The Survivor - A Tale from the Nearscape by Mark Renshaw - Short, Sci Fi - A teenager embarks on a perilous trek for supplies in a dangerous world where society has collapsed and the air is toxic. With only his toy robot as a companion, he faces lost souls, crazed zealots, and corrupt law enforcement officers. But the real danger is waiting for him at home.  - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

++++++++
Mark writes,

I've been at it again, producing one of my own scripts. This one is my first attempt at a sci-fi and the script did originally begin life on Simply Scripts where I got some great feedback to help me refine the script before the shoot.

It's officially online today at https://vimeo.com/225025742 and I'm pleased to announce that it has already won Best Sci-Fi at the Top Shorts and Festigious Film Festivals.

The Survivor from Saga Flight on Vimeo.

Where's the love, people? This is Mark Renshaw. The Mark Renshaw.

It's a really cool world you've built here and you've set up a lot of potentially intriguing/exciting elements.

But the big issue for me is the relationship between Billy and the robot. They don't really interact. I'm okay with the boy doing an exasperated sigh at the robot's antics on pg 1-2. They've been together for awhile so it'd be natural for them to have a sort of quiet camaraderie.

But they should occasionally speak to one another. Even robots that can't form words like R2D2 still interacted with Luke. Same with that rollie pollie guy in The Force Awakens. She'd say something and he'd do a sarcastic bleep-bloop or whatever. There'd be some exasperation, some arguing, then some lighter moments. It gives them a bond and the viewer bonds right along with them.

Pg. 3-5 is crucial for that. Right now, it's just Billy walking in silence and the robot making sarcastic asides. I think you gotta find some way to let their personalities play off each other. Maybe Billy is more hopeful and keeps telling the robot to look on the bright side. Little things like that will build up overtime into a real bond.

The stuff that happens between them early on makes all the difference when page 10 hits and Billy's forced to make a choice. You have to show they care about each other, so we care about them, so that moment is gut-wrenching for the audience.

Ha-ha! Thanks man. This is me, THE Mark Renshaw replying.

Just to point out (I did mention this when submitting) this film is in production. I'm producing it myself and it was shot in Milwaukee over three days recently. In fact, shooting finished yesterday (Sunday)!

I submitted the script to SS a couple of weeks ago in the hopes of getting some final feedback before shooting but this section has been disabled for a bit due to the horror feature challenge.

Here's a sneak peek from the shoot, this is the main actor Billy in his gas mask:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/vf4zpp79pjsgmky/Billy1.png?dl=0

As to your point about the interaction, or lack of, between Billy and the Robot - that's a valid observation. I hope it is one that doesn't affect the end result too much, The idea is that Billy is silent until he's overcome his abuse. Once his abuser is 'dealt with' he then speaks for the first time. This is quite a symbolic and (hopefully) powerful statement about abuse in general but I hope we haven't sacrificed character development in doing so. Time will tell!

Cheers for the notes.

-Mark

Nice pic of Billy.  

Since you already shot this, there's not a lot to say about the script.  It works, and it's topical.  Looks like the start of some bigger piece, so good luck.

Best
Richard

Hey, Mark.

I liked it, it's an interesting piece.

I really liked how Billy had to give away the robot. Him meeting with the police and Casey saving the day - I don't know, Casey kind of comes out of nowhere and saves him... It was interesting and satisfying to see but I was thinking Billy could do something to win her over at first.

I had a feeling like it's easy for Billy to kill his stepdad. He just put rat poison in his water. The other question would be why he did not do it earlier. Your call but what if you show that it's hard for him - his mother is religious and stuff. He's religious... There are bible quotes lying about - I don't know, just a stupid suggestion) (I'm saying - the harder the choice for Billy the better)

But overall it's a nice piece and you could expand on it perhaps. Turn it into a feature or something as there's obviously more to it. And it seems low budget, no?

Good luck to you with it!

Thanks for the comments guys. Filming is done and we are deep in the bowels of post production. I'm in the process of expanding the script out into a full TV episode length and writing a TV Bible, so all these notes are good as I am re-visiting everything.

Totally awesome job!!!

Very happy to see another writer taking things by the horn and making your own films! This one looked AWESOME! Can't believe you pulled it off on such a small budget.

Congratulations!  

Well done, Squire. Looked solid!

Nice work, very professional job. If you weren't such a great writer yourself, I'd be spamming you with my stuff. Good luck with it.

Thanks Don for posting this so fast and thanks guys for the compliments.



-Mark

That was great, Mark! Very nicely done, well acted. A good notch in the belt.

Steve

Must have missed this the first time around.
Wow, just three days to film this?!

Lots of nifty sfx must have gone in post as well.

Really admirable. Good luck with the bigger picture, Mark.    

Mark,

I'm giving your script a read. I'm liking it so far. I think the world building is great, and the dialogue is very well-written. Congrats on getting it filmed.

Matthew Lincoln

P.S. I wrote a sci-fi short, Inescapable, and I'd appreciate some feedback. It takes place in the near-future and is influenced by The Terminator. Thanks.

Woah, this is absolutely fantastic! So intense. And I remember the script very well too, although read it long time ago. Congrats!