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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  Brer - OWC
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  Author    Brer - OWC  (currently 1940 views)
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 12:15pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Brer by Spooky McSpooks

Brer Rabbit is a witty, savvy businessman. He does however have his moments where he resorts to his uncivil, animalistic origins.

Short Slasher Horror based on Brer Rabbit

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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 15th, 2016, 12:26pm
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Posted: October 15th, 2016, 2:31pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Sydney, Australia
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First one in for me.

I thought it was relatively well written despite the large chunks of dialogue.

Some dialogue was OTN.

I felt the rabbits actions were not really warranted for what actually happened. It all seemed extreme for the sake of it.

Was some great imagery along the way.

I would recommend keeping your scene heading time of day to DAY or NIGHT.

My main issue is the lack of horror and I feel that the fact that you went with real animals had something to do with that.

This is a pass for me.

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Posted: October 15th, 2016, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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A nod to Psycho?

I read Psycho Psycho. Then it went to the murder scene - he killed them in cold blood just out of love for blood just like the Psycho character.

I wish he had a reason though. As with the Psycho - I wasn't completely satisfied with the movie. The movie has comedy elements and a great actor that's why I could sit through it.

The dialog didn't surve much purpose for me. I think it could be about Penny or something. I guess I want a more rounded story.

It's well written and an easy read though. Just not my cup of tea.
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Posted: October 15th, 2016, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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I thought this was a good idea but it went off the deep end for me... there's not enough set up of Brer been psychotic to justify his actions imho.

The dialogue is overlong in places and there's a few errors that would be fixed with a re-read/re-write.

Nice try


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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Posted: October 15th, 2016, 6:09pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

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Same here for me.  I couldn't figure out why Brer killed everyone.  He didn't seem to have any reason to do so, other than just being psychotic, so it seemed out of place.  

Overall the writing is alright.  It could be good with some more added to it other than the restraints that were placed on the competition.  
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Posted: October 15th, 2016, 9:49pm Report to Moderator

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You gotta admire Spooky McSpooks' creative vision. In the context of what's going on, the story doesn't give me a horror vibe, but somewhat there so I'd say the challenge was met. Plus you could also make a case with the blended imagery of animals and f'ed up stuff.

With the exception of some excessive dialogue at start, I was hooked when Brer got to fox's mound... I was wondering what would happen next... made me forget about horror altogether. But when the horror kicked in, it felt that way for the sake of horror. After the slaughter, the zippy-doo-dah gives it a darker note, but nothing closer to how Brer arrived at his deadly choice.

Mega points for creativity!
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 9:49am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

where's my simply scripts thong?

The Island of Jersey
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Refreshing to have a rabbit as the lead character.

Story wise this didn't do much for me - they have some kind of argument over a business deal, so the bunny goes round and slighters the whole family, trying to frame the fox. Not my kind of thing I suppose

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Posted: October 17th, 2016, 9:12am Report to Moderator
Been around a while

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ok, Brer Rabbit... yeah, I remember that dude.  

Dig that logline, sounds like I may be into this one.

2 pages in, can't even imagine how this becomes a horror.

Not a big fan of these animals cursing at eachother, it just feels off.

... ok, so just like that Brer is an ax murderer.

i can't even imagine the visuals of all this carnage with animals.  as sick as it sounds, the thought actually makes me laugh a little.  it's so ridiculous.

i guess the moral of the story is don't mess with Brer.

really all this was was an argument about land, and a staged murder-suicide.   can't say i recall the Brer from the stories being like this, but hey, that's fine.  i guess it fit the criteria for the challenge.

this won't be one of the my favorites, but i can appreciate the effort.

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Posted: October 17th, 2016, 9:54am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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I liked how this was a role reversal. Normally the fox character would be the bad guy, yet they are portrayed as the victims here which is refreshing. It also threw me in a disturbing way how these characters from my childhood swear like troopers lol!

Easy to follow but some of the descriptions were telling instead of showing and repetitive e.g. "visibly angry yet silent" closely followed by " visibly distressed yet Brerís face is as cold as ice."

What lets this interesting idea down for me was the actual story. It's basically 'Brer Rabbit Goes Completely Psycho'  and that wasn't enough I'm sorry to say.


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Posted: October 17th, 2016, 11:16am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Yes, that is my real hair...

Cave Creek, AZ
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I think it's a mistake to use actual animals here, but who knows...let's see.

The description given to the characters is overdone and unnecessary.

Seems to wan to be taken seriously, but it's hard to with these creatures and the dialogue involved.

