Normal Activity by Warren Duncan - Short, Psychological Thriller - Two home intruders cause a man to come to terms with the grim truth about himself. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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Normal Activity from Jemel Richards on Vimeo.

Updated the link.

- Don

The Machine is back!!! Solid enough little short.

SPOILERS

The twist felt a bit too familiar though. It's been done so many times with The Others, Sixth Sense, etc. I wish it was more of a unique spin on the concept. But, it works for what is and would be easy to make.

Thanks, yeah I think I need to blow out some cobwebs.

As mentioned, it's been rattling around in my head awhile and just needed to come out so I could move on.

Thanks for having a read, feedback always appreciated.

Warren,

I’m a little torn on this one.  Suspense keeps it interesting and I like how you’re taking this from Adam’s perspective.  That said, I wonder how effective the flashback reveal would be in tying all this together?

I found myself wondering why/when Adam ended up dead in the wardrobe in the first place which detracts from the creepiness of the situation.  Maybe a little more context.  Perhaps if there were some hint from the new occupants that this had happened before - something to suggest to us an ongoing haunting?  Is timeframe a factor?  Have these guys just moved in?  It’s short and sweet but feels a little too thin to make the most out of the idea.

Steve

Thanks for the read, Steve.

I like the suggestion, and I did want this to seem more like an ongoing issue than a one off, I just couldn't think of a way to incorporate it without giving it all away.

I'll keep thinking about it and hopefully something comes to me.

Cheers

Love a few more reads on this from the regs or anyone for that matter before it slides off the recent thread list. Anyone who knows me knows I 'm good for a return read.

Thanks in advance.

Warren,

Loved the reveal - took me by surprise, didn't see it coming. Nice. Only issue is where did the phone come from? One of the two men pulls out a phone at the end, but I'm guessing it's a cell phone. So there is no mention of a landline with a cord. I think one of the men needs to grab the landline, perhaps as a weapon maybe to bash the intruder with, but they don't do that. Muscular man grabs a knife, and that's not the weapon that kills Adam.

Also, I'd maybe think about losing the flashback at the end. All Adam has to do now is just look back into the closet (wardrobe) and see his own lifeless body there. I think that might work better. But that's me. Overall, well done. I can see this being picked up quick! Good luck.

Steve

Thanks for the read, Steve.

Glad the surprise held out till the end.

As far as the phone cord and where the phone came from, it's a flashback so it came from Adam's house when he used to live there. It is non existent in the new occupants house.

I did actually originally write this without the flashback and gave it to some people before posting and they didn't quite get it. They felt the flashback cleared it up.

Will see if there is more of a common consensus either way before deciding what to do with it.

And yes I hope it does go quick, I've already had some interest but nothing solid yet.

Thanks again.

Hi Warren,

!SPOILER!

Okay....it's done nicely, but as soon as I read he was knocking photos on the wall, I knew he was a ghost. It's well told, and written. Maybe you could add more after the reveal? Another twist?

Thanks for the read, Kirsten.

Good pick up, not sure how you would have made it, but nevertheless.

What else could I add twist wise? I'm happy to take suggestions. The entire short is based on simple idea.

Hey mate,

As Steve mentioned, the suspense is spot on. Had my eyes smashing out the lines wanting to get to the end to see what happens.

This is a pretty tight knit little story. Not my kinda thing, but I can appreciate it.

Twist wise -  Perhaps Adam could have known these guys in his life?

- They killed him?

- A picture of Adam and one of the men crunched up in the wardrobe?

- A stab wound in Adam instead of hanging wounds?


I don't know. I can see this getting picked up with or without re-writes.

Anyway, here's a few notes:

- Get rid of Muscular Man saying "Someone's here."  The finger to the mouth says it all, and adds a little creepiness to it.

- Don't you mean 000?

Aaaaaand, you could remove Adam saying "What the fuck?" At the end. 'A moment of realization.' in the description line suffices.

Hey mate,

Thanks for taking a look.

Yeah I agree those two lines are probably not needed, the subtext would be enough.

Good call on the 000... But no haha. All three of my produced films have been picked up by Americans and all my current options are to Americans. I feel I have to write for what is obviously making up the majority of my audience.

Will get to your feature as soon as I can.

Solid writing.

I for one did not see the twist coming

SPOILERS

My only critique is here:

Quoted Text MUSCULAR MAN He must have gotten away, just call the cops. THIN MAN Oh thank God, that scared me half to death.

They have someone smash a face in their living room subsequently picture frames in the hallway on route to the bedroom. Upon whipping open the closet they find no one.  

Why would they think he got away? They followed something into the room. I think all I need added is an open window that leads outside - they look at it and then conclude he got out.

Overall - a good tale

Thanks for the read, Dave.

Glad the twist held till the end.

Good pickup, I will steal that idea, thanks

Appreciated as always.