. A twist could be she’s actually  the pregnant woman back from the dead and somehow back in time to save her baby. It would be quite a reveal to find out she caused the very accident which killed herself.

I hope my comments are helpful.

-Mark
  


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cbead
Posted: February 24th, 2016, 7:29am Report to Moderator
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Luke,

A short sharp tale which works OK.

Mark has given some good advice to tidy up the script, and I also pretty well knew by the second page how it was going to end. It's a bare script (not a bad thing) but I think because you have cut it to the bare necessities at 4 pages, you have some scope to develop the passenger some more to  tweak and enhance that final payoff as mentioned previously.

Cheers  Chris


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RichardR
Posted: February 25th, 2016, 11:20am Report to Moderator
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Luke,

Some notes.

This one has the elements of classic horror, but it is predictable as has been noted before.  It's hard to twist a classic tale into something that will surprise the audience.  

The problem is that the audience knows and expects the lady on the road to get the baby.  However, they do not want or expect it to be humdrum and straightforward.  So, your task is to give them exactly what they expect but in an unexpected manner.  Easy?  Absolutely not.

So, as you think about this one, ask yourself how you can change things.  Make the hitchhiker a man?  Make the hitcher a child?  Make the hitcher talkative?  Make the couple into people who might steal a baby?  Turn this upside down and surprise us.

Best
Richard
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: February 25th, 2016, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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Had a read.

Sorry to be repetitive but, yeah, we all know where this is going.

But, I thought you handled it quite well. Yes, the wording could be better, adverbs and all that,  but I've seen people try to do this in ten pages rather than four.

I suppose the question is, what were you aiming for?

All the best


My scripts  HERE

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Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
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LukeWalker
Posted: February 28th, 2016, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for taking the time to read the screenplay, and leave feedback guys. It's always very much appreciated. And thanks for the sound advice, I'll take it on board.

I originally wrote the script for a 3 minute screenplay competion, that's why it's so short.
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Marcela
Posted: March 27th, 2019, 6:05pm Report to Moderator
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Very interesting piece. I was enjoying it a lot but got lost towards the end. The ending just didn't work for me at all!


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