Just too much dialogue going on.

Numerous mistakes cropping up in punctuation, words running together, orphans, etc.

Page 6 - very little is happening.  Words and lines are being repeated to pad the length.  Writing is going downhill very quickly.

"No damage is shown, only the blood splattering around Brerís frame." - Huh?  Everything you write, in theory, is being shown.  If you don't to show violence, you need to write it that way, not add a note that disregards all you've just shown. killing the fox's children?

Very mean spirited script here...and really, I don't see the reasons.  I don't see any story, any characterizations, nor any connection to the source material, other than Brer's name.

Writing is poor throughout, which never helps.


Challenge Parameters - D-

Script/Story/Execution - D

To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Posted: October 18th, 2016, 8:21am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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Cool logline.

P1,2  too much dialogue not moving things forward. It's also too far in the comedy corner for my taste.

Don't know why people can't just let it be DAY or NIGHT. It's just irritating. For sure it's LATER, why shouldn't it?

Okay, slightly it drifts to something suspicious and valuable then. I like how the tone and atmosphere eventually switched in the mound.

It looks very clean on the page but I notice lots of "ings" I completely dislike because they slow my read and serve passivity only.

A brutal ending. The ending needs more irony or something else. Its essence cannot be ultimate bad things happen for three minutes screen time and FADE OUT.

Though, when he looked at the set up scene in the mound and what he just has doneÖ this is a quite strong, scary image you build. Heavy. Still, there's something missing I cannot explain. If stories would work with wholly theories, this pattern isn't completed. As said, there's too much one way "down" in the end. Opening should be reduced a lot. Act 1 was not good at all imo. Solid script, partly a good one.

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irish eyes
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Upstate New York
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Interesting concept, was starting to get bored up to 6 pages and then it all went haywire lol

From one extreme to the other. Not sure what kicked Brer over the edge... was it the kettle boiling?

And besides he's been best friends with the Foxes so i'm sure they should know about his psycho

no real flow but I'll give you creativity

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Posted: October 20th, 2016, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Upstate NY
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Okay, well this one took a sharp left at Gruesome! Problem is, it just didn't make much sense for Brer to do all that. I'm guessing you through it in to meet the horror requirement, but nothing was foreshadowed, and there doesn't seem to be a reason Brer would do this. Nice try, though.

The writing isn't bad, but you need some touch up. You shouldn't tell us what is seen or not seen. If you don't want us, the reader, not to see it then just don't show it. It can be implied. Somewhere you had a one word orphan. Normally, I don't bust chops on orphans but that one was so unnecessary.

Anyway, good effort.


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Posted: October 20th, 2016, 4:22pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

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Well, you could have been onto something here, I was really getting into this; I love the whole stop motion animation thing, seriously. I especially dig Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit, I watch it every Halloween, along with Sleepy Hollow... it's kind of a ritual.

Anyways, like I was saying, I was getting all excited thinking you cooked up some funny/spooky " Brer in Sleepy Shire" type theme. I even got my popcorn all ready, my soda, opened this up and  - f*ck this! - f*ck you! - f*ck  that! ... huh? Sorry, that bummed me out... thanks pal.

If that wasn't enough, you had to add insult to injury with a senseless bloodbath of women and children, why? What if Fox was home when Brer went there and it became instantly confrontational, as I assume it would have. The logistics of the story were off too, Penny had to tell him where the bathroom was like he had never been there before, yet he put his hatchet outside the bathroom window.

There's a myriad of things that could be nixed from this to clean it up , but I'll leave that for the script Nazis and the like.

I(seriously) think you had a fun idea here, but it somehow went south on you based on the assumption you package horror in the same barrel as gore. Too bad, this might have been a novel idea... sans the psychotic episode.
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Posted: October 21st, 2016, 12:44pm Report to Moderator

All you need to make a movie is a girl and a gun

Tokyo, Japan
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This one went south really quick lol. I wish there was more of a reason for Brer to go off the deep end like that. I think whats lacking is any type of character development, it would be nice to be able to connect with Brer on some sort of level, before we are shown his true colors.

I got a real Patrick Bateman feel from Brer, a psycho for the sake of being a psycho. I think it would've had more of an effect if we could relate to Brer, adding a creep factor because that would make us believe anyone could be a pure psycho.

The writing wasn't bad at all, I just think the characters need to be fleshed out, you do keep in spirit of the challenge so I say well done.

I'm going to pass on this one simply because I didn't feel for the characters or really get any sense of them. (I know it's hard considering the amount of pages we can write)

Good luck in the future
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