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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2017 OWC  ›  Red on Yellow - OWC Moderators: Dreamscale
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  Author    Red on Yellow - OWC  (currently 1273 views)
Posted: July 21st, 2017, 11:03pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Red on Yellow by Sir Vival - Short, Dramedy - Two Amazonian tribesmen encounter a mysterious beast destroying their forest. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Cam Gray
Posted: July 22nd, 2017, 5:43am Report to Moderator

Laaaaannnndddaaaan (London)
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Hey writer,

Think I recognise the style and humour here.

Theme matching time. Less than 4 characters, yup. Foreign land alien to person, yup. 9-12 pages, excluding title, yup. All good!

It's quirky, and really well thought out. If I was to be negative, I'd say it was fairly obvious where you were going straight from the title page, and if the script wasn't any good you'd be in trouble. Fortunately, I really liked it. Easy to read, had me smirking all the way through and you kept a simple premise running over the duration without me losing any interest.

Quick nitpick. You've obviously written before, the formatting and style was pretty good. Just remember to CAPS the character intros!

Good work


23 Mu Mu’s in an ice cream van...
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Posted: July 22nd, 2017, 5:50am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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Haha, a really funny one, writer.

I think he and the beast are one - that's the highlight for me.
Well, I have to say something... It's like a rule - to show you I really read it. So here it goes - it needs some tidying.
And, they wouldn't know how badly Jake smells while he's inside the beast - the first time they said it he was inside the bulldozer, wasn't he?
Anyway this is my second read and it's going to make my second recommend. Great challenge I guess. (I also read Dream and would recommend it to you)
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Posted: July 22nd, 2017, 11:30am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Southern California
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A few typos and two issue:

Quoted Text
Ururu dresses out the peccary and pulls out the liver. He
hands it to Konibu as a prize.

Given that they had just shot the thing, I thought you should have a transitional scene heading here, Something like: UNDER A TREE - LATER.

The Indian Character names are very close Urubu - Konibu.  Would have been a clearer read if they sounded differently - had to go back a few times and make sure I was clear on which was which.

The Story - loved it. Very cleaver and well told. I think this is a real solid effort.

My Scripts can all be seen here:
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Posted: July 22nd, 2017, 9:05pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Upstate NY
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I kinda liked this. Nothing surprising here, though. Pretty much knew where this was going, but it was told so well that I didn't mind much. Very vivid, descriptive writing. Nice job overall, but story wise it didn't cover any new ground.


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Posted: July 23rd, 2017, 10:20am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Burnaby, British Columbia, Canada
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Good fun and well written. I feel like Jake could be introduced earlier -- or something needs to connect the sequence with the peccary to the sequence with Jake more clearly. This kinda felt like two separate vignettes, and the ending really demands that it all feel like one big sequence, I think.

Told well and entertaining.

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Posted: July 23rd, 2017, 12:47pm Report to Moderator

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Establishing is not a time of day. Is it Day or night? For an establishing shot info like this is important.

"From above, the rainforest is seemingly endless. The tree canopies arch and blend together like a dark green carpet that allows very little sunlight through to the ground." Unless we are on the ground we won't know if any sunlight makes it through the trees. No need for that last line. Cut it.

CAP characters the first time we see them. Like the two TRIBESMAN and even the PECCARY.

"A huge yellow beast with one fang and claws pushes against the trunk of a massive tree. As it struggles, it growls and belches black soot from it's snout. When the roots finally give, it crashes." Ok, problem. This is written as if it was an actual yellow beast. We know it's a tractor so why not say so? Or are we supposed to see this through Ururru's eyes and it actually is like a yellow beast? You gotta be clear in your descriptions and what you are saying. Or else issues like this arise.

Also, whatever it's supposed to be should be in caps. TRACTOR. BEAST. TRACTOR BEAST.

"It's a shame that the operator has no respect for the equipment as it's trashed with litter and old food." Unfilmable. How do you film shame? Just describe the floor as littered.

Ten-four not 10-4 in dialogue.

Ok, some funny attempts at humor at the end. I didn't laugh but I understood the gags and the angle of the humor. Problem is there is no real conflict here. The tribesmen aren't really trying to stop the beast or if they are it isn't set up as so to drive the story forward. Without stakes of any kind the script spins in place.

