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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  22
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Don
Posted: July 16th, 2017, 7:31pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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22 by James Grant - Short, Drama - Military veteran retires from service to find that civilian life was not at all what he thought it would be. Unable to achieve the same success he was able to in the military his life spins out of control. 9 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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RichardR
Posted: July 17th, 2017, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

This one is pretty predictable and a bit cliche.  And while those things can be addressed, the English is full of errors.

'your' is not 'you're'
'whined' is not 'wind'
'jays' is not 'jay's'

When you address someone, it requires a comma....come with me, Jeff.

The English mistakes will sabotage your efforts.  Most readers will stop at the first or second mistake and write  you off as a amateur who hasn't taken the time to learn English.  Don't give them the opportunity.

Best
Richard
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Simon
Posted: August 28th, 2017, 7:10am Report to Moderator
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'Your' should be 'you're' a lot of the time. Steve feels a loser all the time? Really? He lead troops, he sounds tougher than that... At least reword that. I don't think he should cry about not finding a job, but maybe he could cry about seeing people blown up. But I might be wrong. Maybe he could cry about not finding work, but deep down he's crying about something else, is that what it is? I thought the way Steve spoke to his son, like he was a soldier was a bit strange. Too literal. I thought Steve's different relationship style with his wife and son was also strange. I thought Steve's son under-reacted to his hair pulling. Your script's ending seems unfinished. Keep working on it, I guess...


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