Slice by Steve Miles - Short, Thriller, Horror - A grieving widow uses her love of baking to exact retribution against the system she blames for her suffering. 11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Steve,

SPOILERS

Nice job. Convincing visuals, and a nice bookending on the beginning and ending. I’ve worked close to telemarketers in the past and, quite honestly, a good bunch of them are the sordid type, so no love lost regarding Hetty’s choice of victims. The way you wrote them seems to be accurate, at least from what I remember.

I’m assuming Hetty uses the money to pay off people’s outstanding debts? Sort of paying it forward.

Anyway, written with your usual aplomb. Would make a nice little short film, I think. Good work.

Steve

I dunno,  I would have liked this better if it was aimed at the Higher Ups and we saw a big bunch of Execs lying on the floor.

The employees are just that, the cogs in the big wheels trying to make a living, which begs the question: Can an unemployed person afford to not take a particular job purely based on principle? You've got to count every lowly paid per hour Insurance company employee in this lot too, surely. Big companies that never pay out in compo, flood, fire etc., CEOs of big corporations who take obscene amounts of money for roles that are often nothing more than figureheads, and/or corrupt and greedy politicians who don't provide proper healthcare for all, gun laws legislation etc., would be far tastier subjects imho.

Written well, as usual.

I'm just not convinced these workers are deserving of their fate. Oh, and I didn't get the 'droplet of water' references - just to rouse Morgan to consciousness?

Solid writing throughout.

Great title.

Only thing that left me wanting was the culpability of the victims.  Not sure there was enough to make them deserving of their fate.  

All in all - great craftsmanship.

Thanks all for reading - always appreciated.

Steven - yes, she’s using the money from harvesting the organs to pay off debts owned by the company.  Maybe this could be made clearer though?  

Libby and Dave - I don’t disagree with you on the question of who her victims are and culpability.  I’ve been going back and forth on this idea for a while.  I would say that a lot of the choices were made with a mind on budget; aiming to tell the story with the fewest characters possible and a simple location that could represent a low rent office.

It was originally a health insurance co. denying coverage, but that didn’t feel quite right.  I settled on a medical debt collection agency (if that comes across in the story?), the kind that buy up bundles of debt cheaply then hound the debtor for a return.  That said, I kind of like the idea that Hetty is unhinged enough that no-one gets off the hook - no matter their position (the younger workers would also have healthier organs). Though I do appreciate the satisfaction in seeing the higher-ups as Hetty’s victims.

I’ve got a couple of tweaks in mind, as I do think a more satisfying pay-off is key.  One idea is to end on Hetty rolling the cart into a small exec meeting rather than a new office, thus suggesting they’d meet a similar fate.  

Libby, the droplet of water was from the overturned bottle on the table - I just needed a way of rousing Morgan.

Thanks again.  Let me know if I can return the read.

Steven, I’m part way through Christmasville/Woodworker - hopefully I can get some notes over soon.

Steve  

Hi Steve,

I just love your writing. It's always so engaging. You have this great ability to really suck me into your stories and this one was no different.

Really wish I could add the extra little something you have to my own scripts.

Anyway... couldn’t fault it.

Well done.

Steve,
Loved it. That moment Hetty started slicing, I immediatley imagined a classical song playing over in theme with her "sweet old lady" demeanour. As per the other notes, I do feel her victims need to do or say just a little more to justify their slaughter. But overall, it was a great read.

Good job.  

Steve,

I don’t think the debt thing needs to be clearer. It was there, just took me a moment to figure it out. Though is there any indication to suggest that Hetty used to be a nurse or something? Aside from her baking skills, she demonstrated a precise ability to cut out these livers, and had all the tools to get it done. I don’t remember if there were any clues dropped indicating her surgical skills.

And thanks for reading Christmasville! As always, I look forward to your thoughts.

Steve

Warren, Jordan - thanks for reading.  Let me know if I can return the favour.

Steve - I wasn't sure whether to add something in there as to how she knows this stuff.  Maybe she just learnt the one procedure..?  The nurse angle would be the most convenient, but I couldn't quite find that moment to work it in.  I've been giving it some thought, think I've got a suitable tweak.

Cheers,

Steve