Not bad but not great. Meh. Movie reviews, news, and fun! Write a screenplay. Write. Now. Separate from your competition. Affordable SEO services Because nobody likes receiving gift cards

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CameronD  -  July 23rd, 2017, 6:21pm
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Posted: July 23rd, 2017, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Action speaks louder...

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Something a little different. Well written but I can't see it winning any awards... often when I say things like that I have to eat my words. Hopefully, that happens here. Good luck.

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Posted: July 23rd, 2017, 7:40pm Report to Moderator

Vancouver, BC
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Overall, I like it. It's predictable, but there's enough of your style and specific voice to make it original. It must have been fun to write.

I had an issue at first with describing events from the perspective of the aboriginals. It's how you write prose, not a screenplay. But there's a nice juxtaposition when we're suddenly in Jake's POV that makes it work. I completely get what I'm seeing and it's still an engaging, well-dramatized read. Excellent choice.

Most of my beefs are with the dialogue. It's well-written, I just don't think aboriginals would talk the way they do. "Nice shot." "I have no idea." Those phrases seem out of place, culturally wrong.

The only question I'm left with is the title. Red on Yellow? It seems like a foreshadow of the ending, a strange choice for a title.

Great job!

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Posted: July 23rd, 2017, 9:35pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Down Under
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Yeah not bad. Well written and to the point. No real concerns with anything for me. Good effort

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Posted: July 23rd, 2017, 10:22pm Report to Moderator

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Solid job. It could use another pass through but considering the time limit its understandable. Definitely had its moments. Hard to fault an ending like that.

That rug really tied the room together.
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Posted: July 24th, 2017, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
Board Moderator

Yes, that is my real hair...

Cave Creek, AZ
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This starts out well enough, and seems to be serious, but once the 2 characters start "talking, it moves to comedy - as in think about the limited "dialogue" these 2 would actually have.

Page 2 - The "moments later" part needs to be a Mini Slug.

From here, things get goofy and I'm not enjoying the read.  Is this a comedy?  I just don't know.

Who is the fish out of water or stranger in a strange land?

Not bad and definitely different, but not for me, sorry to say.

Grade - ** 1/2

To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Posted: July 24th, 2017, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Killing villains since 1980!

Buffalo NY
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I kinda liked it.  Guy goes off to a foreign land to work.  Meets natives.  Natives kill him.  Isn't that how it works?

I kinda agree with Jeff in that it starts off as a serious story, then goes to comedy.  

This is always a pet peeve of mine, but, if the tribe is that isolated, how many words will they even know?  I mean, they've never seen a bulldozer, so, their dialog read too "American" for me.

Also, wouldn't the guy be aware of natives?  And other wild animals.  

Don't know if you're a South Park fan, but, they had a rainforest episode and trust me, there are a lot of deadly things in it.


Please read my scripts:

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

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Posted: July 24th, 2017, 4:31pm Report to Moderator

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Enjoyed the writing on the page, easy and quick read. What I enjoyed even more was the writing in regard to the characters' perspectives. One sees a beast and the other sees a machine - I thought the technique was amazing.

The oddities go both ways, and I thought the dialogue from the tribesmen was clever, part of why the read flowed so well. One of the better entries, probably translates solid to film too.
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Posted: July 25th, 2017, 6:16am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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P3 wait here

Introduction of beast was confusing. Don't like these kinds of decisions writing for style instead of clarity, not reader-friendly…

Cap characters when first time appearing

Okay now I understand the foregone decision concerning the beast concept and I really like it how you continue with it later. Still, I'd differentiate the first appearance of the beast a bit and make at least clear it's seen from the view/perspective of these natives: so, maybe a POV… or URURU'S VIEW something like that… (**rethought, somehow you should tell it's a dozer (as a sidenote) when first appearing, it just feels not right to me as it is.)

It's a very interesting confrontation. I like the characters.

Hmm, actually it's hard to believe that there are still tribes that live without any knowledge about the existence of machines since the industrial countries already shredded and mined in each spot of our planet, no matter who actually owns it… PERHAPS you just walked in there with some irony which is completely fine to me -- there's a message one way or the other

And anyway I in fact like the charming touch of the script and the innocence of those people as well as the complete difference between them and Jake's world…

Good conflict and characterization.

"It's...called...a selfie."
Very niiiice ending.

Well done. I enjoyed it. The best I read so far. A high quality script I think.

In the Head of the Driver (3p - drama, sports, SF)

Those Infinite Wolves  (8p - psychological horror)

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