Before The Sunset by Stephen Brown - Short, Drama - With his girlfriend in a coma, Simon Appleby accepts the offer to take part in a new trial that allows him to visit her in a virtual world. 26 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Some notes.

I liked this one a great deal.  It works for me.  I think it's a bit long and may well be suited for a longer effort.  The writing is good, and the dialogue believable.  

I think you might explore more variety in the vision episodes.  It's not always peaches and cream.  In an effort to pull her from the coma, they run a number of emotional scenarios--fear, anger, envy, etc.  And you might ask if these immersions really help him rather than hurt him.  It would be that much more difficult to let go if these meetings invigorate him, make him younger and happier.  Just sayin.

Last, you might explore what would happen if you added a final reversal.  It's not her that's in the coma.  It's him.

Best
Richard

Okay - gave this a read. Just my ramblings.

First - the premise is killer. Very creative in my opinion.

There were a lot of difficult transitions (flashbacks, in and out of coma vs. reality. etc.) and I thought you handle them very competently - I always was where you wanted me to be. Kudos.

Overall, the writing was solid.

A nit typo here:

Quoted Text RACHEL What do you mean this isn’t real? Ofcourse it’s real.

Need a space between "of" and "course:.

SPOILERS AHEAD

I did not like this passage of dialogue - it felt unnatural to me -

Quoted Text SIMON Ok, ok… if you knew something about someone… about someone you loved, but you weren’t sure how they would take finding it out, would you tell them? RACHEL What are you talking about? SIMON Would you want to know? Would you want to know if… if things weren’t as they seemed?

Overall, a compelling story. However, I think you must decide if you want this to be a Short or a feature. If a Short - I think there are several pages/areas you can trim. e.g.,

INT/EXT. CAR. NIGHT

Quoted Text Josh turns to face Simon. JOSH You sure you don’t want me to come in with you? Keep you company? SIMON I’m just going to hit the sack, Josh. Thanks all the same. JOSH Well, like I say, anytime… for a lift, some company, whatever. Simon forces an attempted smile. SIMON Thanks pal. See you later. He closes the door and walks towards the apartment block

You don't need this scene - it adds very little.

Same with the scene about borrowing money from Dad to fund the vacation - none of that is really needed.

You could get this down to around 15 pages - all we really need to know is that he loves her, wants to be in the Coma with her - all the other background is not needed.

The ending - not in love with it. I would have liked it better if there was some critical question that Simon wanted to have answered by Rachel - and his last trip in is to get that answer.

If you want it to be a FEATURE

Lot of areas ripe for development. A random thought. Have a Doctor who invented this technology as your Protag. He provides this service to people all over the country but on a time limited basis because of his concerns about the health impact of the surviving loved one joining in the Coma. And then as a twist. his loved one goes into a Coma and he decides to take the journey there himself and must debate whether to leave like he demanded all the others too or stay - as he really wants to.

You have a lot of talent.  Either way - short or feature - there are the bones of a great story here.

Thanks both of you for the feedback and cheers Don for posting.

Richard, the length had to be 30 minutes (it's for a uni assignment). I'm not sure what you mean by it being a bit long but is also suited for a longer effort? I think it could be turned into a feature possibly and I love your idea about the different emotional stresses being put on Rachel in an effort to bring her out of the coma. I also like your idea of Simon being helped by the experiment - in a way it is helping him (like a drug, he is being helped when he's with Rachel but, also like a drug, he needs bigger and longer 'hits').

Eldave, I get what you mean about the exchange between Simon and Rachel being unnatural but I wanted this to be something that Simon found difficult to say and explain. It's meant to be awkward but I will certainly take a look at it in the next draft.

I think that 30 minutes is an awkward length for a script, it's kind of between a short and a feature, but this was something I couldn't change as far as my course goes. I'll certainly bear your comments in mind for how this could be shortened (as, even if I turn it into a feature, if those scenes aren't needed they should be removed). I like your idea for the feature by the way, cheers!

Really helpful comments and I've already redrafted a little but will wait for (hopefully) some more feedback before posting.

Cheers

Ste

Glad you found the comments helpful - best of luck with this

Will give it a read, but the premise reminds me of the Black Mirror episode San Junipero.

Hi Steven,

I look forward to your thoughts. I'm confident that you'll see that there are significant differences between this and the Black Mirror episode you mention.

Stephen