Re(t)con by Moustache de Plume - Short, Thriller - A hooded teenager learns that, sometimes, being in the wrong place at the wrong time proves beneficial. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

The failure to give the characters names in the opening makes everyone seem like a stereotype and it's hard to care what's going on. Thug, hoodie, clerk.

They're is the word for They are, not their.

There was a lot of good stuff in this. The beginning of an epic story, and a revolution of children led by a mysterious figure in a Hood. I think I'd have liked to have understand the reason why there needs to be this coming war between the young and old. More of a tone of how this world is not working in some way. Maybe a tough ask, though.

Pretty good. Best I've read so far.

Quoted Text No customers in the store just the CLERK, who intently watches a nightly special. He doesn't even notice Hoodie when he walks in and beelines straight for the burritos.

I would at least give the age of the clerk - I imagined younger as I read on and realized he was a father. Also - Nightly Special doesn't really add much. I would just go with a talking head on TV.

Quoted Text REPORTER Their dangerous, their powerful, and they are not on our side. 'The Universes Lil Bastards'

You just introduced Michael Brim – shouldn’t that be the character name rather than reporter. Also, should be They’re.

Quoted Text Two of the Thugs come into the store. He notices them immediately. He smiles while and reaches for his gun box under the register

He smiles while….is there something missing after that?

I would give the character names – it became difficult to follow the action in some places.

An interesting premise. Well written for the most part - Another pass at this could make it solid.

Wow...very problematic.

No named characters.  Characters that actually have names don't get named.

Action is all over the place, and as written makes very little sense.

Lots and lots of mistakes of all kinds all over the place.  Glaring misspellings, extremely awkward phrasing, poor sentence structure.

Very little story here that I can get and the read itself was so difficult.

No clue what the title means or has to do with the script.

Doesn't work at all for me, sorry to say.

I really enjoy stories like this, but I think this one fell just a little short for me.  I want to know more about Hoodie and what he's all about.  With more into this, I could see myself really enjoying it.

Nolan  

This was a kind of gender less story. Except for Kai is obviously a boy. The rest you haven't named except for the dr. I can understand why you didn't name the thugs though.
You could have one thug by the way - don't see the reason behind having two.
The Clerk says "my son" when talking to his son - that sound strange.
Some of the description doesn't work for me - like when Kai disappears. He said something, then there's an action line about him gone.
Also, at the very beginning when you said horse play - I always have trouble visualizing what exactly they might be doing. I think you could get rid of that scene altogether by the way.
And I think you could start with your main character perhaps, have us learn a little about him and then go on with your story.
I liked the story though, you wrapped it up well I think but the descriptions aren't very clear.  Maybe with a rewrite it could be very good.

Hmm I almost gave up on this as it wasn't doing much. But when the action began it was ok.

Very good concept but not quite fulfilled. I think the author (Libby?) ran out of time near the end as some of the grammar goes arseup. This is a bit of a prob with the guy talking on the telly as his words are kind of skimmable - they need to be more...interesting.

one line really stood out for me too - when the microwave beeps. That was cool for some reason. It meant that the writer hadn't forgotten about it and acted too as a kind of timer for the pace of the script.

Haha, Caught myself disqualifying this right away for having males in the opening scene. Forgot that women were in the contest as well.

No need to say let's call Hoodie, Hoodie. Just call him Hoodie.

Who this asshole?

You could call Thug 1 and 2 those names but I found it'd better to at least give them a name that helps describe them at least like you did with Hoodie. Call one SKINNY or FRECKLES or BEANIE. Something simple like that gives them a little more personality and helps the reader tell the difference between them as they read.

They're dangerous. They're powerful

The TV show is too on the nose with dialogue.

This seems like the intro to a movie or a TV show, not enough meat in the story Plus it could ended a few pages early once Hoodie healed the boy and took off. 7 pages is quite short but for a story like this seems too long. I think a tighter plot would make it flow better and then give you room to expand on the story in some way. Lots of typos as well.

“They’re dangerous, they’re powerful…”

there's a cool story in here somewhere... i think, but something didn't work for me.  I think it was the TV analysis that basically gave us the backdrop of what happened.  I can't think of a better way to go about it, so this note isn't really helpful.

Definitely think Hoodie should have had a name, something other than being a figure in a hoody.  Would have liked the necklace featured more earlier as well.

Solid attempt.  I don't have much more to say.  I think this has the makings of a cool story, I'm just not sure it is.

I also don't understand the title.

What a great father "Jesus, Kid, I forgot you were there."

The TV show dialog is quite extensive. Does the camera zoom into the screen and put you in the studio? Or are we watching the show over the clerks shoulder? Just wondering how that would be filmed.

An explanation or hint of this hoodie guy would be nice. Otherwise I just don't care.

Sorry, just didn't work for me.

I'm more or less in agreement with the comments thus far. There's a cool idea here, and a not so bad story to go along with it. But not giving the character’s names deadened the impact of it. Some of the action seemed a little rushed through. And I don't think the reporters were necessary either. I'd read it through without them. You might be surprised how much the gist of the tale holds up.

You could maybe intro the kid a little earlier too, and give the impression that he's not completely normal. And I’d have the moment play between Hoodie and the Kid instead of Thug and the Kid to foreshadow their connection. Thug doesn't need a moment involving the kid’s drawing as much as Hoodie does, I think.

Hey writer,

Some obvious typos with the "their" vs "they're" lines, that got my goat early. But you know what? It was alright in the end.

Starts slow and mysterious, enters a speedy bit and then decelerates towards the end, nice simple pacing. I think the writing overall could be tidied up a fair bit, but there's an idea here which kinda worked for me so it was definitely worth the read.

One last observation, not sure that this is really a thriller but more sci-fi with the way it panned out in the end.

Decent effort

Cam

ret·con
ˈretkän/
noun
1.
(in a film, television series, or other fictional work) a piece of new information that imposes a different interpretation on previously described events, typically used to facilitate a dramatic plot shift or account for an inconsistency.
"we're given a retcon for Wilf's absence from Donna's wedding in ‘The Runaway Bride’: he had Spanish Flu"
verb
1.
revise (an aspect of a fictional work) retrospectively, typically by introducing a piece of new information that imposes a different interpretation on previously described events.
"I think fans get more upset when characters act blatantly out of established type, or when things get retconned"


Not saying this is mine, not saying this isn't mine. Just saying Goggle is your friend sometimes.

Solid title
logline says nothing

This reads completely unfocused, no clear storyline, no structure, countless characters jump in from all sides.

For me, you fail to order your thoughts and express something with precision here. The connection how the reader perceives what you do, and their identification with story, should be the most important aspect of the delivery.  Whatever, I made this mistake myself in earlier times…

I like the idea although it was awkward to read.  With generic words like thug or hoodie, you could guess the characters might be a male or female, but as the boy was in the script, I'll assume the boy wasn't a mistake and that all characters are male.

I think with a rewrite, shorten some of the long dialogue, this could make for a good script.

All the best,

Javier