SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is September 20th, 2019, 12:10pm
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The August/September Challenge has begun!

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  Brer - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Brer - OWC  (currently 1940 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 12:15pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13273
Posts Per Day
1.95
Brer by Spooky McSpooks

Brer Rabbit is a witty, savvy businessman. He does however have his moments where he resorts to his uncivil, animalistic origins.

Short Slasher Horror based on Brer Rabbit


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 15th, 2016, 12:26pm
Logged
Site Private Message
Warren
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 2:31pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
2635
Posts Per Day
2.19
First one in for me.

I thought it was relatively well written despite the large chunks of dialogue.

Some dialogue was OTN.

I felt the rabbits actions were not really warranted for what actually happened. It all seemed extreme for the sake of it.

Was some great imagery along the way.

I would recommend keeping your scene heading time of day to DAY or NIGHT.

My main issue is the lack of horror and I feel that the fact that you went with real animals had something to do with that.

This is a pass for me.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 21
khamanna
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
3218
Posts Per Day
0.88
A nod to Psycho?

I read Psycho Psycho. Then it went to the murder scene - he killed them in cold blood just out of love for blood just like the Psycho character.

I wish he had a reason though. As with the Psycho - I wasn't completely satisfied with the movie. The movie has comedy elements and a great actor that's why I could sit through it.

The dialog didn't surve much purpose for me. I think it could be about Penny or something. I guess I want a more rounded story.

It's well written and an easy read though. Just not my cup of tea.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 21
AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
UK
Posts
3023
Posts Per Day
1.41
I thought this was a good idea but it went off the deep end for me... there's not enough set up of Brer been psychotic to justify his actions imho.

The dialogue is overlong in places and there's a few errors that would be fixed with a re-read/re-write.

Nice try

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 3 - 21
Nolan
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 6:09pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Posts
184
Posts Per Day
0.13
Same here for me.  I couldn't figure out why Brer killed everyone.  He didn't seem to have any reason to do so, other than just being psychotic, so it seemed out of place.  

Overall the writing is alright.  It could be good with some more added to it other than the restraints that were placed on the competition.  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 21
oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Posts
849
Posts Per Day
0.32
You gotta admire Spooky McSpooks' creative vision. In the context of what's going on, the story doesn't give me a horror vibe, but somewhat there so I'd say the challenge was met. Plus you could also make a case with the blended imagery of animals and f'ed up stuff.

With the exception of some excessive dialogue at start, I was hooked when Brer got to fox's mound... I was wondering what would happen next... made me forget about horror altogether. But when the horror kicked in, it felt that way for the sake of horror. After the slaughter, the zippy-doo-dah gives it a darker note, but nothing closer to how Brer arrived at his deadly choice.

Mega points for creativity!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 21
Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 9:49am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


where's my simply scripts thong?

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2526
Posts Per Day
0.85
Refreshing to have a rabbit as the lead character.

Story wise this didn't do much for me - they have some kind of argument over a business deal, so the bunny goes round and slighters the whole family, trying to frame the fox. Not my kind of thing I suppose


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 21
Conz
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 9:12am Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Posts
314
Posts Per Day
0.10
ok, Brer Rabbit... yeah, I remember that dude.  

Dig that logline, sounds like I may be into this one.

2 pages in, can't even imagine how this becomes a horror.

Not a big fan of these animals cursing at eachother, it just feels off.

... ok, so just like that Brer is an ax murderer.

i can't even imagine the visuals of all this carnage with animals.  as sick as it sounds, the thought actually makes me laugh a little.  it's so ridiculous.

i guess the moral of the story is don't mess with Brer.

really all this was was an argument about land, and a staged murder-suicide.   can't say i recall the Brer from the stories being like this, but hey, that's fine.  i guess it fit the criteria for the challenge.

this won't be one of the my favorites, but i can appreciate the effort.


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.††

"Career" Highlights
-I have a single credit on my IMDB page.††
-One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back.††
-I have almost made $1000 with my writing!
-I've won 2 mugs... and a thong.  (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)

@vc_wg - because I crave attention
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 21
MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 9:54am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
UK
Posts
1598
Posts Per Day
0.69
I liked how this was a role reversal. Normally the fox character would be the bad guy, yet they are portrayed as the victims here which is refreshing. It also threw me in a disturbing way how these characters from my childhood swear like troopers lol!

Easy to follow but some of the descriptions were telling instead of showing and repetitive e.g. "visibly angry yet silent" closely followed by " visibly distressed yet Brerís face is as cold as ice."

What lets this interesting idea down for me was the actual story. It's basically 'Brer Rabbit Goes Completely Psycho'  and that wasn't enough I'm sorry to say.


-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 8 - 21
Dreamscale
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 11:16am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11033
Posts Per Day
2.56
I think it's a mistake to use actual animals here, but who knows...let's see.

The description given to the characters is overdone and unnecessary.

Seems to wan to be taken seriously, but it's hard to with these creatures and the dialogue involved.

