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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Never Let Go - Produced! Moderators: bert
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  Author    Never Let Go - Produced!  (currently 4192 views)
Don
Posted: January 11th, 2013, 2:09pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Never Let Go by Khamanna Iskandarova - Short, Drama - A 13year old girl goes too far in attempt to cope with a tragedy - pdf, format
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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  June 19th, 2016, 9:01am
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Kip
Posted: January 11th, 2013, 2:43pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Khamma,

I've had a read of this and it's a nice little story. I'm relatively new to reviewing other peoples work, so please don't take offence at anything I say.

I think that the begining was maybe lacking a bit of description. I would've liked to have known what the kitchen looked like and also Dana and Christina, just to help me visualize things a bit easier.

The mother/daughter relationship was pretty much spot on, and I think your dialogue between them was quite realistic.

Also, the note on the kite at the end. I'm assuming that Christina had put it on there to remind her never to part with it? Or was there something I've overlooked in my friday night haze?

All in all, sweet.

Kip.

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Oney.Mendoza
Posted: January 11th, 2013, 3:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Khamanna,

Gave this a read.  Overall it was a really sweet, if somewhat sad story.  I liked what you were trying to accomplish.

Your dialogue didn't work for me.  Sure, it gave us necessary details and all but it read very phony, unrealistic.  Try reading it out loud before you commit to it just so you see how it sounds.

I would've preferred if you gave Christina and Dana some description besides their ages.  I'm big on character descriptions (even if they're minor) but you literally included nothing.  Give us something to visualize.

Your writing is good for the most part.  This board has heavily focused on using passive verbiage in prose as of late.  This is something I actually have to take notice myself when writing, anyways, I caught only two instances here where you can easily fix that:

They start eating.   TRY    They begin to eat.
...her voice trembling.   TRY   ...her voice trembles.

Again, I liked your overall story and what you were going for.  You do have a sweet, gentle story here.  Just work out a few bugs.

ONEY


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pale yellow
Posted: January 11th, 2013, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
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I really like this story. I think the writing needs cleaning up a bit. The dialogue needs some work to make it easier to differentiate between the child and the mother. I think also that character descriptions even minor ones, would be a nice addition as has been said above. But it's a nice story that could be done on a cheap budget. Cute.  I could see this getting filmed

Great job.


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Nomad
Posted: January 11th, 2013, 5:05pm Report to Moderator
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I'm going to have to agree with everyone else.  The story was nice and there weren't any major problems with it, but the dialogue needs some work.

Jordan


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khamanna
Posted: January 12th, 2013, 4:27am Report to Moderator
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I went to bed yesterday, woke up and whoa! The script is posted and there are 4 replies already!

Fist of - Big thanks to Don!

@Kip, thanks for the read! Good you're reviewing, all helps, doesn't matter if you didn't review much before. Christina was supposed to throw away the kite but she's not planning to - I meant that she's gone bananas (thanks to that little role play they did perhaps). She'll continue talking to dad as if he's alive. I changed the ending recently to make it obvious, but I see that it's possibly not. I'll see what I can do about it.

@Oney.Mendoza - thanks, good catch on passive, I'll definitely work on that. Good it's on dropbox, I can do it at my convenience and not trouble Don. Will add descriptions for sure. And dialogue - I reread some of it and you're surely right. Will work on that one too.

@Hey Dena! Dialogue, descriptions, cleaning up - got it. THanks!

@ Nomad - thanks! And I agree with you on agreeing with others
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leitskev
Posted: January 12th, 2013, 8:09am Report to Moderator
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Hey Khamanna

A very touching little tale. I didn't have any problems with the writing or dialogue.

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leitskev  -  January 17th, 2013, 5:50am
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khamanna
Posted: January 15th, 2013, 6:48am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Kevin - nice to know
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CrusaderVoice
Posted: January 15th, 2013, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
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Wow...nicely done.

Did well in making the girl a 13 year-old. Younger and we see her as just a little kid so our expectations of her coping would be low. An older teen we'd expect to respond like an adult. At 13, it's not only an in-between age but she's old enough for the audience to not be completely comfortable with how she's coping. The audience has more empathy with her at this stage of her life, I think...that's something I wouldn't have guessed before reading this piece.
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rc1107
Posted: January 17th, 2013, 1:33am Report to Moderator
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Really good job with this one, Khamanna.  It broke my heart reading it.

