SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is July 14th, 2025, 5:07pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
The primary purpose of the SimplyScripts Discussion Board is the discussion of unproduced screenplays. If you are a producer or director lookng for your next project, the works here are available for option, purchase or production only if you receive permission from the author.

NOTE: these screenplays are NOT in the public domain and MAY NOT be used or reproduced for any purpose (including eductional purposes) without the expressed written permission of the author.

New to SimplyScripts? - Tell us about yourself! | How does this discussion board work? - FAQs! | Submit Your Script
The July 2025 One Week Challenge Theme is up!


Submit to SimplyScripts.com/OWC

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
Short Script of the Day | Featured Shorts Available for Production | Guidelines and Censorship | Produced Script Database | Oscar Winning Screenplays through the Ages | WGA Top 101 Screenplays

Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Rose Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 34 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Rose  (currently 2867 views)
Don
Posted: February 24th, 2016, 12:09am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
17400
Posts Per Day
1.95
Rose by Luke Walker - Short, Super Short, Horror - While rushing to hospital, an expectant couple must stop to help a woman they hit with their car. 6 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 21st, 2019, 2:16pm
revised draft
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
MarkRenshaw
Posted: February 24th, 2016, 5:26am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2359
Posts Per Day
0.53
Hi Luke.

This ‘super short’ horror reads very much like a short story. A couple of suggestions to consider.  Add a FADE IN and FADE OUT (cut THE END, it’s not needed). Reduce excessive descriptions  and beware of adverbs! E.G. “The lady instantly stops walking” You either stop walking or you don’t, instantly or otherwise. Show don’t tell, don’t tell us someone is in pain, show it. Screenplays are visual. If you find yourself telling the audience what is happening rather than describing how it would look on the screen then give it a re-write.

As for the story itself, it was atmospheric and easy to follow, but it was quite predictable. It may help to get a bit more information on the mystery woman. A twist could be she’s actually  the pregnant woman back from the dead and somehow back in time to save her baby. It would be quite a reveal to find out she caused the very accident which killed herself.

I hope my comments are helpful.

-Mark
  


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 6
cbead
Posted: February 24th, 2016, 8:29am Report to Moderator
New


https://chrisbeadnell.wordpress.com/

Location
Sunny Coast. Qld. Australia
Posts
140
Posts Per Day
0.04
Luke,

A short sharp tale which works OK.

Mark has given some good advice to tidy up the script, and I also pretty well knew by the second page how it was going to end. It's a bare script (not a bad thing) but I think because you have cut it to the bare necessities at 4 pages, you have some scope to develop the passenger some more to  tweak and enhance that final payoff as mentioned previously.

Cheers  Chris


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 6
RichardR
Posted: February 25th, 2016, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
885
Posts Per Day
0.23
Luke,

Some notes.

This one has the elements of classic horror, but it is predictable as has been noted before.  It's hard to twist a classic tale into something that will surprise the audience.  

The problem is that the audience knows and expects the lady on the road to get the baby.  However, they do not want or expect it to be humdrum and straightforward.  So, your task is to give them exactly what they expect but in an unexpected manner.  Easy?  Absolutely not.

So, as you think about this one, ask yourself how you can change things.  Make the hitchhiker a man?  Make the hitcher a child?  Make the hitcher talkative?  Make the couple into people who might steal a baby?  Turn this upside down and surprise us.

Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 6
Reef Dreamer
Posted: February 25th, 2016, 5:55pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Writing Again - Jiggy Style

Location
Exotic Cocktail Bar
Posts
2926
Posts Per Day
0.58
Had a read.

Sorry to be repetitive but, yeah, we all know where this is going.

But, I thought you handled it quite well. Yes, the wording could be better, adverbs and all that,  but I've seen people try to do this in ten pages rather than four.

I suppose the question is, what were you aiming for?

All the best


My scripts - links to be updated.

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 6
LukeWalker
Posted: February 28th, 2016, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
5
Posts Per Day
0.00
Thanks for taking the time to read the screenplay, and leave feedback guys. It's always very much appreciated. And thanks for the sound advice, I'll take it on board.

I originally wrote the script for a 3 minute screenplay competion, that's why it's so short.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 6
Marcela
Posted: March 27th, 2019, 7:05pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
Nottingham, UK
Posts
152
Posts Per Day
0.04
Very interesting piece. I was enjoying it a lot but got lost towards the end. The ending just didn't work for me at all!


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 6
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on
Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006