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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Death of a Friend Moderators: bert
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  Author    Death of a Friend  (currently 761 views)
Posted: September 26th, 2016, 5:33pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Death of a Friend by Bhagat Singh (bhagat726) - {No logline} 4 pages - Short, Drama - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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Posted: September 26th, 2016, 6:33pm Report to Moderator
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Sydney, Australia
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Sorry, but this is essentially two pages of on the nose dialogue with absolutely nothing happening and no story.

That may seem harsh but there isnít anything here.

At the very least you need a story.

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Posted: September 27th, 2016, 2:26pm Report to Moderator

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some notes.

This one is an attempt to draw the audience to feel something akin to what the characters feel.  it doesn't work.  There is no story, no reason why they feel bad, and certainly no reason for the audience to join in.

I subscribe to the notion that if the character is crying, the audience isn't.  Show the audience a reason to feel something.

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