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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  Killer Weed - OWC
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  Author    Killer Weed - OWC  (currently 2052 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Killer Weed by Darryl Burpee

Jerome's about to make a trade with some dubious characters, but that's nothing compared to what's waiting for him at home.

Short Action Horror based on Jack and The Beanstalk


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Warren
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
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This feels more like Little Shop of Horrors than Jack and the Beanstalk. I think it's very, very losely based.

Not really my thing. Pot heads and gansta talk.

I feel that with no reason for the seed to grow this is a very thin story. Why that seed? Why that guy? It's all just coincidental.

The whole thing felt comical, for the most part, and had no real horror element to it.

This is a pass from me.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 8:04am Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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Killer weed

As we start alas I already dislike this lad, which alas will colour my view of the script

Using (then) within dialogue is going to get the blood boiling of some around here - it's not needed

'Soften my stool' - made me chuckle, and I'll guess no one else has used those words!

Funny, I wasn't really getting this but the three way fight with, a clever plant , actually was interestingly different.

As a script needs a lot of tightening but the idea of a friendly, savage plant actually has something to it.


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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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pale yellow
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 11:30am Report to Moderator
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OMG I love this. Love the characters and the dialogue.

LOVED your description of Qwik. BUT right after that you say his gold tooth shines in the light but later you say 'dude ain't got no teeth either'

let's  on page 8 should be lets.

Wow this one was fantastic! I think it's my new favorite!

Great dialogue...great characters...happy ending...awesome characters...structure was organic.

SUPER GREAT story!


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ChrisBodily
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 11:48pm Report to Moderator
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Title reminds me of "Reefer Madness." Then again, "Tainted Blood" (and its plot) reminds me of John Carpenter's The Thing.

"Living room" is two words.

Could you specify which game system? Xbox, PS1/2/3/4/VR, Nintendo Wii, or hell even: NES, Super NES, Sega Genesis, Sega Saturn/CD, Dreamcast, Atari 2600 or Jaguar, even Philips CD-i... or the host of others from over the years. You get the idea.

(into phone) should be a parenthetical, not an extension. Extensions are usually reserved for (O.S.) and (V.O.)

"Qwik" is somebody's name, right?

I'm pretty sure we can see what kind of sandwich Mama made. Just say, "I made your favorite."

Had to Google "geranium." The word is an orphan anyway.

No need to tell us twice that he's on the phone.

"Lata" (later, latuh, late-uh) doesn't translate on the page, unfortunately. "Later" would have sufficed.


Quoted from John Wayne
Just write it in English, and if I accept the role, I'll play it like John Wayne.


Heavy on Ebonics, aren't we? and (then) is not needed. (beat) would work better, or no parenthetical at all.

Mama already sounds like Monique in Precious.

"C-V-S," not "CVS." Your actors might want to pronounce it "Cuvs."

"I said..." no need to repeat. Just wasted space.

Page 3 and no horror yet. Reads more like a stoner comedy so far.

Give us an approximate age for Sugar. Is he an infant, 14, 30, 50, 88, 150 years old? You just wrote a character who could be played by Ben Affleck just as easily as Clint Eastwood or Justin Timberlake.


Quoted Text
SUGAR
This better be good.


I hope so, too, but so far...  

Again, "living room" is two words. Last time I'll mention this.

"Mama's sat seated"

"Our eyes?" "We" shouldn't be a part of this story.

Code

MAMA
That's right, girl. You tell him the
shizant ain't in the hizant cuz there
ain't no parkin' on the--



...What??    


Quoted Text
Against the back wall -- the shadow of the PLANT, lit green by
the lava lamp, continues to grow like a wrestler on steroids
and Wheaties.


I'll give you points for this! Hilarious!

So far, we've got one thing resembling horror. But it could just as easily be a comedy or drama. More like the former.

"Fire bad?" Is Sugar Frankenstein? And Quik is The Bride?

Had to Google "hundo."

P5 and so far no resemblance to the Jack and the Beanstalk story, barely any horror.

To "teeth" or not to "teeth"? That is the question.

"Jerome is gasping gasps for air."

Active voice.

Had to Google Oxys and Percs. Not much luck oin the former, but the latter is a street name for Percocet. The only Oxy I've heard of are Oxy acne face scrub and Billy Mays OxyClean.


Quoted Text
Jerome smoothly tripping trips along, smoking a fattie.


Passive voice again.

It was just a diabetic coma? I thought the weed was killing her? It's in the title after all. No horror. No Jack and the Beanstalk. Fails the challenge.

"He get's up."

"WHAT THE FUCK!" should not be capitalized, no matter how loud the character says it.

Plant has a name? Robert Plant?

Funny intro. "He's no Vegan." Ha ha. "Feed me, Seymour!"

Finally, some real horror!


Quoted Text
SUGAR
The fuck you got growin' here, Jerome?


That's what I'd like to know. I'd also like to know why I'm still reading it.

Is Sugar Gambol from The Dark Knight? Similar dialogue.


Quoted Text
Even PLANT seems at a loss.


He's not alone.

I'm skimming now. Not a good impression.

Well, the good news is that I read the whole thing and survived.

Challenge/Parameters: D-
Formatting: B-/C+
Story: C-

Pass... and I don't mean the dutchie from the left-hand side.


