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You gotta admire Spooky McSpooks' creative vision. In the context of what's going on, the story doesn't give me a horror vibe, but somewhat there so I'd say the challenge was met. Plus you could also make a case with the blended imagery of animals and f'ed up stuff.
With the exception of some excessive dialogue at start, I was hooked when Brer got to fox's mound... I was wondering what would happen next... made me forget about horror altogether. But when the horror kicked in, it felt that way for the sake of horror. After the slaughter, the zippy-doo-dah gives it a darker note, but nothing closer to how Brer arrived at his deadly choice.
Refreshing to have a rabbit as the lead character.
Story wise this didn't do much for me - they have some kind of argument over a business deal, so the bunny goes round and slighters the whole family, trying to frame the fox. Not my kind of thing I suppose
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Dig that logline, sounds like I may be into this one.
2 pages in, can't even imagine how this becomes a horror.
Not a big fan of these animals cursing at eachother, it just feels off.
... ok, so just like that Brer is an ax murderer.
i can't even imagine the visuals of all this carnage with animals. as sick as it sounds, the thought actually makes me laugh a little. it's so ridiculous.
i guess the moral of the story is don't mess with Brer.
really all this was was an argument about land, and a staged murder-suicide. can't say i recall the Brer from the stories being like this, but hey, that's fine. i guess it fit the criteria for the challenge.
this won't be one of the my favorites, but i can appreciate the effort.
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I liked how this was a role reversal. Normally the fox character would be the bad guy, yet they are portrayed as the victims here which is refreshing. It also threw me in a disturbing way how these characters from my childhood swear like troopers lol!
Easy to follow but some of the descriptions were telling instead of showing and repetitive e.g. "visibly angry yet silent" closely followed by " visibly distressed yet Brer’s face is as cold as ice."
What lets this interesting idea down for me was the actual story. It's basically 'Brer Rabbit Goes Completely Psycho' and that wasn't enough I'm sorry to say.
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I think it's a mistake to use actual animals here, but who knows...let's see.
The description given to the characters is overdone and unnecessary.
Seems to wan to be taken seriously, but it's hard to with these creatures and the dialogue involved.
Just too much dialogue going on.
Numerous mistakes cropping up in punctuation, words running together, orphans, etc.
Page 6 - very little is happening. Words and lines are being repeated to pad the length. Writing is going downhill very quickly.
"No damage is shown, only the blood splattering around Brer’s frame." - Huh? Everything you write, in theory, is being shown. If you don't to show violence, you need to write it that way, not add a note that disregards all you've just shown.
Damn...now killing the fox's children?
Very mean spirited script here...and really, I don't see the reasons. I don't see any story, any characterizations, nor any connection to the source material, other than Brer's name.
Writing is poor throughout, which never helps.
Challenge Parameters - D-
Script/Story/Execution - D
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
P1,2 too much dialogue not moving things forward. It's also too far in the comedy corner for my taste.
Slugs: MIDDAY, LATER ON Don't know why people can't just let it be DAY or NIGHT. It's just irritating. For sure it's LATER, why shouldn't it?
Okay, slightly it drifts to something suspicious and valuable then. I like how the tone and atmosphere eventually switched in the mound.
It looks very clean on the page but I notice lots of "ings" I completely dislike because they slow my read and serve passivity only.
A brutal ending. The ending needs more irony or something else. Its essence cannot be ultimate bad things happen for three minutes screen time and FADE OUT.
Though, when he looked at the set up scene in the mound and what he just has done… this is a quite strong, scary image you build. Heavy. Still, there's something missing I cannot explain. If stories would work with wholly theories, this pattern isn't completed. As said, there's too much one way "down" in the end. Opening should be reduced a lot. Act 1 was not good at all imo. Solid script, partly a good one.
Okay, well this one took a sharp left at Gruesome! Problem is, it just didn't make much sense for Brer to do all that. I'm guessing you through it in to meet the horror requirement, but nothing was foreshadowed, and there doesn't seem to be a reason Brer would do this. Nice try, though.
The writing isn't bad, but you need some touch up. You shouldn't tell us what is seen or not seen. If you don't want us, the reader, not to see it then just don't show it. It can be implied. Somewhere you had a one word orphan. Normally, I don't bust chops on orphans but that one was so unnecessary.
Well, you could have been onto something here, I was really getting into this; I love the whole stop motion animation thing, seriously. I especially dig Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit, I watch it every Halloween, along with Sleepy Hollow... it's kind of a ritual.
Anyways, like I was saying, I was getting all excited thinking you cooked up some funny/spooky " Brer in Sleepy Shire" type theme. I even got my popcorn all ready, my soda, opened this up and - f*ck this! - f*ck you! - f*ck that! ... huh? Sorry, that bummed me out... thanks pal.
If that wasn't enough, you had to add insult to injury with a senseless bloodbath of women and children, why? What if Fox was home when Brer went there and it became instantly confrontational, as I assume it would have. The logistics of the story were off too, Penny had to tell him where the bathroom was like he had never been there before, yet he put his hatchet outside the bathroom window.
There's a myriad of things that could be nixed from this to clean it up , but I'll leave that for the script Nazis and the like.
I(seriously) think you had a fun idea here, but it somehow went south on you based on the assumption you package horror in the same barrel as gore. Too bad, this might have been a novel idea... sans the psychotic episode.
This one went south really quick lol. I wish there was more of a reason for Brer to go off the deep end like that. I think whats lacking is any type of character development, it would be nice to be able to connect with Brer on some sort of level, before we are shown his true colors.
I got a real Patrick Bateman feel from Brer, a psycho for the sake of being a psycho. I think it would've had more of an effect if we could relate to Brer, adding a creep factor because that would make us believe anyone could be a pure psycho.
The writing wasn't bad at all, I just think the characters need to be fleshed out, you do keep in spirit of the challenge so I say well done.
I'm going to pass on this one simply because I didn't feel for the characters or really get any sense of them. (I know it's hard considering the amount of pages we can write)