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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Erotomania
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  Author    Erotomania  (currently 169 views)
Don
Posted: October 27th, 2018, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Erotomania by Matthew Taylor - Short, Comedy - A gullible teenager is given the chance to meet his celebrity obsession, but his resolve is tested when things don't go as he imagined. 21 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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HyperMatt
Posted: November 2nd, 2018, 5:48pm Report to Moderator
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This starts off as mildly amusing, but it really takes off when we get to Gez and Adnan’s house, and gets funnier as it goes along. There were quite a few moments where I chuckled out loud. To me, this was reminiscent of irreverent Young Ones/ Alexi Sayle-Ben Elton type alternative comedy.  Refreshing to see that 80s style comedy. You probably grew up in the 80s like me, I could really appreciate the London cockney stuff. This feels like it could be set in the Only Fools and Horses Multiverse!

The end scene was particularly amusing, and I was laughing out loud when reading this on the train (Why was I thinking of the last scene in Reservoir Dogs?); I could see it working really well with a laugh track. I did not see that ending coming, it resolves a lot of the questions I had in my head. Like why would Barney think these psychotic nincompoops.

The characters were incredibly well defined comic archetypes, in that, I mean Zelda, Barney, Gez and Adhen. Gez is clearly the ‘nut’ Vivian type, and has the most laughs.

Details you have in slug lines, like a house being cosy, should be in the description below the slug line. BARNEYS CLASSIC BEETLE CAR – You should just right BEETLE CAR, the reader will assume that it is Barney’s car since he is driving.

When doing a short, try and get it under 15 page mark, I think more chance of being read, and forces you to make the structure tight. I can talk, I have not been able to write a short under 15 pages.

The biggest problem I think you have in this script is that it needs a very thorough proofread. There are quite a few typos which I’ve PM’d you. You seem to have missed out full stops on most of your dialogue sentences. I know I have this same problem, and I may get someone, or even hire someone to actually proofread my stuff because it is hard to see all the cracks when you are working so closely on something you are passionate about. Readers quite rightly look down on this, no matter how good the script is. It should be your first priority it getting those typos sorted, and then you have quite an amusing viable piece on your hands.

Apart from the errors, have to say, I really enjoyed it. Maybe it’s because I am a Londoner and enjoy that world.

Good luck with it.
Matthew.



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HyperMatt  -  November 2nd, 2018, 6:21pm
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HyperMatt
Posted: November 2nd, 2018, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
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Erotomania - I had to look up what that meant on Google.


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MarkItZero
Posted: November 3rd, 2018, 8:23am Report to Moderator
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Hey Matt,

Had a quick read and thought this was pretty decent stuff. Some fun twists. I'd say just look for places to trim/tighten things up. See if you can't get to that first plot point of Barney knowing Ariel a bit faster. For example, maybe you don't need the whole thing with the coded letters.

Also, pg. 12, you've already established he's very nervous, don't think you need more dialogue to that effect. Maybe just end the scene right when they're at the door and he asks about the bag of sand.

So a little trim here or there. Keeping in mind to get into a scene as late as possible and leave as early as possible.

That's all nitpicks though. Overall, good job!


That rug really tied the room together.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: November 5th, 2018, 4:30am Report to Moderator
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Thanks so much to you both for taking the time to read this. much appreciated.

I am really glad you both enjoyed it.

Hypermatt

Thank you for taking the time to point out the spelling/grammar mistakes. ironically written English is not my strong point. Will fix the errors as soon as I can. As you say, when you have been working on something, and staring at the same pages, it's hard to see these things.

I am a half 80's child lol I am a sucker for older comedy's though.

I am also glad you liked the cockney stuff, as I am not a cockney I was worried I would screw that part up.

MarkItZero

This short I adapted from my first feature length (of the same name) in which, I explored the Erotomania condition more - the coded letters are a part of that - You may be correct that it is irrelevant for the short, but I left it in for sentimental reasons lol

Knowing when to enter/leave a scene is definitely something I need to work on - you make a good point about page 12

If either of you have anything you want reading, let me know

thanks again

Matt


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