Gramps and Toby by Ron Pergola - Short, Family - A nine year old receives a "Norman Rockwell" lesson in angling from his grand dad. 6 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Ron,

I don't know if you're actually around yet so for now I'll just comment on the story and leave out the formatting. This is not bad at all for a new writer. Oh sure, some of your writing can be tightened up here and there, but overall pretty good. I saw everything you wanted me to see, and it was detailed. I felt a sudden anxiety when Toby hooked the bass. It ended with a sweet "aw shucks" moment, which actually was a delicate twist to finish this story off.

Most writers who post here do so because they'd like to see their work produced. A story like this could be produced, although some may deem it too safe, not enough action, twist needed to be better, etc. And while all those things may be true, the thing I think that's against this from being produced are the animal scenes, as they could come from stock footage, but alone would be too difficult to get on film.

Don't know if this is your first short script, but if it is, it's not a bad start at all.

Steve

Ron

Enjoyed your piece on Gramps and Toby.  I'm 67 so I can sure relate with Gramps. The dialog was spot on between the generations but all you accomplished was me wanting more.  Very well articulated too!

Bob

Come take a look at River Runners if you have some time.

Ron,

Some notes.

Setups and payoffs.  I think this one needs more setups.  If Toby is going to tell gramps that fishing 'sucks', then show fishing sucking.  What might show that?  A hook in a finger?  A sunburn?  A fin in a palm?  A tangled line?  A fall overboard?  In other words, Toby needs a reason to hate fishing.

And he needs some feedback on all the beauty that he doesn't see.  An eagle is a stupid bird.  Muskrats are ugly.  A snapping turtle doesn't snap at anything.  

And then, the real payoff.  I think you might extend this a bit more.  Let Toby fight for a while.  Let him work the fish and sweat and pant and of course, lose the fish, perhaps learning that the fight is the fun, not the catching.  

Overall, not a bad work.  But I think you can make it better.  
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Best
Richard

Ron, I enjoyed your script....however, I would like to add a couple of points: 1. You have a very strong skeleton but you need more meat around it. 2. Maybe, more generational dialogue  between Gramps and Toby...more questions from Toby etc. Work on this and you'll have a great script ready for production.
My best,
Fausto