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The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Title reminds me of "Reefer Madness." Then again, "Tainted Blood" (and its plot) reminds me of John Carpenter's The Thing.
"Living room" is two words.
Could you specify which game system? Xbox, PS1/2/3/4/VR, Nintendo Wii, or hell even: NES, Super NES, Sega Genesis, Sega Saturn/CD, Dreamcast, Atari 2600 or Jaguar, even Philips CD-i... or the host of others from over the years. You get the idea.
(into phone) should be a parenthetical, not an extension. Extensions are usually reserved for (O.S.) and (V.O.)
"Qwik" is somebody's name, right?
I'm pretty sure we can see what kind of sandwich Mama made. Just say, "I made your favorite."
Had to Google "geranium." The word is an orphan anyway.
No need to tell us twice that he's on the phone.
"Lata" (later, latuh, late-uh) doesn't translate on the page, unfortunately. "Later" would have sufficed.
Quoted from John Wayne
Just write it in English, and if I accept the role, I'll play it like John Wayne.
Heavy on Ebonics, aren't we? and (then) is not needed. (beat) would work better, or no parenthetical at all.
Mama already sounds like Monique in Precious.
"C-V-S," not "CVS." Your actors might want to pronounce it "Cuvs."
"I said..." no need to repeat. Just wasted space.
Page 3 and no horror yet. Reads more like a stoner comedy so far.
Give us an approximate age for Sugar. Is he an infant, 14, 30, 50, 88, 150 years old? You just wrote a character who could be played by Ben Affleck just as easily as Clint Eastwood or Justin Timberlake.
SUGAR This better be good.
I hope so, too, but so far...
Again, "living room" is two words. Last time I'll mention this.
"Mama's sat seated"
"Our eyes?" "We" shouldn't be a part of this story.
That's right, girl. You tell him the
shizant ain't in the hizant cuz there
ain't no parkin' on the--
Against the back wall -- the shadow of the PLANT, lit green by the lava lamp, continues to grow like a wrestler on steroids and Wheaties.
I'll give you points for this! Hilarious!
So far, we've got one thing resembling horror. But it could just as easily be a comedy or drama. More like the former.
"Fire bad?" Is Sugar Frankenstein? And Quik is The Bride?
Had to Google "hundo."
P5 and so far no resemblance to the Jack and the Beanstalk story, barely any horror.
To "teeth" or not to "teeth"? That is the question.
"Jerome is gasping gasps for air."
Had to Google Oxys and Percs. Not much luck oin the former, but the latter is a street name for Percocet. The only Oxy I've heard of are Oxy acne face scrub and Billy Mays OxyClean.
Jerome smoothly tripping trips along, smoking a fattie.
Passive voice again.
It was just a diabetic coma? I thought the weed was killing her? It's in the title after all. No horror. No Jack and the Beanstalk. Fails the challenge.
"He get's up."
"WHAT THE FUCK!" should not be capitalized, no matter how loud the character says it.
Plant has a name? Robert Plant?
Funny intro. "He's no Vegan." Ha ha. "Feed me, Seymour!"
Finally, some real horror!
SUGAR The fuck you got growin' here, Jerome?
That's what I'd like to know. I'd also like to know why I'm still reading it.
Is Sugar Gambol from The Dark Knight? Similar dialogue.
Even PLANT seems at a loss.
He's not alone.
I'm skimming now. Not a good impression.
Well, the good news is that I read the whole thing and survived.
I really liked the beginning of it and thought it was about a mother and her boy and the feud between them or something. There were a lot of comedic elements at the beginning dialog. And the diabetic coma that might have killed the mother - that's a funny touch.
I didn't like the new two characters. And one has a name I can't pronounce - Qwik. Some kind of drug addicts - and I"m thinking it's going the beaten-up route.
I loved to see the mother in a diabetic coma. But you introduced the Plant shortly after and I thought it's kind of random. The plant was not foreshadowed anywhere in the script. It was not about the plant at all when it suddenly is. Even your last shot is about a plant.
Pretty good job here. A much different take on Jack and The Beanstalk. The urban slang used comes off comedic, and I think that was your intention. Though the line with the "shizant" might have been overkill. Still, decent premise, pretty good action and a happy/sad ending.
Killer Weed... I've had a few of that in my Amsterdam days lol
1st slug EXT. Living Room... Should be INT.
Obviously more leaning towards Little Shop of Horrors than Jack and the Beanstalk and I say that lightly... besides the seed(bean) It's hard to call a twist on a fairy tale when it resembles hardly anything... sorry might not have hurt to change Jerome to Jack.
The characters are well defined and I was starting to wonder where the horror was coming from. The plant sat in the background for way too long but at least it provided horrific moments which is still better than a majority of scripts I read.
I found this very comical. Was that the intention? Not sure but as others have mentioned this is more 'Little Shop of Horrors' than Jack and the Beanstalk.
Overwritten to the extreme. So much detail in not only the characters descriptions but telling the actors how to act, how to move etc. Some producers would be put off as you've left nothing for other members of the cast & crew to add and written an expensive script.
However it did make me laugh, I'll give you that!
But, as there was no horror element (for me anyway) and it didn't reflect the Jack and the Beanstalk story enough, it's a pass.
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As per above comments, it felt like Little Shop of Horrors, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I liked the comedy elements, the Plant was my favourite character, and considering it didn't get out of its pot, it had a fair old character arc from the villain of the piece to being a potential hero. In fact it was kinda like Sean Bean in LOTR...but a plant.
I like your ideas and you are able to make me like the characters in only 9 pages which is quite impressive. There were some typos but they didn't really ruin the reading experience. My complaint toward the script is there was lack of justifications on why things happening. Most of them feel like random/coincidental.
As to say, I see your script is very-very loosely based on the fairytale it says it's based on. Will be more interesting if you put more reference and/or homage to it.
Nevertheless, this is quite well done and I like the comical tone of your script.
There's some good stuff here. And it's delivered with some good writing. Like all of these things, the writing needs some polishing, but the writer is definitely talented.
The story suffers from lack of focus, though there are plenty of cool elements. We don't really have any reason to care what happens to any of the characters, there is not much driving the story, no compelling goals or mystery. But it's an easy read. The Jack and the Beanstalk inspired magic grass seed is a nice take, though this seems more like an angry plant than a beanstalk leading to a land of giants. Hard to believe a drug dealer would kill over a few bucks.
It was a good effort for an OWC, however. It's hard to sometimes pull all these concepts together in the first draft. I'm glad you wrote it and glad I picked it up to read.