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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Blood Highway
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  Author    Blood Highway  (currently 696 views)
Don
Posted: July 12th, 2017, 7:13pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Blood Highway by Joseph Ulloa - Short, Horror - On a lone highway one man discovers fate can take a nasty turn in a blink of a moment. 12 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Tyler King
Posted: July 12th, 2017, 10:03pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm... the overall story was pretty good, but there were quite a few grammatical/formatting errors that made the read pretty distracting. I would've (or had someone else) proofread it beforehand. And the dialogue was kind of cheesy in some spots. Also, is this supposed to be a horror? Felt more like it should belong in the thriller category. Also, the ending was alright, I see what you were trying to do, but I felt it was a little predictable with the way you portrayed "John Doe" and his reactions i.e. being calm about the whole ordeal. I hate to be a nagger, just trying to help a fellow screenwriter out... Overall though it was a pretty good effort.
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Kirsten
Posted: July 18th, 2017, 11:47am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Giving up is not an option....

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Hi Joseph,

I agree with Tyler's comments. i thought it had a nice twist.

"John doe looks back over towards the beat-up 1970s blue
Cutlass convertible at Trace and smiles."

You don't need to write the description of the car again.

TRACE WILLIAM
Good, well that prick told me the
when’s and the where’s and also the
how’s.
TRACE WILLIAM
Like how I was going to be paid
hundred grand for this fucker.

This is the wrong formatting for dialogue. If the actor is speaking everything they say up to the point of an action line or another person speaking comes under the one character name. This is the correct formatting.

TRACE WILLIAM
Good, well that prick told me the
when’s and the where’s and also the
how’s. Like how I was going to be paid
hundred grand for this fucker.

This is a good effort, keeping reading, writing and learning....


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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