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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Dexting Triving and Drnking
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  Author    Dexting Triving and Drnking  (currently 577 views)
Don
Posted: March 6th, 2017, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Dexting Triving and Drnking by Ronald Pergola - Short, Drama - A snow storm is more than a problem for a back country driver. 2 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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RichardR
Posted: March 10th, 2017, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

This one is not poorly written, but the story leaves me a bit confused.  I want to think the girl is a robot who's there to warn motorists with her laser eyes.  But that doesn't work for me.  If she can do it in the cabin and project her message into his head, why can't she do that out in the snow?  If she can blind him, can't she pass info?  And why the cabin?  If she's robotic and a sentry, shouldn't she just be there?  

It's me, I know.  In any case, I like the writing and the dialogue.  

Best
Richard
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JakeJon
Posted: March 17th, 2017, 10:41am Report to Moderator
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R,
Thanks for the read.    This was a "teaser" for the  feature I'm writing.  Currently, slogging through the tedious second act.  I'm certain you know what I mean.

Your questions are  "right on" and actually encouraging, I hope.

I'll respond weakly with," Superman has a problem seeing through lead" and Kryptonite's a bitch.

Thx again.

JJ

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JakeJon  -  March 17th, 2017, 2:49pm
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eldave1
Posted: March 17th, 2017, 7:22pm Report to Moderator
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Intriguing.

Love the title.

Like Richard - I was confused - I now see this is the tease for a feature - makes more sense.

Good luck - well written I thought


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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JakeJon
Posted: March 18th, 2017, 6:40am Report to Moderator
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eldave1,

Thanks for the read,   I will need the luck.

My  foray into romantic fantasy with a side of mystery.

Uh, oh.

Regards,

JJ
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