SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
Welcome, Guest.
It is January 23rd, 2020, 7:17am
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship

Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration
The January One Week Challenge is on

Scripts due to

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the and domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  Unwelcome
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Unwelcome  (currently 568 views)
Posted: April 9th, 2017, 1:18pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

Posts Per Day
Unwelcome by Julien Blaecke - Short, Thriller - A very skilled blind man is confronted to an intruder pretending that the blind man is the one to intrude. 17 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Visit for what is new on the site.

You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Site Private Message
Posted: August 2nd, 2017, 7:47pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Sydney, Australia
Posts Per Day

That was a long 15 pages. Lots of awkward writing, I'm thinking English isn't your first language.

Dialogue is on the nose.

Its kind of over formatted with all the constant fading in and out. Its not technically incorrect but it blows out the page count and stilts the read.

The setup about a blind guy that is very intuitive was okay and then it just went sideways.


The quote below pretty much sums it up for me, I just cringed.

Quoted Text
Alright. You got me. Iím a demon.
Maybe not the most powerful one,
but still I can do terrible things.
What? But how did you --
Oh, a bunch of retarded satanists
next door summoned me two days ago.
Nothing too fancy actually.

Sorry but this one wasn't for me.

You can work on you writing ability by reading more scripts and articles on screenwriting.

Good luck with it.

To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website


Private Message Reply: 1 - 2
Posted: April 21st, 2019, 7:25am Report to Moderator

Posts Per Day
I read the script and I have some conclusions. I really love the opening scene. The dialogue seems very natural which after the first scenes is getting worse. I don't think it is cringe as the guy above said but the last scene when demon explains who he is make no sense for me. Moreover I feel like the scene with old lady is useless. Why did u even give ur character superpowers?
I think u should rebuild plot and find better way to introduce demon and maybe connect it with the issue of blindness. It will make your character be more "touching" for readers. I saw that in many scenes you tried to show that even though he is blind he is special but maybe it should be something that make him weaker? Blind person who is tired of trying to show people that he is not disabled and worse?
I don't know if English is your first language, cause it is not mine first. But if it is true I know your struggle and hope to read next version of the script.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 2
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Thriller Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on

Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006