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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Rid of Guilt Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: December 15th, 2008, 5:15pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Rid of Guilt by Howard Jenson (ColKurtz8 ) - Short, Drama - Daniel is minding his own business, until Patrick decides to confide in him. (8 pages)  - pdf, format


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  January 10th, 2010, 2:35pm
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NiK
Posted: December 15th, 2008, 5:32pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Howard,

Finished your script. I did really enjoy this one. Clever story, great dialogue and a simple script to produce.

I like the fact that Patrick needs to confess before he makes the final step, that was good thought of yours. Not sure what you could add to the relationship that emerges between Daniel and Patrick, but I would suggest to add the woman and the son before.

When Patrick told Daniel about her, i felt like that came out of nowhere. What i would suggest is to just mention her before, I don't know like have the kid go them playing and aiming his water pistol at Patrick. I think that could help a little, and Patrick's reaction to that would connect later on.

As I said before i really enjoyed reading this.

Best.



Gift of Blood - NEW! co-written tonkatough
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tonkatough
Posted: December 16th, 2008, 4:23am Report to Moderator
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Jeez if someone come up to me on a train platform and started random chatting like in your story, I would be shuffling and side stepping as far away as possible.

I like the uneasy feeling your script starts off with, you don't know what Patirck is all about and draws you into the story.

The one bit I loved was when Patrick ask Dan to assess the danger of jump in front of train. I would of liked to have seen the conversation centre around that, sort liek Pat demand to know his chance of survival and Dan say "what's your problem man"Something really edgy and with conflict.

This script is far more focused and tighter then other stuff I have read from you but I'm afriad to say this one could have a page or two dropped.

But yeah, good script with a situation that kept my attention from begin to end.    


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Colkurtz8
Posted: December 16th, 2008, 4:36am Report to Moderator
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Hey Nik

I appreciate you taking the time to check this out.

You've have made a very interesting suggestion about introducing the kid or mother before Patrick arrives on the scene. The Kid would be easier to incorporate & your idea of the water pistol is a clever one.

However, when I was writing this I wanted it to come out of nowhere. Up until that point Patrick seems like a happy go lucky kind of guy, a little strange but friendly nonetheless. but as soon as he mentions the women & her son his mood darkens as does the piece. It was my belief that having this come totally out of the blue would pack a greater punch.

Plus the "All-too-much-of-a-coincidence" police would be out in force chanting their mantra.

However...again...I nearly have to agree with you & I'm sort of going through the motions of kicking myself that I didn't slot the kid in somewhere earlier. Maybe he drops something that rolls against Daniel's foot or whatever, some kind of prior interaction would help this along.

I'll probably do a rewrite & include it but I don't think I'll post it back up here as it would be a shameless pilfer of your idea.

Thanks for making me kick myself.

Cheers.

Col.


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Colkurtz8
Posted: December 16th, 2008, 11:52am Report to Moderator
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Tonkatough

Thanks for the comments, man. I originally intended to write a five pager & maybe submit it to movie poet but it ran a couple of pages too long.

I liked Nik's suggestion & might add it somewhere down the line so that will only make it longer.

I can't see where else I can tighten this up bar the opening paragraph but that isn't goin to make much difference. Plus I want that in there to show the reader that its a pleasant morning thus justifying Patrick's conversation breaker & overall buoyant mood...till the secret is revealed of course.

Always appreciate the feedback, Tonka. Let me know if you have anything else done besides whats on your sig.

Cheers.

Col.


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NiK
Posted: December 16th, 2008, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Col,

The reason why I suggested to introduce the kid before is because, I personally like it that way. If you introduce it in spontaneous way without giving too much, I think it would add more to the overall feel.

Beside that, the water gun is a symbol and the kid shooting with the water gun means that he will die. Well at least this is how I think.

The introduction of the kid will not catch much attention since people will think at him as another person waiting the train hehe.

Cheers



Gift of Blood - NEW! co-written tonkatough
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Colkurtz8
Posted: December 16th, 2008, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah I agree, I'll play around with it. Permission to blatantly rob your idea, sir.


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Toby_E
Posted: December 16th, 2008, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Howard,

Really enjoyed this script. Probably my favourite script I've read of yours. Not much I could see to change or improve, apart from maybe what Nik and Tonka said; I would definitely introduce the women and her child before, (as it seemed too random), and I would also maybe trim the script down a little bit. I mean it read fine, and it was pretty crisp, but I felt it could have been trimmed down by a page.

With introducing the women and her child, I wouldn't necassarily draw as much attention to them as Nik suggested, but maybe have Daniel walk past them at the start of the script. Actually, I would start the script differently. I would have Daniel approach Patrick. Well not approach Patrick, but have Daniel walk up to where Patrick is standing. Then Daniel can pass the women and her child. I feel this would work a bit better.

I also noticed a few formatting issues. "A few others wait on his side of the platform also." - "A few others" needs to be capitalised, as this is the first time we meet them. The same thing goes for "young son" from the sentence "Her young son (6) carries a small school bag." "Young son" needs to be capitalised.

