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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  By The Knockers
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Don
Posted: January 22nd, 2017, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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By The Knockers by Rhys Hicks - Short, Comedy - A conversation with an elderly lady causes Eric, an uptight young man, to shake his inhibitions and take more risks. 13 pages - pdf, format

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Kirsten
Posted: January 25th, 2017, 7:32am Report to Moderator
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Hi Rhys

Cute little story. Funny all the way through, great writing and dialogue. Couple of writing errors that you will see on a re-read. I enjoyed this, nothing tripped me up, confused me, and I like the jokes. Nice believe able ending.

Good work, look forward to reading more from you.... hope it gets filmed....


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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RichardR
Posted: January 26th, 2017, 10:54am Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

This one is a nice little tale, but for me, there is too much coincidence.  Our hero happens to meet the one woman who can motivate him to break out of his shell.  the hitchhiker happens to be the one woman he wants and has assaulted.  the manager happens to be a coke-head who leaves himself open to blackmail.  Yes, life is full of coincidences, but generally not for the protag.  Coincidence works against him, or if it seems fortuitous, it leads to further complications.  A bit more hit and miss might work here.

Best
Richard
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Cam Gray
Posted: February 7th, 2017, 5:17pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Rhys,

Now that had a couple of laugh out loud moments, in particular the Crazy Jane lines, proper gold right there.

Couple of tiny things I spotted. Eric should be in caps on the first page, and you need a comma after "Well" when it opens the lines on pages 5 and 6. Also is this based in Australia? Maybe get that clarified in the opening scene, and if it is then lose the American English spellings.

Funny, exceptionally crude but still funny, good work mate,

Cam


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...
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Flossy Freeman
Posted: March 22nd, 2018, 2:49pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed it.  I was attracted to the read by the title - we've got a relative in our family tree named "Knocker".  With that said, for the last scene, consider the two driving off into the sunset with the car headlights flashing as he throws his "cat" out the window - she smiles;)!
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