SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is August 26th, 2019, 1:14am
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The August/September Challenge has begun!

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Dirty Grand Dad Dot Com
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Dirty Grand Dad Dot Com  (currently 306 views)
Don
Posted: January 20th, 2019, 11:24am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13198
Posts Per Day
1.94
Dirty Grand Dad Dot Com by RobbieD - Short, Comedy - Three friends contemplate locker-room etiquette in the modern age. 6 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
Max Ruddock
Posted: January 23rd, 2019, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
UK
Posts
120
Posts Per Day
0.10
Hi Robbie

I just had a read. Good job with the writing. Decent standard I reckon. It's a nice quick read, and the jokes worked for me too. My only criticism would be that it felt more like a scene than a short in and of itself.

Cheers

Max
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 6
RobbieD
Posted: January 23rd, 2019, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Location
UK
Posts
21
Posts Per Day
0.10
Thanks Max!

It's my first effort... Yeah, I know what you mean about it feeling more like a scene (or a character study perhaps?)  Appreciate the feedback.


MADAME DORA, CLAIRVOYANT (Horror, Short)
MALLORY GOODE(Horror, Short)
DIRTY GRANDAD DOT COM (Comedy, Short)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 6
Max Ruddock
Posted: January 23rd, 2019, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
UK
Posts
120
Posts Per Day
0.10
You're welcome Robbie.

If that's your first time than I'm really fucking impressed!

I'm not saying I couldn't see it as a short btw, after all there's a lot of flexibility when it comes to scope with shorts. It's just that it felt, for me, more like a scene from a sitcom.

Max
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 6
Matthew Taylor
Posted: January 24th, 2019, 5:48am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
798
Posts Per Day
2.54
Hi Robbie

I agree with Max that this is not really a story in itself.

Disclaimer: I am an amateur myself, so the below is just my personal opinion. You can take it or leave it.

If I were you I would spend a little more time setting the scene up in the beginning. busy/quiet, nice pub? full of ruffians?


Quoted Text
INT. ENGLISH PUB - EVENING
A round table. ROB, MARX, JIM (40's) life-long friends
shooting the breeze over many beers.

Jim returns from placing an order the bar.


Is this an English pub in another country? I suppose it is, if it was set in England you would just say pub. I only ask, because no pubs I go into deliver drinks to my table unless I'm also having food - But this is neither here nor there.

I believe you need to put your action in the sequence that the viewer will see it - For example, the top line you introduce Jim, so now visually I have him sitting at the table. Then next block you have him returning from the bar, so I would move Jims intro down into the second block when we actually see him.

Also good to keep it as visual as possible, rather than tell us they are shooting the breeze over many beers - show us - show us many empty glasses on the table for example - To be honest I think the "shooting the breeze line" is superfluous, since the whole scene is them doing just that.

That's all I have. Very good, especially as you say it was your first attempt, you have obviously done your research/studying
Pretty tight effort I thought

Regards

Matt


Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 6
RobbieD
Posted: January 24th, 2019, 1:30pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Location
UK
Posts
21
Posts Per Day
0.10
Thank you Matthew,

Thats really helpful advice, and totally makes sense to me. Ill implement those changes.

What great advice, Im sitting here thinking of course!!

Cheers.



MADAME DORA, CLAIRVOYANT (Horror, Short)
MALLORY GOODE(Horror, Short)
DIRTY GRANDAD DOT COM (Comedy, Short)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 6
Matthew Taylor
Posted: January 25th, 2019, 5:50am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
798
Posts Per Day
2.54
No problem at all


Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 6
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Comedy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006