A Night's Drive by Kyle Amos - Short, Thriller - A peaceful night drive, turns deadly. 9 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

Kyle,

A few suggestions and observations and suggestions for you.

With your sluglines/scene headings:

Make sure to put the primary location first and the secondary second.
Example:
INT.BATHROOM/JESUS HOUSE-NIGHT
-Should be,
INT. JESUS HOUSE - BATHROOM - NIGHT

Make sure to give your work a read out load to see if you have repetitions and to just see how it sounds out loud.
Example:
The Jacket from the movie “Drive” hangs in the
closet; Jesus pulls the jacket out of the
closet, to lay it on the bed with a pair of
gloves on top. He looks at the jacket, with a
grin.
-You don't need to tell us the jacket is in the closet and then he grabs the jacket from the closet. We get it.
-It doesn't read well when you read it out loud.
-I would write it as,
The Jacket from the movie “Drive” hangs in the
closet. Jesus pulls it out and lays it on down on the bed. He tosses a pair of gloves on top, steps back and looks at the jacket, with a
grin.
-Actually while on the subject, are we in the bathroom? Should be be in the bedroom instead.
-The slug should read as,
INT. JESUS HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT

Typos:
They happen to all of us.
Example:
Jesus gets into his, custom 1970 Plymouth-Hemi
Cuda(black). Puts on the song “Nightcall” by
Kavinsky. And, drive off into the night.
-Should be,
Jesus gets into his, custom 1970 Plymouth-Hemi
Cuda(black). Puts on the song “Nightcall” by
Kavinsky. And, drive(s) off into the night.
Example:
While driving, Jesus dances to the music. Until
he stops at a red light. When stopped, two men
in ski-masks; gets into the backseat. Hearing
them, Jesus considers the rear-view mirror.
-Should be,
While driving, Jesus dances to the music. Until
he stops at a red light. When stopped, two men
in ski-masks; get into the backseat. Hearing
them, Jesus considers the rear-view mirror.

Keep writing.

Best of luck to you with your current and future projects.

All the best,
Marty

Hey Kyle, I love the title and logline, that's why I started reading. But you seem to like commas a bit too much, I find it distracting.  Have you got anybody who could help you with the punctuation or anybody who could proofread your work?

The general idea sounds good to me. perhaps taking more of the movie drive, yet i felt into the movie perspective for a work which promise enhance action shots and dramatic issues.
You can take a look to my scripts 'On the road' and 'Curst' thriller and mystery respectively.
Bests.