FADE IN:
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khamanna
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 5:08am Report to Moderator
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I really liked the beginning of it and thought it was about a mother and her boy and the feud between them or something. There were a lot of comedic elements at the beginning dialog. And the diabetic coma that might have killed the mother - that's a funny touch.

I didn't like the new two characters. And one has a name I can't pronounce - Qwik. Some kind of drug addicts - and I"m thinking it's going the beaten-up route.

I loved to see the mother in a diabetic coma. But you introduced the Plant shortly after and I thought it's kind of random. The plant was not foreshadowed anywhere in the script. It was not about the plant at all when it suddenly is. Even your last shot is about a plant.

So for me it's not a well-rounded story.
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StevenClark
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 12:14pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Pretty good job here. A much different take on Jack and The Beanstalk. The urban slang used comes off comedic, and I think that was your intention. Though the line with the "shizant" might have been overkill. Still, decent premise, pretty good action and a happy/sad ending.

Nice work for the time allowed.

Steve


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c m hall
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

Excellent script, beautifully written and precisely worded so descriptions add to the drama rather than slow it with padding.

The story is a fine extension of Jack And The Beanstalk; the stray magic seed and what seems like a foolhardy trade proven to be heaven sent.

The Mama character is very skillfully portrayed; when she collapses, all hope is gone and the atmosphere in the story turns from dread to doom (she's that much of a dynamic force).

The fight scene will play well on screen, the demise of the bad guys is entertaining and
welcome when delivered.  

Jerome, at 22, seems like a lost cause until, against all odds, he recognizes his own failings and tries to help his mother.  He is a true hero, as is the Plant, in its own way.

note: seems like the opening slug should be INT. instead of EXT. and there's an "it's" in place of "its", regarding the plant, in the last few lines.  
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
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Opening Slug incorrect, as "LIVING ROOM" is two words.

On Page 3 and not sure what the heck I'm reading, as it's all gangsta rap, with no story and definitely no horror elements whatsoever.

Page 3 - "Mama's sat..." - Really?  Oh man...one of my biggest pet peeves.

Verb use is off repeatedly.  Lines read like your dialogue, which ain't a good thang, bra.

Shit...that's enough for me.  No Jack and the beanstalk that I can see and not a very engaging read with no likable characters.

Not for me.

Grades

Challenge parameters - D-

Script/Story/Execution - D


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

Revision History (1 edits)
Dreamscale  -  October 18th, 2016, 6:28pm
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 5:49pm Report to Moderator
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Kinda liked this, wasn't particularly scary but it flowed well and was a nice easy read.

I might be biased as a big Little SHop fan... but this seems less Jack and more Audrey.

Good effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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irish eyes
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 7:48pm Report to Moderator
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Killer Weed... I've had a few of that in my Amsterdam days lol

1st slug EXT. Living Room... Should be INT.

Obviously more leaning towards Little Shop of Horrors than Jack and the  Beanstalk and I say that lightly... besides the seed(bean)  It's hard to call a twist on a fairy tale when it resembles hardly anything... sorry might not have hurt to change Jerome to Jack.

The characters are well defined and I was starting to wonder where the horror was coming from.
The plant sat in the background for way too long but at least it provided horrific moments which is still better than a majority of scripts I read.

The writing was clean

The script was pretty good.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 10:11am Report to Moderator
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I found this very comical. Was that the intention? Not sure but as others have mentioned this is more 'Little Shop of Horrors' than Jack and the Beanstalk.

Overwritten to the extreme. So much detail in not only the characters descriptions but telling the actors how to act, how to move etc. Some producers would be put off as you've left nothing for other members of the cast & crew to add and written an expensive script.

However it did make me laugh, I'll give you that!

But, as there was no horror element (for me anyway) and it didn't reflect the Jack and the Beanstalk story enough, it's a pass.

-Mark


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Cam Gray
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 11:58am Report to Moderator
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Another left field script, i liked it.

As per above comments, it felt like Little Shop of Horrors, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I liked the comedy elements, the Plant was my favourite character, and considering it didn't get out of its pot, it had a fair old character arc from the villain of the piece to being a potential hero. In fact it was kinda like Sean Bean in LOTR...but a plant.

I'll give it a consider


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KevinX
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 1:55pm Report to Moderator
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Hello! Hello!

I like your ideas and you are able to make me like the characters in only 9 pages which is quite impressive. There were some typos but they didn't really ruin the reading experience. My complaint toward the script is there was lack of justifications on why things happening. Most of them feel like random/coincidental.

As to say, I see your script is very-very loosely based on the fairytale it says it's based on. Will be more interesting if you put more reference and/or homage to it.

Nevertheless, this is quite well done and I like the comical tone of your script.

Best,
Kevin


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leitskev
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
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Feed me, Seymour! Feeeeeeed meeeee!

There's some good stuff here. And it's delivered with some good writing. Like all of these things, the writing needs some polishing, but the writer is definitely talented.

The story suffers from lack of focus, though there are plenty of cool elements. We don't really have any reason to care what happens to any of the characters, there is not much driving the story, no compelling goals or mystery. But it's an easy read. The Jack and the Beanstalk inspired magic grass seed is a nice take, though this seems more like an angry plant than a beanstalk leading to a land of giants. Hard to believe a drug dealer would kill over a few bucks.

It was a good effort for an OWC, however. It's hard to sometimes pull all these concepts together in the first draft. I'm glad you wrote it and glad I picked it up to read.
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