But yeah, I really enjoyed this script, so congrats man. And I said earlier, there wasn't much I could see which could be improved.

Cheers for giving me a good read!

Toby


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James R
Posted: December 16th, 2008, 3:14pm Report to Moderator
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This is a great short, Howard. A great read, well-paced, just enough action to not be considered two talking heads.

I like Toby's suggestion of having Daniel pass the mother and son, making it just a little bit more personal for him. Maybe have him make eye contact, which is more intimate than just passing.

As far as formatting, you can probably take out all of the MORE and CONTINUED parts. I don't think anybody really finds them necessary.

Funny idea, but since the Patrick/train collision was not specifically mentioned I thought maybe you were setting us up to have Daniel look down and his briefcase is gone. As if Patrick was setting him up the whole time. Not that I was disappointed in your ending, it was great. Just thought I'd share.

James


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jayrex
Posted: December 16th, 2008, 6:32pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Howard,

Not bad, pretty good.  Well thought out in places.  Your description is good in places, whilst in some paragraphs you could tighten your description.

Some of your dialogue I would have liked if you had broken it up as Patrick does go on and on.

I too tired to go into depth but the one error I noticed was that Patrick referred the woman's son as a daughter and I was guessing he was meant to say son.

Regarding this type of script.  This is the second one I've read here.  Affly I believe did a version.  Then again, I am about to post my version too so that'll be three suicides by train.  I had a slight delay with mine.

All the best,


Javier


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Colkurtz8
Posted: December 16th, 2008, 7:14pm Report to Moderator
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Toby

Cheers for the comments. Ya I'm def goin do a quick rewrite & apply the necessary changes, once I stop kicking myself which I've been doin' since Nik posted.

I actually didn't think I had to capitalise what you mentioned, so thank you for teaching me something new.

Col.


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Shelton
Posted: December 17th, 2008, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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For whatever reason, I totally overlooked the genre on this, and went in with the impression that this was a comedy based on the logline.  Boy, was I wrong.

I thought the script flowed pretty well, and I noticed the comments about bringing the boy in a little earlier.  Would it work?  Absolutely.  Necessary?  I would say not.  You know what you need to know about the woman and her son, and adding that in won't really change that aspect of it.  What it will do, is maybe add a little more sense of guilt on Patrick's head, but you'd have to make the kid all the more cuter.

As I read the ending, I noticed the way you draw attention to Daniel's hands and the way the people on the platform look at him.  Is this to imply that they think he pushed him?  Just a thought.

Anyway, nice work.


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Colkurtz8
Posted: December 18th, 2008, 5:32am Report to Moderator
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James, Jay & Mike

Thanks for the comments guys.

I have done a quick rewrite including a brief interaction between the Daniel and the Mother & Son before Patrick arrives.

I 'm trying to give the impression that Patrick followed them to the station as opposed to have him there before Daniel.

JAMES - I'd prefer to leave in (CONT'D) & (MORE) as more often then not this is what I've seen done & have been advised to use myself. I helps clarity above anything.

JAMES - I never thought of the briefcase scam, its not what I was going for here, but its an interesting twist.

JAY - Fair point on saying Patrick goes on a bit but the man is looking for some absolution here before he makes the final step. I think in this case, giving him a few extra lines to exhibit his torment is forgivable.

JAY - I think you got mixed up with the son/daughter thing. The line goes:

                                          Patrick
                               ...I havenít seen my own
                                  daughter in six years.

The keyword being "MY" Patrick is talkin' about his own daughter.

Mike - No I wasn't implying that Daniel pushed him but the fact that he lost his grip on Patrick when he made a dash for the platform. This comes after Patrick refers to his hands as "pretty things" due to his cushy office based work enviroment, compared to his own work hardened mitts.

Maybe I should have made this clearer, it is an understandable misinterpretation.

Thanks again for taking the time to read & feed this.

Cheers.

Col.  




Revision History (1 edits)
Colkurtz8  -  December 19th, 2008, 4:24am
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Shelton
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Quoted from Colkurtz8

Mike - No I wasn't implying that Daniel pushed him but the fact that he lost his grip on Patrick when he made a dash for the platform. This comes after Patrick refers to his hands as "pretty things" due to his cushy office based work enviroment, compared to his own work hardened mitts.

Maybe I should have made this clearer, it is an understandable misinterpretation.


Oh no, I got that he had actually lost his grip.  I think it was just something in the exchange of glances that made me think that.  No need to change anything in that part.


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dogglebe
Posted: December 18th, 2008, 1:47pm Report to Moderator
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I thought it was an interesting read, though it went on a little long.  Patrick didn't have to explain everything.  His story was a little rehearsed and on the nose, if you ask me.

I thought that Patrick was a little too forward with his tale and wondered why Daniel wouldn't just walk away from him.  In NYC, he wouldn't have gotten past three lines before losing his audience.  In the beginning, his attitude is extremely cheerful... too cheerful for a guy with his story and plans.


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