It was truly a tender tale with just the right amount of creepiness to keep the story interesting, but without going overboard into plain weirdness.

I'll have another read at it, but I didn't have any problems with the dialogue.  Maybe a couple lines can be brushed up here and there, but I thought it read fine the way I read it in my head.

Very touching and sad.

- Mark


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alffy
Posted: January 17th, 2013, 6:07am Report to Moderator
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Hey Khamanna, I'm not  sure I've read anything from you; not sure why?

I've not read previous comments so forgive any repeat suggestions.

I wonder why you didn't include your name on the title page?

I think you're missing a comma in Dana's introduction?
Dana (late 30s) her mother walks past....
Should there be a comma after mother?  Either that or does Dana'a mother walk past?
I actually read this paragraph about 3 times and still don't think it reads good.

I wonder why the teacher comes to the house to see them?  I'm not sure this is common practice?

Only a few niggles in what was a nice touching little story.

A good short, Khamanna, very well done.


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SteveUK
Posted: January 17th, 2013, 9:57am Report to Moderator
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Hey Khamanna,

This was quite touching and a little sad. You managed to convey Christina and Dana's struggle to come to terms with their loss really well. The dialogue could perhaps do with a little work to make it seem a bit more natural, but I didn't have a major problem with it.

I found the end of the teacher's visit a little confusing, and it could do with rewording. As it is, Dana and the teacher are in the dining room. Dana hears a rustling, opens the door, checks the hall, then shuts the door. Christina is then huddled in the corner of the hall watching her mother. But how can she be watching if the door is closed? It's only a small thing, but it completely threw me off when I was reading it. Overall though, this was nicely done.
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CoopBazinga
Posted: January 17th, 2013, 10:23am Report to Moderator
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Hey Khamanna,

Always happy to read your work and for what it’s worth, I liked this one.

A nice little tale of trying to come to terms with the death of a loved one – I think you handled it very well.

I liked how you used the kite as a connection between Christina and her dad.

In saying that, I wasn’t too sure how to feel at the end. Is Christina holding on to the kite a good thing? Will it help her cope with the loss or hold her back?

A good little story all the same.

Good job.

Steve
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khamanna
Posted: January 18th, 2013, 2:01am Report to Moderator
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@CrusaderVoice - thanks! Nice to see you liked it. I had two thoughts - if I write about a kid, many will say he sounds older (that seems a case with me ) and one other thing - it's easier to cast a teenager perhaps. And it was a good choice, teenagers are easier than kids perhaps.

@Mark, hey - thanks for the read. Glad you liked it! Dramas are not easy for me and I'm glad to see that some like it.

@alffy - so you haven't read anything of mine - I didn't know that! Probably you did, just can't remember. Thanks for the pointers - I forget to put my name on the title page all the time! 4 positive reviews in a raw - that never happened to me before

@Steve - thanks, I'll read again about the teacher and see how to make it clearer. I struggled with that part - you have a good eye.

@Coop - hey, thanks. I'm glad you like it some. I say it will hold her back, but I'm not sure that she needs to forget her dad.

My daughter made a poster for it, I'll put it up once I figure out how
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ColinField
Posted: January 21st, 2013, 12:33am Report to Moderator
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I found some minor issues with wording in action paragraphs. Here,


Quoted Text
DANA (late 30s) her mother walks by with a steamy pot of
stew. She sees Christina playfully stick her tongue out at
Dana.


The second sentence is worded awkwardly. It probably should be something like “Christina Playfully sticks her tongue out at her as she passes.” Or “She sees Christina playfully stick her tongue out at her.”

I also found some issues with formatting. I think you need a slug line for when you change rooms in the house. You could also probably lose the “Dana walks into the dining room--“. It’s just not really necessary, and I think you do it once more in the script; so I would lose one of them to get rid of superfluous writing.

Honestly, the story was well thought out and pretty interesting, and you also created some well rounded characters.  However, the ending was really not for me and left me partially unfulfilled. So are you saying that the kite flew up to heaven where her dad wrote a message on it?

I knew a twist was coming, and I really was intrigued to see where it was going for most of the read (it even started to feel like some kind of horror/thriller twist was coming at one point, like they kept his dead body in the closet and brought him out for dinner to force feed him beans) but the twist that did come didn’t feel like the right one.

Overall, I liked it. Consider tweaking the ending a little bit and I think you really have something here.

-Colin

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ColinField  -  January 21st, 2013, 10:20pm
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