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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Erotomania
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  Author    Erotomania  (currently 579 views)
Don
Posted: October 27th, 2018, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Erotomania by Matthew Taylor - Short, Comedy - A gullible teenager is elated when he is given the chance to meet his celebrity obsession, but his resolve is tested when things don't go as he imagined. 18 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 15th, 2019, 3:14pm
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HyperMatt
Posted: November 2nd, 2018, 5:48pm Report to Moderator
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This starts off as mildly amusing, but it really takes off when we get to Gez and Adnan’s house, and gets funnier as it goes along. There were quite a few moments where I chuckled out loud. To me, this was reminiscent of irreverent Young Ones/ Alexi Sayle-Ben Elton type alternative comedy.  Refreshing to see that 80s style comedy. You probably grew up in the 80s like me, I could really appreciate the London cockney stuff. This feels like it could be set in the Only Fools and Horses Multiverse!

The end scene was particularly amusing, and I was laughing out loud when reading this on the train (Why was I thinking of the last scene in Reservoir Dogs?); I could see it working really well with a laugh track. I did not see that ending coming, it resolves a lot of the questions I had in my head. Like why would Barney think these psychotic nincompoops.

The characters were incredibly well defined comic archetypes, in that, I mean Zelda, Barney, Gez and Adhen. Gez is clearly the ‘nut’ Vivian type, and has the most laughs.

Details you have in slug lines, like a house being cosy, should be in the description below the slug line. BARNEYS CLASSIC BEETLE CAR – You should just right BEETLE CAR, the reader will assume that it is Barney’s car since he is driving.

When doing a short, try and get it under 15 page mark, I think more chance of being read, and forces you to make the structure tight. I can talk, I have not been able to write a short under 15 pages.

The biggest problem I think you have in this script is that it needs a very thorough proofread. There are quite a few typos which I’ve PM’d you. You seem to have missed out full stops on most of your dialogue sentences. I know I have this same problem, and I may get someone, or even hire someone to actually proofread my stuff because it is hard to see all the cracks when you are working so closely on something you are passionate about. Readers quite rightly look down on this, no matter how good the script is. It should be your first priority it getting those typos sorted, and then you have quite an amusing viable piece on your hands.

Apart from the errors, have to say, I really enjoyed it. Maybe it’s because I am a Londoner and enjoy that world.

Good luck with it.
Matthew.



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HyperMatt  -  November 2nd, 2018, 6:21pm
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HyperMatt
Posted: November 2nd, 2018, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
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Erotomania - I had to look up what that meant on Google.


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MarkItZero
Posted: November 3rd, 2018, 8:23am Report to Moderator
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Hey Matt,

Had a quick read and thought this was pretty decent stuff. Some fun twists. I'd say just look for places to trim/tighten things up. See if you can't get to that first plot point of Barney knowing Ariel a bit faster. For example, maybe you don't need the whole thing with the coded letters.

Also, pg. 12, you've already established he's very nervous, don't think you need more dialogue to that effect. Maybe just end the scene right when they're at the door and he asks about the bag of sand.

So a little trim here or there. Keeping in mind to get into a scene as late as possible and leave as early as possible.

That's all nitpicks though. Overall, good job!


That rug really tied the room together.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: November 5th, 2018, 4:30am Report to Moderator
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Thanks so much to you both for taking the time to read this. much appreciated.

I am really glad you both enjoyed it.

Hypermatt

Thank you for taking the time to point out the spelling/grammar mistakes. ironically written English is not my strong point. Will fix the errors as soon as I can. As you say, when you have been working on something, and staring at the same pages, it's hard to see these things.

I am a half 80's child lol I am a sucker for older comedy's though.

I am also glad you liked the cockney stuff, as I am not a cockney I was worried I would screw that part up.

MarkItZero

This short I adapted from my first feature length (of the same name) in which, I explored the Erotomania condition more - the coded letters are a part of that - You may be correct that it is irrelevant for the short, but I left it in for sentimental reasons lol

Knowing when to enter/leave a scene is definitely something I need to work on - you make a good point about page 12

If either of you have anything you want reading, let me know

thanks again

Matt


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RobbieD
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Hi Matthew,

That was a fun read, thanks! I liked the play on language, particularly the coke bit.

From a personal point of view, I had little trouble visualising the characters (except Gaz, I got him), and for some reason that bothered me a little when reading this - it doesn't usually, but I think in this instance you maybe had something important in mind for your two leads and I wasn't quite sure what it was?

Loved it though.  I got the twist a micro-second before you revealed it which, timing-wise, was spot on for me.  Great job!


MADAME DORA, CLAIRVOYANT (Horror, Short)
MALLORY GOODE  (Horror, Short)
DIRTY GRANDAD DOT COM (Comedy, Short)

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RobbieD  -  January 23rd, 2019, 9:14pm
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: January 24th, 2019, 9:01am Report to Moderator
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Hi Robbie

Thank you very much for the read. Appreciated.

I am glad you liked it. This was my first short, in the past few months I have learnt a lot more from this forum so I need to revisit this one and tidy it up - Also need to trim it down a bit.

