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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  Snow - OWC
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  Author    Snow - OWC  (currently 1837 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Snow by Three Blind Mice

A queen gives her last life blood to save her daughter. Only catch, her blood comes with a curse.

Short Vampire Horror based on Snow White


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khamanna
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 4:52am Report to Moderator
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Parts like this gave me a laugh:
"It is Snow, Father! The one I've been secretly courting! She is my sister!"
Looks like they are not intentional at all as you repeat them over and over. And it's getting funnier and funnier:
"I assure you you have no sister. And I know this because I killed your mother!"

So, as a comedy it's kind of unconventional. But SSers will understand I'm sure. "Thump, thump. Thump, thump". Yeah they will.

Oh, I'm so sure it is what it is. Not saying the word though.
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Nathan Hill
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 6:05am Report to Moderator
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Dialogue was way too on the nose for me. I think that was intentional though but it just didn't feel like a horror. Like Kham said, maybe it is a comedy? If it is, I can definetly see it being so but the genre is horror so I guess this doesn't scare me or even disturb me? Good try anyway but the entire thing just felt flat to me.
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Warren
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 5:26pm Report to Moderator
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Personally didn’t mind this one, but yes I agree there is no real horror in sight.

Dialogue is occasionally OTN and some of the sentences are written awkwardly.

Its a consider from me.


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Gum
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
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In keeping with the original (Germanic) tale, I think this could have been a fantastic script. From what I recall, however, the original story was devoted to necrophilia... not incest. Of course, neither is the lesser of the two evils.

Some aspects of the Snow White we know came through as such, and others were improvised with a unique theme. I especially liked that of the poisonous 'Silver' apples... (Mercury, a severely toxic, liquid metal could be easier to work with, just saying).

Actions of the King are somewhat contradictory, IMO. At first he has no reservations about murdering his wife and the abomination in her womb, yet, when he receives word that this same hellion managed to survive, thrive, and is roaming through the castle he gets all nostalgic? Sorry, that's where you lost me.

The concept of Royal blood is no great mystery anymore; Prince Charles even claims to be a descendant of 'Vlad the Impaler'. However, it's how you weave the web of their (Royal Families') internal structure into new stories that intrigue readers beyond the old fairy tales they once heard; something new and exciting to expose the family and their clandestine lifestyle behind the iron door.

I love Snow White. It's iconic and loaded with parables, imaginative creatures, and dark dirty secrets to embellish on. This script delivered something different...  just not intriguing enough to satisfy the creep factor I was looking for. All the best.
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StevenClark
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 7:31am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Pretty decent entry. Some of the dialogue seemed to be out of place with the time period -- Ew. Gross! And what of the seven dwarves? They made an appearance for like a few seconds, then we never saw them again nor did they have any bearing on the story. IMO, you should've just left em out because they did nothing for your story.

Anyway, I kinda liked it but it really had nothing in it to really capture my attention and say wow! Now that's different. Still, pretty good for the time allowed.

Steve



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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 10:25am Report to Moderator
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I like that you've changed Snow White into a Vampire, that's a nice twist.

Some excellent descriptions as well, this is a great example of adding a bit of unfilmable flair into your action blocks to make it stand out but not excessively so. It was easy to follow and immersive.

The dialogue lets this down. I'm not sure if you were intentionally trying to make it sound like fairy tale talk like from a Disney film, if so I can understand why you went for it, unfortunately it gives the script a comedy element which detracts from the creepy horror side.

As it was this and the fairly straightforward story makes this a pass for me personally but it's well written and a decent effort.

-Mark


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 10:40am Report to Moderator
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3 more to go...I'll try and provide good detail on these last 3.

Opening not good, and actually kind of funny.  It's night and you describe the castle as "surrounded by its citizens" - so, what we're seeing here is the castle and all the inhabitants surrounding it.     I don't think so...

Pretty good so far.

Page 2 - You blew the opportunity for a good kill scene, completely by poor writing and all of a sudden kind of shit - "She leans forward." - What does that mean and why is it important?  "He drives a stake through her heart." - Just like that?  Where did the stake come from?  If she's leaning forward, how is her heart even exposed?

