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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Vivan Bonafide Moderators: bert
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  Author    Vivan Bonafide  (currently 273 views)
Don
Posted: October 1st, 2017, 6:01pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

Location
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Vivian Bonafide by Dave Nelson - Drama - Two young girls which in horror as their parents are murdered in cold blood. They vow revenge by any means necessary. 87 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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eldave1
Posted: October 1st, 2017, 7:08pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Issues right out of the shoot.


Quoted Text
EXT. MARKET PLACE - DUSK

(People talking) Shoppers hustling along the sidewalk of the
busy market district. VIVIAN, 22 years old counts the
receipts at the counter. JENNY, 19 years old sweeps up the
trash. Momma sits close to the exit as Chow escorts the last
customer out the door.


- Scene heading needs a little more than market place
- What is with the parenthesis???
- Momma should be CAPPED and intro'd as a character
- Don;t need "years old". Just state their age - e.g., (19)


Quoted Text
CHOW LEE
(Waving)
OK, we see you tomorrow. selamat
Malam (Good night)


More parenthesis in the dialogue.  


Quoted Text
CHOW LEE BONAFIDE, 72 years old and his wife MOMMA BONAFIDE,
70 years old, are successful business owners in Kuala Lumpur,
Malaysia.


Last sentence entirely unfilmable.

So - I'm sorry - but this needs work. Not ready yet.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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