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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Confession (The Last Truth) Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Confession (The Last Truth)  (currently 1405 views)
Don
Posted: June 24th, 2016, 5:21pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Confession (was The Last Truth) by Rob Lambert (Fausto Lucignani) - Short, Drama - Two unrelated women share the memories of the same horrific event.  9 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  July 16th, 2016, 9:25am
revised draft
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Warren
Posted: June 24th, 2016, 9:41pm Report to Moderator
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I'm sorry to say but there is so much wrong with this. Formatting is off. Not sure if English is you're first language as it reads a bit strange in certain parts.

The dialogue is so on the nose it's unbearabe. This would not be a great film to watch, it's essentially two talking heads in a room for the entire short.

I felt this took the strangest turn when Elga started to tell her story, did not see that coming, but not in a good way.

The connection between the two characters is so far fetched and and the fact that it was her grandmother, well who really cares.

I do like to try give some possitive feadback aswell but this really missed the mark for me and think it would need a complete overhaul to turn it into something worth reading.


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RichardR
Posted: June 27th, 2016, 1:47pm Report to Moderator
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Fausto,

Some notes.

There are some English issues in this one, often a dropped word.  So, you need a thorough edit.

The story is far too coincidental.  These sorts of things don't happen very often in real life.  Now, at 96, this is probably not Elga's first brush with death.  Being frail and on meds, she most likely has been there before.  The dialogue if far too direct, and you start the scene far too early.  The adage is to get in late and leave early.  So, you might consider starting this at the end of Sara's explanation.  The mortality rate is this, the morbidity rate is this.  We'll do our best.  Any questions?  

Best
Richard
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Fausto
Posted: June 28th, 2016, 6:58am Report to Moderator
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Richard,
thank you very much for your constructive comment. I deeply appreciate it. I will rewrite the script following your suggestions. The premise of the story is that Sara (the surgeon), after yhe old patient's revelation, is pondering in her mind to kill her during the operation. I'll work on it.
Thanks again.
Fausto
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Fausto
Posted: June 28th, 2016, 7:00am Report to Moderator
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Thank you to all for your comments. I'll work on it.
Fausto
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eldave1
Posted: June 28th, 2016, 9:38am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
INT. HOSPITAL - ROOM - MORNING (2016)


You don't need the year in your scene heading.

SPOILERS

There are issues in the writing, mostly dealing with the dialogue, that has already been pointed out. I found the coincidence (i.e., the Doctor's story) a bridge too far. All that being said, there are elements that are very promising. The premise of an otherwise innocent elderly woman on her hospital bed with a tortured hidden past is an interesting one. I do think there is a story here. Bestt of luck.




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RichardR
Posted: June 28th, 2016, 9:56am Report to Moderator
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Fausto,

A thought.

BIG SPOILER

If you wish to push the envelope, arrange for the old lady to confess after she's learned something about the surgeon.  If you reverse the revelations, you can add a final scene where the surgeon meets the remaining family.  In the scene, the surgeon regrets the death of the old woman, an immigrant from Germany after the war.  And the family says 'what?'  The old woman was born in Nachez, Mississippi and never left the states.  Suicide by surgeon?

Best
Richard
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Fausto
Posted: June 28th, 2016, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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Richard,
thank you for your suggested story...however, even though it's a good story, I feel that it's very different from what I'm proposing. In essence, the premise of the script is to have the reader asking himself/herself if the surgeon "kills" the old Nazi woman in revenge during the operation.  I'll see what I can do with this.
I appreciate your input.
Fausto
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RichardR
Posted: June 28th, 2016, 1:30pm Report to Moderator
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Fasuto,

I understand.  YOu're looking for a lady or tiger question.  Works for me.  Good luck.

Richard
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Warren
Posted: July 14th, 2016, 7:14pm Report to Moderator
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I thought I recognised this.

It was posted on the 24 of June as THE LAST TRUTH written by Fausto Lucignani.

It's a slightly tweeked version. Am I missing something?


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Angry Bear
Posted: July 14th, 2016, 7:36pm Report to Moderator
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That's interesting. Maybe Don will look into it. Sharp eyeWarren.


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Warren
Posted: July 14th, 2016, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
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Sharp eye or need to get a life


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cbead
Posted: July 15th, 2016, 11:23am Report to Moderator
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A nom de plume or a brazen plagiarist?


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bert
Posted: July 15th, 2016, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
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Locking this thread until Don has taken a look.  Could be nothing, could be a jerk.  We'll see.


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Don
Posted: July 15th, 2016, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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Mystery solved.  Revised draft of The Last Truth with name change.

- Don


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