22 by James Grant - Short, Drama - Military veteran retires from service to find that civilian life was not at all what he thought it would be. Unable to achieve the same success he was able to in the military his life spins out of control. 9 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

Some notes.

This one is pretty predictable and a bit cliche.  And while those things can be addressed, the English is full of errors.

'your' is not 'you're'
'whined' is not 'wind'
'jays' is not 'jay's'

When you address someone, it requires a comma....come with me, Jeff.

The English mistakes will sabotage your efforts.  Most readers will stop at the first or second mistake and write  you off as a amateur who hasn't taken the time to learn English.  Don't give them the opportunity.

Best
Richard

'Your' should be 'you're' a lot of the time. Steve feels a loser all the time? Really? He lead troops, he sounds tougher than that... At least reword that. I don't think he should cry about not finding a job, but maybe he could cry about seeing people blown up. But I might be wrong. Maybe he could cry about not finding work, but deep down he's crying about something else, is that what it is? I thought the way Steve spoke to his son, like he was a soldier was a bit strange. Too literal. I thought Steve's different relationship style with his wife and son was also strange. I thought Steve's son under-reacted to his hair pulling. Your script's ending seems unfinished. Keep working on it, I guess...

Hi, James.  Thank you fo allowing me to read your short screenplay.  I found it a powerful script.  I thought you could have used less dialogue and more description, especially of your characters.  Didn't need to hear the emotions so much, as see it through your writing.  I think bringing your funeral to the front of the screenplay would have caught my attention, working backwards through the emotions would bring some clarity and resolve as well.

Watch your spelling -- "your" vs. "you're"

Keep working and writing.

Peace.
Val

I realize this was first posted back in 2017, but since it's been bumped I may as well take a look.

On page one:

Quoted Text INT.SMITH HOUSE-KITHCHEN DAY

This:

Quoted Text INT. SMITH HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Quoted Text KELLY walks into the kitchen...

You already established the location, and this is how almost everyone always enters anywhere. If she were doing anything other than walk — run, skip, dance, skateboard, surf, whatever — you'd note it. Otherwise:

Quoted Text KELLY enters.

The dialogue that follows is filled with grammar, punctuation and spelling errors. That may seem trivial but it does your chances no favors in a grotesquely over-saturated market.

Also, the dialogue feels a little stilted and expositional. Not to an awful extent — there's much worse out there — but if you must have dialogue it ought to be the best dialogue possible.

Work on these fundamentals. Eradicate the careless mistakes and your script will be a lot easier to write and read.