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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Queen Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 14th, 2016, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Queen by Nikki April Lee - Short, Drama - A sweet androgynous teen conflicted with sexual identity, makes a great sacrifice to free his kid sister from the grasps of their tyrannical father. 11 pages - pdf, format


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RichardR
Posted: June 15th, 2016, 8:29am Report to Moderator
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Nikki,

Some notes.

This one was both good and bad for me.  It was good in dialogue and overall writing.  It was bad in the standard shackle and beating scenes and guessable ending.  There seems to be no justice for the Queen and no punishment for the typical parents.  This is a story that's been done a lot, so I think you might work for some unique angle or reversal that will make your audience stand up and take notice.

Best
Richard
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Fausto
Posted: June 21st, 2016, 10:44am Report to Moderator
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It looks good for style but too simply ended...you need better contrast between protagonist and antagonist. Overall, a good job. Be more original in the next script.
Good luck
Sal
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Wes
Posted: June 21st, 2016, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Nikki,

So the opening and closing images are pretty much the same. I understand the desire to do that but would prefer something more creative at the end. Something that might suggest more growth and change. I did find the whipping scene to be a bit cliche.

I'm afraid I don't get Angelo. How did he die? What was his relationship to Birdie and Elijah other than bandaging Elijah in the basement? Went through the script a couple of times trying to piece it together and it just doesn't fit for me. Am I missing something?

on page three, "Elijah manages to open the truck to his tiny beat up car.", I think you might have wanted the word "trunk" instead of "truck".

Thanks for the read.


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Warren
Posted: June 21st, 2016, 11:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,

It was well written, and an easy read over all. A few typos that would be easy to spot on another read through.

I agree with Wes, the whole Angelo thing didn’t really make a whole lot of sense in terms of the bigger story.

It did feel a bit cliché' but I think with a rewrite you could turn this into a nice little piece.

Cheers


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