Just too much dialogue going on.

Numerous mistakes cropping up in punctuation, words running together, orphans, etc.

Page 6 - very little is happening.  Words and lines are being repeated to pad the length.  Writing is going downhill very quickly.

"No damage is shown, only the blood splattering around Brerís frame." - Huh?  Everything you write, in theory, is being shown.  If you don't to show violence, you need to write it that way, not add a note that disregards all you've just shown.

Damn...now killing the fox's children?

Very mean spirited script here...and really, I don't see the reasons.  I don't see any story, any characterizations, nor any connection to the source material, other than Brer's name.

Writing is poor throughout, which never helps.

Grades

Challenge Parameters - D-

Script/Story/Execution - D




To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 21
PrussianMosby
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 8:21am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
1372
Posts Per Day
0.64
Cool logline.

P1,2  too much dialogue not moving things forward. It's also too far in the comedy corner for my taste.

Slugs: MIDDAY, LATER ON
Don't know why people can't just let it be DAY or NIGHT. It's just irritating. For sure it's LATER, why shouldn't it?

Okay, slightly it drifts to something suspicious and valuable then. I like how the tone and atmosphere eventually switched in the mound.

It looks very clean on the page but I notice lots of "ings" I completely dislike because they slow my read and serve passivity only.

A brutal ending. The ending needs more irony or something else. Its essence cannot be ultimate bad things happen for three minutes screen time and FADE OUT.

Though, when he looked at the set up scene in the mound and what he just has doneÖ this is a quite strong, scary image you build. Heavy. Still, there's something missing I cannot explain. If stories would work with wholly theories, this pattern isn't completed. As said, there's too much one way "down" in the end. Opening should be reduced a lot. Act 1 was not good at all imo. Solid script, partly a good one.


In the Head of the Driver (3p - drama, sports, SF)

Those Infinite Wolves††(8p - psychological horror)

Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 21
irish eyes
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1672
Posts Per Day
0.48
Interesting concept, was starting to get bored up to 6 pages and then it all went haywire lol

From one extreme to the other. Not sure what kicked Brer over the edge... was it the kettle boiling?

And besides he's been best friends with the Foxes so i'm sure they should know about his psycho
tendancies..

no real flow but I'll give you creativity


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 21
StevenClark
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Upstate NY
Posts
1864
Posts Per Day
0.77
Writer,

Okay, well this one took a sharp left at Gruesome! Problem is, it just didn't make much sense for Brer to do all that. I'm guessing you through it in to meet the horror requirement, but nothing was foreshadowed, and there doesn't seem to be a reason Brer would do this. Nice try, though.

The writing isn't bad, but you need some touch up. You shouldn't tell us what is seen or not seen. If you don't want us, the reader, not to see it then just don't show it. It can be implied. Somewhere you had a one word orphan. Normally, I don't bust chops on orphans but that one was so unnecessary.

Anyway, good effort.

Steve


Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 21
Gum
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 4:22pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Posts
387
Posts Per Day
1.15
Well, you could have been onto something here, I was really getting into this; I love the whole stop motion animation thing, seriously. I especially dig Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit, I watch it every Halloween, along with Sleepy Hollow... it's kind of a ritual.

Anyways, like I was saying, I was getting all excited thinking you cooked up some funny/spooky " Brer in Sleepy Shire" type theme. I even got my popcorn all ready, my soda, opened this up and  - f*ck this! - f*ck you! - f*ck  that! ... huh? Sorry, that bummed me out... thanks pal.

If that wasn't enough, you had to add insult to injury with a senseless bloodbath of women and children, why? What if Fox was home when Brer went there and it became instantly confrontational, as I assume it would have. The logistics of the story were off too, Penny had to tell him where the bathroom was like he had never been there before, yet he put his hatchet outside the bathroom window.

There's a myriad of things that could be nixed from this to clean it up , but I'll leave that for the script Nazis and the like.

I(seriously) think you had a fun idea here, but it somehow went south on you based on the assumption you package horror in the same barrel as gore. Too bad, this might have been a novel idea... sans the psychotic episode.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 21
PraneelNand
Posted: October 21st, 2016, 12:44pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


All you need to make a movie is a girl and a gun

Location
Tokyo, Japan
Posts
18
Posts Per Day
0.01
This one went south really quick lol. I wish there was more of a reason for Brer to go off the deep end like that. I think whats lacking is any type of character development, it would be nice to be able to connect with Brer on some sort of level, before we are shown his true colors.

I got a real Patrick Bateman feel from Brer, a psycho for the sake of being a psycho. I think it would've had more of an effect if we could relate to Brer, adding a creep factor because that would make us believe anyone could be a pure psycho.

The writing wasn't bad at all, I just think the characters need to be fleshed out, you do keep in spirit of the challenge so I say well done.

I'm going to pass on this one simply because I didn't feel for the characters or really get any sense of them. (I know it's hard considering the amount of pages we can write)

Good luck in the future
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 21
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006