Next line is also bad.  First, he jerks his hand back, then, in the same sentence, he's running out of the room?

"Labor?"  I don't know, but since you're suggesting this to me, I'll have to assume that's what it is.

Hmmm, when you use the word "postmortem", I have to assume that means she's dead, yet that's obviously not the case.  This whole scene should be handled much differently.

"heartbeat" is 1 word - as written, it makes the reader stop and reread the line, thinking a word is mising.

How does Queen sever the umbilical cord?  She "falls down dead"?  Isn't she lying on the bed?

"Title:" - Should be "SUPER"

"Gross" - Doesn't sound what a lad would say in this day and age.

Wait...Snow and Harry are messing around in the hay and then, he just whips out a loaf of bread and giant turkey leg?  If this were a pisser, that would be hilarious. If not, that's really weird.

Page 3 - The dialogue here is cringingly bad...almost seems to be trying to be.

Page 4 - Ha...Snow just scales a castle wall and enters the royal chamber?  Oh boy...

Things have really taken a turn to the absurd and almost pisser territory.

Page 5 - "Blasted arterial" - ?  Huh?  WTF?

Wait...Queen drops the apples into molten silver?  And she expects them to look or be edible?  That's quite funny!

"We cannot see..." - OK, thanks for telling me that.  I wasn't sure if I could see that or not.

Page 6 - "Prince Harry rides his horse, behind his saddle, the bundled
up corpse." - That's about as awkward as a line can get.

"Skeletons and bones of people past." - Huh?  Past what?  These skeletons and bones are just lying everywhere in the forest?

"...falling on his ass." -     Oh man...that's funny...is it supposed to be?

"He crawls back over, shakes Snow with no luck. Stands. Paces.
Then mounts the horse and gallops off." - How many thoughts or shots is this passage?  You really expect this to be 1 continuous shot?  Bottom line - this passage is not broken up remotely correctly.

The 7 dwarves are here.  Hooray!

Page 7 - "King Henry puts the grapes down, pushes Anastasia away as he
strides to the door opening it." - Another poorly written line.  He's in bed eating grapes, then he's striding to the door.  Also, you need a comma between "door" and "opening".

Oh man...the dialogue is just terrible.

"Gallops at full speed, the King rides." - Just so awkwardly written...

Page 8 - " tomb. He weeps babbling apologies." - Didn't he do this same thing earlier?  It's so awkwardly phrased again.

Missing so much punctuation  throughout.

"Her eyes open black as she drinks from her father, the man who never knew she existed and has now given her life." - Really?  Talk about an overly melodramatic line and talk about awkward...and talk about unintentionally funny.  I'm sorry, but there's so much wrong here, I almost wonder if it's mean to be taken seriously or not.

His body decreases in size?  WTF?  How small does it get?

The end.  I can't take anymore notes.

Writing is not good.  Tone is all over the place and not good.  Story could be decent...even good, but as written, it almost seems like a pisser in many places.

Grades

Challenge parameters - B

Script/Story/Execution - D+



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EWall433
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 10:42am Report to Moderator
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The conversation on page 3 gets a bit awkward. First, you never describe Harry as being a prince, so when Snow says “a prince”, I thought she was just screwing around with Helena. But the conversation continues straight-faced. Next Helena talks of Snow being of the same blood, and Snow blurts out something about committing incest. What!?  Snow is now admitting to having sex with Henry and Helena doesn't seem to be at all fazed by that.

Imagine a father coming home to see his daughter hanging out with her boyfriend alone in the house, and just as he's about to lecture her on having boys over with no parents home, she blurts out, “I swear it's not his baby!” Wait, WHAT!? I'm pretty sure the conversation wouldn't continue to be about house rules.

Helena also goes from speaking generally about boys to speaking specifically about Henry being her half-brother. And considering how unfazed Helena is by the revelation that Snow is sleeping with him, I have to assume Helena has known about this incestuous relationship for some time and is just happening to bring it up now. Maybe she's a busy woman, but I think you'd want to get on that posthaste.

