Pinocchio: A Nose for Flesh by Caleb

Desperate to become a real boy, Pinocchio must first learn to curb one particularly unsavory eating habit.

Short Gothic Horror based on The Adventures of Pinoccio

Yup, liked this one.  Easy to read, written well.  The story was good.  It had me hooked throughout.  

Whoever wrote this did a great job.  

My favourite so far.

Nolan

Definitely the best so far. And I think I might call it early and say that this might win it.

Good tension and horror elements. The writting flows well and it's a very good twist on the classic tale. Not sure what anyone could really find wrong with this one.

Is a resounding recommend from me.

Great job.

First one I've read. Nice job. Well written and so reads pretty good. Potential creepy visuals with some dread thrown in. Thin plot imo but there's only so much you can get into a 6-10 page script.

I'll give it an A

Great twist on the original story, creepy and very well written. This tale of creating a Boy from earthly form to satisfy a yearning for his lost wife, unfortunately, showed a disconnect from Geppetto's reasoning,IMO.

Perhaps if there was an indication of he and his (lost) wife always wanting a boy but she died too early to bear him another child... that would make his actions better understood. As it stands, his quest and longing should have forced him to initially (re)create his wife from earthly elements and, by the divine grace of God, would the forces beyond return his beloved wife unto him. Then, in a supernatural indulgence, they create a boy of flesh and wood together... a wretched Homunculus, similar to the beings that the Grandfather's of Alchemy would conceive.

IMO, The sudden apathy that Geppetto had toward Pinocchio shows that nothing could fill the void left behind from his wife's death. For some, it's like losing their reflection, or shadow. The need to satiate that void with a wooden boy, lest a wooden boy be the final solution to his emptiness, was a lost cause in the first place.

Geppetto is a true Alchemist by the definition of the term. Tim Burton's '9' played on this theme wonderfully, however, the creator (Father) died giving birth to his creation. Your tale is rife with allegorical interpretations of this fantastic art lost to circumstance. The initial quest intended to understand the forces of nature, to govern them, and will them in and out of existence without giving your own life force in return, is the ultimate goal of Alchemy... Geppetto failed in this task but, I think that's what you intended to show us.

Magical tale of woe, I really like this one...

That was fun.

I have a few nitpicks here and there but ultimately this was well written throughout.

If I had to choose something to change, it would be the line, "...since mother died."  It's unnecessary.  Cut it.

Well done.

Jordan

Wow - that was fucked up, really fucked up but in a truly remarkable and good way!

If you think about it, the idea of a boy made of wood coming to life and living with a family is pretty disturbing to begin with. Disney made it look wonderful, you made it really creepy and wrong. Then you took it to the next level and made it even darker and far more disturbing.

I must admit when it was revealed that Pinocchio was eating people, this did drag me out of the story briefly. I was like, 'How does something made or wood eat anything?' but then I just shrugged and thought' 'coz magic, that's why' and dived back in. However ,it did take me out of the story for a moment, so I'd just consider if the story needs this or if it needs exploring more.

The ending is just superb. I think this would need a decent budget to do the story justice but man, I'd love to see this one produced. I think it could start off it's own franchise!

Well written and a fantastic dark, horrific spin on the original.

Top marks, a rec from me.

-Mark

This was deffinitely great. You know what you're doing. I wish I knew what I was doing.

The characters - superb
The story - superb
The overall idea - superb
Dialog - my o my
The horrifying aspect - very much present

But listen I think you should rethink the ending. Don't horror movies finish on a positive note usually - maybe you could save the girl. Make him think he killed Elisa or something. This ending was abrupt and too gruesome.

I've seen something like before in a festival.

It's OK. It was very talky and all the killing came out of nowhere.

It's a typical Frankenstein story, however, in that story humans treated the monster very badly, thus explaining why he became bitter and angry against the world. It shone a light on the human condition.

Here there is no real justification. There's the girl's attitude towards him, but she's never really nasty, and the creators indifference, but neither were really developed.

Without some deeper, underlying investigation into the motivation, it doesn't really work, I'm sorry to say.
It's just violence, we learn nothing.

I think we also need to see more about the creator and his desire to create life in the absence of his wife.

The real story is why the creator made him, what was missing from his life that made him create this doll. Then that motivation needs to be twisted somehow so that it becomes the thing that drives the doll crazy.

For example: Let's say the creator is exceptionally lonely, so creates the doll. He then refuses to let the doll out of his sight, because he's scared of losing him, and it drives the doll mad.  

Very well written, though.

It's a crazily hard challenge, and you've told a coherent, if a somewhat old hat, story so you definitely deserve respect for that. It's very hard to make anything meaningful from these stories and I won't be surprised if no-one's really managed it.

Rick

Great, great job. About as fine as can be expected from an OWC.

