Stand Tall! by Vincent Paterno - Romantic Comdy, Comedy - A Vegas waitress tripled in size falls for the scientist who accidentally enlarged her, sacrificing newfound showroom stardom to save him when he's kidnapped by her abusive ex, a blackmailing mobster and a haughty former showgirl. 99 pages

Treatment

contest:  Winner, Best Character in a Screenplay, Die Laughing Film Festival; Finalist in Los Angeles CineFest, IndustryBOOST; Finalist Las Vegas International Screenwriting competitions; Selection: Las Vegas International Film & Screenwriting Competition; Oaxaca FilmFest; LA LIVE FilmFest; Page Turner Screenplays. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This seems bizzare. Makes me want to read it, which I will. Writer, let me know you're around and I'll put something up when I finish.

I'm around, and looking forward to your feedback.

Yeah, it's bizarre, but in a sweet way, I hope. My thought behind STAND TALL! (note the exclamation point, which I presume couldn't be included in the subject line for stylistic reasons) was to create a homage to the popular sci-fi subgenre, the "giant woman" movie -- but to make it a full-fledged romantic comedy, with a lovable, supersized heroine who would rather entertain people than attack them. Hope you enjoy it.

Any further feedback on STAND TALL! would be appreciated.

Still working on getting this read, Vincent. Sit tight.

I have an updated version of STAND TALL! How do I forward it?

Vincent: I read five. THere are real issues with the dialogue IMO - it is unnatural. Anyway:

Quoted Text INT. BRYSON CASINO, LAS VEGAS - DAY

A real nit - but "Bryson" for a casino name is pretty unappealing/bland.  Unless it is named after a character somewhere down the line I would consider a change.

Quoted Text COLLEEN COSSITT (3, a pert blonde in skimpy blue lingerie, sheer-to-waist nude pantyhose and blue suede pumps, sensually dances and sings on a mini-stage. A bell rings; she stops.

Given the action later - I think a bit more description of the room would help. e.g., something like (just making this up).

INT. BRYSON CASINO, LAS VEGAS - DAY

Older, smaller and more rundown than the modern casinos.

POKER TABLES and SLOT MACHINES fill the room. A Bar and a mini-stage sit at the end of the room. On that stage, COLLEEN COSSITT (3, a pert blonde in skimpy blue lingerie,
sheer-to-waist nude pantyhose and blue suede pumps, sensually
dances and sings. She is paid little attention by the patrons.

A bell RINGS. Collen stops.


Not the above exactly - but something to show us the logistics of the room so that it makes sense when Collen grabs that tray and starts serving drinks.

Quoted Text SUPER: The Bryson Hotel and Casino, Las Vegas, June 1

Unless June 1 is important story wise - I would not be that specific on the date. Just say Summer of Spring - or nothing.

Look for opportunities to pop your action lines a bit. For example:

Quoted Text Colleen goes to a poker table where KESWICK FLETCHER (40), in an elbow-padded tweed jacket, sits eyeing his hand, and her.

Rather than the pedestrian - "goes" - use something more descriptive - e.g., sashays, or strolls.

I had problems with the dialogue. It is way too expositional and unnatural. Collen has known this guy forever and the first line exchange is:

Quoted Text COLLEEN Ten years ago today, the Bryson began this “super server” program. She gives a man seated at Keswick’s left a glass of water. KESWICK To serve, sing and dance.

That is not going to be the first greeting. It's going to be - Hey, how you doing? Or - I brought you the usual. I know you're trying to get the background stated - but this is not the way to do it.

Quoted Text COLLEEN I was in that first class. Not the showgirl job I’d wanted-- KESWICK Too short, unlike that lady you just, uh, met?

Again - not a natural conversation amongst people who know each other. The entire scene here has this issue, IMO. GO through it and ask yourself - am I including this dialogue for exposition purposes - or it it how they naturally talk to each other?

From what I can see - this is an issue throughout. For example:

Quoted Text COLLEEN The son I'll never have, thanks to my ex. And the money I don't have, thanks to him, too.

They're sisters - they already know this - they would not say it.

Quoted Text INTERCUT WITH: INT. COLLEEN’S LAS VEGAS APARTMENT, KITCHEN - DAY MAUREEN COSSITT (44), a blonde like her sister, albeit far more world-weary in appearance. MAUREEN (V.O.) Ivan’s back in I-C-U.

If you are doing an Intercut you don't need the V.O.

Hope this helps - best of luck.

Made some of the changes you suggested, including defining the Bryson as a less glitzy, more old-school casino overshadowed by its glamorous neighbors on the Strip. Thanks.

My pleasure - best of luck

And in response to one of your comments, June 1 is an appropriate date to begin the story. It's near the end of the school year when 8-year-old Ivan Black is hospitalized. Then, as he's recuperating over the summer in Keswick Fletcher's warehouse turned home/laboratory, he, his mom Maureen Cossitt and the scientist's assistant Belinda Austin travel to Vegas to see the July 4 fireworks on the Strip, leaving Colleen Cossitt and Keswick alone for the first time since her growth into a giant. That evening, they confess they're in love with each other.

Got it - Still think you are better off going with something more generic - e.g., BEGINNING OF SUMMER  but if you think a specific date is critical - stick with it

I should also note I named the casino the Bryson because from my former apartment in Los Angeles, I could see the Bryson, built in 1913 and first of the many mid- to high-rise apartment buildings on Wilshire Boulevard. (For several years, it was owned by actor Fred MacMurray, who was quite active in LA real estate.)

Vincent,

You still want some feedback on your script?

Latest version posted?

Frank

I would love feedback -- especially since I've substantially revised the story after receiving coverage suggestions. The new version, which I'll try to upload here, can be found at https://filmfreeway.com/projects/476988.

Vincent,

Enjoyed reading your script.
Per your request, I e-mailed my review.

Good luck.

Frank