I will look at tightening up the character descriptions.

Many thanks

Matt


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AndyJ
Posted: November 20th, 2019, 8:05am Report to Moderator
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I quite liked it but it was a bit predictable, not that it's a bad thing. I knew it wasn't going to be Ariel tied to the chair and the bag of sand was obvious but still a decent joke. I thought you had written the police negotiator badly but that's when I realised it was a set up. I think you should have ended it as soon as Ariel told him he was on a prank show. I liked the name of the game show.

I'm not sure the bit about the coded message needed to be there but it did show how obsessed he is. I was thinking he imagines she is sending him coded messages. Although we knew he was pretty obsessed by all the pictures and stuff.

I didn't get this:

Adnan appears, makes a blowjob gesture with his hand.

If he was asking if they wanted "Coke" why was he making a blow job gesture?

One last thing, Gaz says "laff" that is more of a Northern way of saying it. A Londoner would say "larf"

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AndyJ  -  November 20th, 2019, 11:23am
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khamanna
Posted: November 20th, 2019, 11:13am Report to Moderator
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Hey Matt. Just read it and it's good for what it is. It reads like a stoner stuff, pretty much so with a bag of sand and all. And the way they talk plays into the tone.
I really liked the dialog.
The thing at the beginning about the coded message - that tripped me off. I was expecting Ariel saying something to Zelda or knowing Zelda, so I think you better take that off.
Otherwise it's all sound.
There were a couple of grammar flops that I noticed. Nothing tripping though. It's instead of its at the bottom of p2. And couple of instances of small-headed letters instead of capped after a period.
Entertaining!
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: November 21st, 2019, 6:09am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AndyJ
I quite liked it but it was a bit predictable, not that it's a bad thing. I knew it wasn't going to be Ariel tied to the chair and the bag of sand was obvious but still a decent joke. I thought you had written the police negotiator badly but that's when I realised it was a set up. I think you should have ended it as soon as Ariel told him he was on a prank show. I liked the name of the game show.

I'm not sure the bit about the coded message needed to be there but it did show how obsessed he is. I was thinking he imagines she is sending him coded messages. Although we knew he was pretty obsessed by all the pictures and stuff.

I didn't get this:

Adnan appears, makes a blowjob gesture with his hand.

If he was asking if they wanted "Coke" why was he making a blow job gesture?

One last thing, Gaz says "laff" that is more of a Northern way of saying it. A Londoner would say "larf"



Hey!

Thanks for the review - this was my first ever short, and although it wasn't posted that long ago really, I have learned a lot since then so this is not my best work lol

Are you a Londoner by any chance? The bag of sand wasn't obvious to me, but I am a brummie so I'm not up to date with my cockney rhyming slang.

Yea the coded message is me being sentimental - This is a short based on my very first feature, and so I am clinging onto elements of it lol you are correct though, doesn't seem to fit in the short. It's also my nod to the title - Erotomania is a condition and it bad cases, the affected beleive that the object of their desire is sending them hidden messages in the media... it could be removed without losing anything though - plus it would cut this thing down which I think it also needs.

The blowjob gesture is supposed to be him making a "drink" gesture, but getting it horribly wrong lol

Good spot on the "laff" - that's how I say it as a brummie - should indeed be "larf"


Quoted from khamanna
Hey Matt. Just read it and it's good for what it is. It reads like a stoner stuff, pretty much so with a bag of sand and all. And the way they talk plays into the tone.
I really liked the dialog.
The thing at the beginning about the coded message - that tripped me off. I was expecting Ariel saying something to Zelda or knowing Zelda, so I think you better take that off.
Otherwise it's all sound.
There were a couple of grammar flops that I noticed. Nothing tripping though. It's instead of its at the bottom of p2. And couple of instances of small-headed letters instead of capped after a period.
Entertaining!


Thanks for the read Kham

Seems the coded message drags this thing down - shame, but needs must - sometimes we have to cut the bits we love

Now that this has aged a bit, I should probably give it a rewrite

Thanks again


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AndyJ
Posted: November 21st, 2019, 10:34am Report to Moderator
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Yes Mathew I'm a London boy born and bred, think Ray Winstone  

The bag of sand was a good joke but would have been better if we hadn't seen it. I was thinking it stays in the boot of the car then thought about the car being outside. You could have them drive in to the warehouse. Then when Gaz asks for payment he is told it's in the car. You could then have a P.O.V from inside the boot of them looking in, with Gaz saying "What the fuck is that"

Anyway I'm not trying to re-write it for you just a suggestion.



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Matthew Taylor
Posted: November 21st, 2019, 10:39am Report to Moderator
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And it is a good suggestion - I like it. As you say, it masks the punchline to the joke from the audience and reveals it at the correct moment. Plus, it gets them in the warehouse quicker and will help to shorten the story. Thank you, that will be implemented it a rewrite - just wish I had thought of it lol


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AndyJ
Posted: November 21st, 2019, 11:35am Report to Moderator
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No problem  
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