The writing itself is perfectly done, and if any rule worshipers find significant flaw with it, it will be a sign of just how far from common sense some people have strayed.
'
The story has incredible potential for expansion, IMO. Very familiar tale, yet the images could be truly haunting. Man, I would love to write a version of this in prose if you want to hire me!

Of course, the story, constrained as it was by 10 pages, didn't quite work. But this writer CLEARLY has the talent to fix it once outside the OWC limitation.

What needs to be expanded on or adjusted is the reason Geppetto turned on the puppet. I mean there was no reason at all, other than a suggestion of madness(based on the dog reference by the daughter), but that of course is not sufficient at all. I mean one minute the puppet is his prized replacement for his son, the next the father turns on him for no reason.

But this is a perfect example of how an OWC is a perfect chance to play with various elements of a concept. This is a classic Frankenstein story. In an expanded version, we would see more of why the father turns, and why the puppet becomes so evil. But the writer wanted to save room for his big horror element, where the puppet kills and takes the skin. Which I do think could be good in film, so it was worth sacrificing in the quality of this short in order to float out that concept.

Excellent work!

This doesn't leave much of an emotional mark, the characters are all shallow and unsympathetic at this point...but that will certainly be fixed on the expanded version. I will be surprised if another script has this overall quality in this OWC, so outstanding! And if you need a prose version, my door is open!

EDIT: one more thought

Why the bit about the wife? He alreasy has the missing son, that's the point about the Pinnochio story isn't it? Or maybe they didn't have a son on your story, I forget...maybe he just wanted one, and now that the wife is dead he can't have one. Well, nothing wrong with that, but might be better to stay with the tradional son replacement angle.

I want to point out, this how pro writing looks. Not because it's some special style, but because it is simply the most effective style. You have to liberate yourself from rules in order to do this.

Some examples:

Elisa carries a basket of clothes towards the cottage. Stops
when she sees

A SWARM OF FLIES

Swirling around a patch of brush.

She steps closer. Reaches out a hand, pushes foliage aside --
Bruno�s HEADLESS BODY lies prone, stomach torn open as if
devoured, maggots squirming inside.

That's how it's done, fellas.

Another one:

Running through the deepest part of the forest.

Branches slashing at her face and hair.

The canopy above thick as smog.

Note the forbidden "ing" word. Much more effective than trying to make sense of Branches slash at her face.

This is an example of effective writing style. The images are clear, the action is felt.

I enjoy SUPERS telling us where and when we are.  A personal preference is not to have the SUPER until a scene is set/begins.

Elisa and Juliet seem much older than their ages and even seem to have some say over Geppetto, who appears to be their father.

But...writing is god out of the gate, and is the 3rd or so script in a row with solid writing, which is nice to see.

Lots of orphans popping up.

Page 4 - "Thin, tendriled clouds stretched across a grey dawn." - This is a nice line and very visual, but there's a problem - "stretched" - wrong verb tense - just use "stretch" - much better this way.

Some missing words here and there and some awkward phrasings now popping up.

Way too many wrylies being used.  They're rarely necessary, and you should use them very sparingly.

Page 8 - Great gore writing and effects.  Well done!

Page 9 - As I often say, I detest when writers leave out the subject of a line...probably in an attempt to make it appear like they're not starting the majority of their lines with the same subject over and over.  Here's a good example of why it's a mistake -

"Back against the trunk, drenched in sweat, an eerie silence settled over the forest around her." - At first read, this line sounds awkward and even confusing...and it is, actually, as the incorrect verb tense has been used again, but if we knew for sure this line was about Elisa (and I actually had to go up to the prior page to make sure, as her name is almost completely omitted in this entire scene).

Page 10 - Well, I know it's only a story, but no way would Elisa be "taking off" like this.  If she could walk at all, it would be very gingerly.

Wow...great ending!  Brutal!!

Well done over all and you definitely get a...

Great effort!

Grades

Challenge parameters - A

Script/Story/Execution - B+ (close to an A-, but too many writing mistakes)

Great story! Loved it. There are plenty of comments regarding writing/format so I won't even go there. So far it's #1 for me.

Perhaps I missed the reason for Gepetto's disdain on day two. Could it have been dementia? The closing scene will be a memorable one for me...thanks for that.

I'd love to see this one produced.

There's a couple of obvious recommends I've read thus far, but this I think is top of the pile.

I can't really be bothered with the grammatical/formatting issues that have been raised. It was a seamless read for myself, perfect pacing and no obvious typos, and while you could always go and iron everything out you may risk losing some of the magic on the page.

Exceptional work writer, my metaphorical cap has been dothed to thee.

Good title.

Yukky. Nasty stuff.

It's an easy read and a good execution from start to finish.

I'm not sure if the audience would like that whole "tearing kids apart" stuff. On the other side, Pinocchio is a "boy" too… so… regarding story, characters, structure, plotting, dialogue, emotions, and title the most complete script I read until now.  Horrible!!!