The Trunk by René Claveau - Short, Drama - A woman struggles to dispose of a suspiciously large and heavy trunk. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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This in from René, A short that was discovered here is finally publicly available after a long festival run. Here's the link [] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bURZljn3lDE

Rene,

Noticed you had something new up. Nice little story. Could see this easily being produced. Is this a first draft you just banged out and posted? I only say that because there’s a few typos, and I don’t recall seeing an age for Inez. Easily fixable stuff, but I don’t think it even matters much. Good work.

Steve

Thanks! Must have missed those typos. I gave it a once-over and a bit of a rewrite, but didn't give it another full read before posting. Guess I should have.  

I felt Inez didn't really need an age. She's obviously young enough to do the physical parts, and old enough to drink, so I left it open.

Hi Rene, I enjoyed this. Nice job...

Rene: gave this a read. Overall - quite liked it.

A couple of nit suggestions:

This passage of action gets a little "she" heavy. i.e, she this and she that.

Quoted Text Inez has her back to it, using her feet to propel herself. She stops, out of breath. She goes to the bathroom sink and runs the water. She rubs her wet hands across her neck and upper back to cool off. When she splashes water on her face she winces and touches her lip. She looks in the mirror. It’s broken, the circular spiderweb pattern heavily distorting her features. She notices a few strands of hair stuck in the cracks and automatically reaches for the back of her head.

I would look for different pronouns/tactics to break the repetition. e.g.,

Inez has her back to it, using her feet to propel herself.
She stops, out of breath.

AT THE SINK

Inez cups water in her hands, brings them to her face to cool off. A wince of pain as the water
touches her damaged lip.

etc. - Not that exactly - but just something to break up the she does this then she does that pattern.

SPOILER

Quoted Text Jim waves as he leaves. He notices the red trail on the walkway and gives Inez a quizzical look. He nods uncertainly and returns to his home neighboring hers.

Not sure about the above. Jim seems a little non-plussed about the streaks of faux blood and wouldn't the boyfriend notice it when he came home??

To me, it would be more effective if the red liquid  started to ooze out of the corner of the trunk once Jim turns and walks away.

Anyway - just nits - loved the twist - a cool little story well written.

Rene

A small yet vital thing nonetheless but I always include the age of a character (unless we can’t see them yet) when introducing them.

“She notices a few strands of hair stuck in the cracks and automatically reaches for the back of her head.”

- Good attention to detail. Striking visual.

I wonder could Jim be a little more suspicious and a little less accepting, gullible, whatever. Just to add a bit of tension. I’m not saying he should rumble her (as the script won’t work then) but given the circumstances; Inez’s manner, her loaded responses, the previous night’s fight (I know its implied these altercations are nothing new but still), the trunk and blood trail, its sooooo fishy, you know.

I suspected there would be a twist as everything was pointing toward disposing of a corpse so no real surprise there.

I have to ask though (yes I’m being that asshole) but couldn’t she just have put his paints and stuff into a bag and carried them out that way? I know the main crux of the story is this singular struggle of carrying that big heavy trunk but when there is an easy alternative that negates the central mission it lessens its potency I think.

Also, and this might just be my hang-up but it annoys me when I see destruction of property carried out by the scorned/abused woman depicted in such a heroic manner. Sometimes I see it done for comedy too. It bugs me.

It’s like, “Look, she’s throwing all his shit out the 2nd storey window! Isn’t that hilarious/righteous/empowering?” No, it’s not. She is breaking the law. Now it might seem I’m being prudish but it only boils my blood for the simple fact that if you revered the gender, it would be shown in a completely different light...as cowardly, vindictive, petty, a dick move.

Yes, here, all signs show that the boyfriend is an abusive asshole, that of course shouldn’t be tolerated but as we learn, he took a beating too. It seems Inez can handle herself. She even says to Jim: “We did it to each other” so it looks like it’s a two way street. What right does she have burning his stuff?

Not only that, but we are now expected to cheer her on? Hmm, I dunno, that doesn’t sit well with me at all. Frankly, I think its BS.

Anyway, you can clearly write, I like how you spent so much time focusing on that one particular task. In 9 out of 10 scripts this would’ve been half a page but you really went step by step through each part of the arduous process. I appreciate how you were able to identify real conflict and toil there which a lot of us would otherwise dismiss. That consideration of the micro impressed me most about the piece.

Col.

Thanks for the great feedback. There was some interest in this script, and after I addressed some of the issues in the rewrite I’m happy to announce this script has been sold.

Looking forward to the finished film!

Rene, I meant to comment on this the other day. Most of my comments were addressed by other critiques, mainly regarding Jim's blasé reactions to the leaking red substance and finessing a couple of things.

I was captive audience the whole way btw. Very enjoyable.

Congrats on it being picked up.

Hi Rene,

Good little read. Definitely had no idea where it was going.

SPOILER

It was confusing why Jim didn’t seem concerned with the red streak. I guess he might know the partner is a painter and assume it’s paint. That way the only people not in on it are the audience, which is perfectly fine of course.

On the surface it’s a very dark tale with a satisfying twist.

Congrats on the sale. I look forward to seeing the film.

Quoted from ReneC Thanks for the great feedback. There was some interest in this script, and after I addressed some of the issues in the rewrite I’m happy to announce this script has been sold. Looking forward to the finished film!

Congrats!

Update on this script:

After selling it, it went into pre-production and then COVID hit. I thought the project was dead, but it was revived early last year, got made, and has since been accepted to over 20 festivals with a few more coming up. It's finally winding down its festival run and will be on YouTube next month. I'll finally be able to share the finished product.

Congrats - I enjoyed the read.

Hope it goes well

Hi ReneC

Congrats on getting this made. Read it and can see why. I don’t know what notes I can give since it’s made. Can’t wait to see the final product once you have approval.

Gabe

This in from René, A short that was discovered here is finally publicly available after a long festival run. Here's the link [] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bURZljn3lDE

Congrats, Rene! They did a great job.