The Interrogation by Luis Garza - Short, Thriller - A young detective interrogates an injurious maniac who is ready to murder.  8 pages - pdf, format

Luis,

Some notes.

This one didn't work for me.  She seems almost a parody of a hit-woman.  The detective is hardly a worthy opponent.  The story doesn't go far and ends abruptly.  The reveal seemed unreal as he would have read the list before he went in, wouldn't he?  In any case, there are some English and formatting error that a good edit can fix.

Best
Richard

Thank you for the read Richard!

Weird, I don't seen to find any formatting error, maybe I'm faulty but I could've sworn I did everything right. Maybe there's something I don't know about. Do you think you can help me pointing one out?

Luis - this is one I spotted on the first page:

Quoted Text WOMAN’S VOICE Would you please turn the damn light on? I’m getting bored.

Before this dialogue, I think you need to either intro this character or go with WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S) - we don't really know if she is in the scene or not.

Quoted Text A sudden brightness hits the unaffected expression of a woman’s face.

If this is the same woman - should be "the" Woman's...

Quoted Text MAN’S VOICE Is it comfortable enough for you?

Same issue as with Woman's Voice - above

Quoted Text ALBA Shut up and get to the questions please, I have somewhere else to be.

period needed after please.

Quoted Text DETECTIVE RICKETS I don’t think you’re going anywhere after today Ms. Evans.

need comma before Ms. Evans

Quoted Text DETECTIVE RICKETS You killed your lawyer Ms. Evans.

comma needed after lawyer.

Thank you eldave1 for the read!!

I will polish this script up and really work on noticing things! Looking at it now, it is frustrating knowing how I didn't see that.

Thanks again!

No problem - good luck

I think this needs a lot of work.

As previously stated, formatting is off. If you use INSERT, it takes the readers attention to something specific, you need to take them back to the scene with a BACK TO SCENE once it's over.

If you are going to use parentheticals, they go under the character, not next to the dialogue.

Dialogue is also on the nose.

SPOILERS:

The thing that really didn’t work for me was that when the detective says he knows that Alba works for a secret organisation, she gives herself away in her next line of dialogue, talk about an easy break.  The detective also says he knows that everyone in the organisation has the list. How has this organisation survived so long? They are clearly not very good at staying secret.

Lastly, with no real reason for the detective being on the list, I don't think this really makes any sense. What’s the story here?

Maybe have another look at this.

Best of luck.