SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is January 26th, 2020, 1:39am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration
The Scripts of the January 2020 One Week Challenge



Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Quickie Challenge  ›  God Does Not Play Dice - QC Moderators: MarkItZero
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    God Does Not Play Dice - QC  (currently 1609 views)
Don
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 11:15pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13536
Posts Per Day
1.95
God Does Not Play Dice by Won Nut - Short, Drama - A retired Cardinal reveals a secret to a trusted friend. 3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
Cooper
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:52am Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Posts
105
Posts Per Day
0.09
The Steve Bannon line was pretty hilarious.

My issue with this is that it felt unbalanced. Is this a comedy or a tragedy. I thought it was one, then the other, then the other. The tone was all over the place. also it seem strange that these two are friends yet the pastor uses the cardinals full name.

You did work in both challenges in one, so kudos there.


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 27
khamanna
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:12am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
3304
Posts Per Day
0.87
Hi.
Sorry, I couldn't pick onclues in this. Didn't understand why to play dice and how it matters in the end.

Written well and all. I wish the writer could explain as this could be very interesting. A pastor and a Cardinal play dice. Maybe it's thenumber of pages that hindered the clarity in this.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 27
Warren
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:18am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
2727
Posts Per Day
2.05
Hi,

SPOILER

Another one hanging from a jump rope.

So technically this doesn't meet the challenge rules as you have used both sets of criteria, but that would have been pretty hard to do in 3 pages so good on you.

I think the story may have suffered because of it though.

The point of this wasn't very clear to me.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb

Script-Competitions
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 27
khamanna
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:26am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
3304
Posts Per Day
0.87
I liked the Pastor and Cardinal playing dice in the church. You actually have all four of the requirement - I noticed "two residents" at the beginning of it as well.

I couldn't pick up on clues here. They are playing dice - I didn't get what for, and how that plays out in the end. The Cardinal is about to... but I didn't get why at all. And all the questions during the dice game - didn't get that either. Possibly the 3-page limit hinders the clarity in this. I wish the writer explained this after the OWC is over.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 27
Dustin
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:50am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5397
Posts Per Day
2.27
Code

He stares at an AIDE standing above a jump rope, 



Above a jump rope? Is he levitating?


Code

while TWO
RESIDENTS lacklusterly hold their respective ends.



lacklusterly is the wrong adverb. 'Unenthusiastically' would be better.

Yeah... hmmm. Not a story, more of a cheap comedy skit we'd see on TV. Not for me.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 27
MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 5:50am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
UK
Posts
1643
Posts Per Day
0.67
Someone had an argument with their screenwriting software on the title page and lost me thinks!

Not sure if this is a pisser or not, the tone goes from serious to comical in an unbalanced way. Although the Steve Bannon line was funny, there was no way the Cardinal would know the pastor would ask that question of the dice, yet he seemed to know exactly what he would do with them.  

Reads like a skit, or sketch. Not really my cup of tea.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 6 - 27
Stumpzian
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 6:15am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
North Carolina
Posts
680
Posts Per Day
0.33
A DQ, at least in my voting. Brazenly violates the rule about mixing sets.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 27
PrussianMosby
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 6:31am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
1404
Posts Per Day
0.61
Wrong page numbers

odd first scene… should this be bizarre or ironic in case of the challenge's topic?

All right. I like it. One question: Did Cardinal hang himself because he heard that Bannon will become president? I just realized he wasn't present in the scene when Murphy rolled the dice, so how would Cardinal know that? Perhaps it's just a bizarre ending and I interpret wrong here. Nice comedic undertone.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 27
hawkeye
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 8:51am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Texas
Posts
912
Posts Per Day
0.35
Eh, I didn't like the blatant middle finger at the rules.  Also, Just a couple of minor nitpicks... are Catholic priests referred to as pastors?  I would think he would be referred to as Father Murphy (I assume he's Catholic and thus the relation to the Cardinal).  Second, "twelve means it will definitely happen. One means no chance."  I think you mean "two means no chance" since you can't roll a one with two die.

The cover page is weird, man. All those continues. And the page numbers are off. Opening in the living facility does nothing for your story other than you're just jamming it in to fart on the rules.

The writing itself wasn't bad but it seems like you could have done more with this than turn it into a Brannon throwaway joke. All the best,

Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 27
grademan
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 8:55am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
896
Posts Per Day
0.23
I liked how it worked in both sets of criteria which is an auto DQ but  -- who cares? It was creative. This could have ended on the punchline rather than go into the closet.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 27
khamanna
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 9:03am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
3304
Posts Per Day
0.87
This one is not against the rules!)

Some say it is, but there was a discussion about mixing and matching and the answer is - as long as you have a required object/location set you're fine. You may include any other object or location in the world.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 27
Stumpzian
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 9:07am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
North Carolina
Posts
680
Posts Per Day
0.33

Quoted from khamanna
This one is not against the rules!)

Some say it is, but there was a discussion about mixing and matching and the answer is - as long as you have a required object/location set you're fine. You may include any other object or location in the world.


Oh, missed that. Will give this one another look.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 27
JEStaats
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 10:30am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
894
Posts Per Day
0.70
What the heck is up with the title page?! Not a good way to start off....

Another derail: Genuflects... ugh. Got to look that one up. Oh. Couldn't you just say kneel or pray?

Okay, cool. The stone dice from the Romans. Nice touch. HAHA! How do you roll a one with a pair of dice? OOPS!

Best line: Patriots win the Super Bowl with a groan!

This qualifies in my books. Needs some clean up. Maybe just get rid of the retirement home beginning. Nice work.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 27
MarkItZero
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
Board Moderator



Posts
760
Posts Per Day
0.55
Well, you managed to pull off all four. But you went over the page count by one line. And only because you started with a CONT'D. Almost like it was on purpose. I'll take it as a clever statement on the absurdity of the rules.  


That rug really tied the room together.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 27
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The Quickie Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006