The New Mother by Brennan Scott - Short, Thriller - A kid finds himself on the phone with a potential predator. 7 pages - pdf, format

Hey Nathan, quite liked this though figured out where it was going fairly quickly, but there was a certain creepiness that came through.

I think there's some formatting tidying that can be done and the kid uses some language that seems a little too old.

Anthony

Brennan,

Some notes.

This one starts well, although I think you should give us the age of the boy.  He gets a wacko call and then has to find out the cruel truth for himself.  Once that is done, the story fails for me.  It should be 911 and wait for the police.  Going off to hide makes little sense, and choosing the exact place where he can be taken is too coincidental for me.  You might consider a short police scene where they obviously don't believe him--call from some other 'mom'?--and then he does the usual stuff to lock up (if he's old enough) or gets taken to other family or child care.  Then, he meets the woman who would be mom.

Best
Richard

This had a great chilling, creepy vibe to it. But some of the kid's responses sounded like an adult talking and that would momentarily take me out of the story.

Quoted Text EVAN What is wrong with you? You can’t just call people and harass them.

I don't think a kid would even know what harassment is. He reacts with anger and suspicion right off the bat to the whole thing, which is an adult reaction. I think a child would play along with the person on the other line, not really understanding the implications of what was happening and how improper and creepy her line of questioning really was.