Oh, and you forgot to mention if Henry actually ran away, so I'm not sure if he's gone or if he's still standing there and everyone is talking about him like he's not in the room.

“Unseen to her is a dark crimson stain where her mother’s blood laid rest.”

No one’s done the laundry in 17 years? The first scene was pretty good, but the story’s starting to lose me.

“I am your mother’s twin sister.”

Why would that matter? How does Snow know who her mother is, or what she looks like? Half-brother means only one of the parents are hers, why would Snow assume she knew which one was? Surely if the Queen got knocked up by some random dude that would not make Snow royalty. Then again no one actually told her she's royalty.

At the end Snow turns into a vampire. Wasn't she always? I guess so, but why is she slaughtering people now when she wasn't before? Did drinking the blood have some special unlocking power? We're left with the impression she's going to eat Henry, but she's had plenty of chances to do that already.

Also, if she's really a vampire, how do we meet her at “EXT. COW BARN - DAY”?

This one is promising, but it read too much like something made up on the fly. Far too much time spent talking about incest than about things that would help the ending make sense. The writing is pretty good, but the story logic needs help.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 10:43am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Warren
Personally didn’t mind this one, but yes I agree there is no real horror in sight.

Dialogue is occasionally OTN and some of the sentences are written awkwardly.

Its a consider from me.


Warren, just wondering - you say there's no horror, poor dialogue, and awkward writing, yet you give it a consider?  Am I missing something?

Also, why do you say there's no horror?  There's a ton of horror here!  Vampires sucking blood, peeps brutally killing other peeps...lots of gore.


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Cam Gray
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 11:59am Report to Moderator
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Well here's the Snow White effort, and you know what writer...I kinda liked it.

I understand there's limited pages, but you manage to rattle through a load of characters, and yet it somehow didn't feel too messy or bloated. It's not my favourite script, but I think it's a good take on the challenge, could have done with more focus on the dwarfs however.

Anyway, I'll give it a consider


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KevinX
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Quoted from Dreamscale


Warren, just wondering - you say there's no horror, poor dialogue, and awkward writing, yet you give it a consider?  Am I missing something?

Also, why do you say there's no horror?  There's a ton of horror here!  Vampires sucking blood, peeps brutally killing other peeps...lots of gore.


I believe pointing some of the weaknesses doesn't mean he can't consider it.
Also, I'm sure by saying 'real horror' he means the feeling of fear, not just horror elements


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KevinX
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hello! Hello!

It's a nice premise you got here. I could see your creativity shines while I was reading this. Changing Snow White into a vampire story is a cool idea and I could see you handled it quite well.

As to say, the dialogue can be less on the nose. Try to let your characters communicate through subtext. With your story, it should be really interesting. Also, I couldn't really feel the moment of terror/horror from your script, but I don't think it's a really big problem.

Overall, I quite like your work and it'll be a consider from me.

PS: like your incest element tho


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Warren
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Also, why do you say there's no horror?  There's a ton of horror here!  Vampires sucking blood, peeps brutally killing other peeps...lots of gore.


Horror

noun
1.an intense feeling of fear, shock, or disgust.

At no point did I feel any of those, gore does not make horror, I've said it before and I’ll say it again. Yes it is an element of horror but it still needs something more. What disgusts or shocks me might be very different to what affects you. Horror is subjective like everything else.

Second person to pull me up on thinking there is not enough horror in a script.
Remember these are my personal thoughts, you don’t have to agree.

I still enjoyed it despite the lack of horror and OTN dialogue, that’s why it gets a consider.


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Nolan
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 4:40pm Report to Moderator
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I found this enjoyable.  There were a few mistakes here and there, but nothing that you wouldn't notice when going over it.  

I don't think I can give anymore advice than what has already been written.  

Personally, I think there are different levels of horror.  If vampires scared the shit out of me (like they did when I was a kid), I would consider this a very good horror.  But, since they don't really scare me anymore, except maybe the vampires from Twilight, from that definition it wasn't really a horror... for me anyway.

Like I said though, I did enjoy it.

Well done.

Nolan
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