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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  The Bizzaro Run
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  Author    The Bizzaro Run  (currently 135 views)
Don
Posted: December 4th, 2018, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Bizarro Run by Rob Herzog - Horror - A man on a nighttime jog crosses paths with pure evil. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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LC
Posted: December 4th, 2018, 10:46pm Report to Moderator
Yellow


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Hi Rob, gave this a read.

Format wise you should open directly after FADE IN.

FADE IN:
** A man runs alone in the dark.

EXT. CITY NEIGHBORHOOD - NIGHT

** That description line (A man runs etc.) should be here. Below the Slugline.

Perhaps 'jogs' is the more apt verb, given he's running for his life later.
And, perhaps Suburban Neighbourhood is more apt too. Doesn't appear visually very 'city'-like.

I like your villain's name. Inspired by the firearm?
https://www.thefirearmblog.com/blog/2013/12/02/sig-sauers-sigm400-muddy-girl/

I don't think you need Mrs Abernathy. Extra character, extra casting, gun action etc. I don't think she adds much. You need to list her house as a location btw, (if you keep her in). Same with the house with the gargoyles, and  the house with the creaking swing - Mini slugs will do, but they are specific points of reference/locations you've written.

I also think you could cut a lot of Steve's dialogue.
I think you're attempting introducing a bit more character with your story i.e., Steve in training as Marathon runner. Not sure all his talk works though.

Sig is a good scary character. I just think the story is a variation (albeit a more gory version) of The Smiling Man short films. Quite a few of them out there, including this one below:

https://youtu.be/_u6Tt3PqIfQ

Your FADE OUT. : should be aligned right.

Hey, horror shorts are popular. Good luck with this.



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MattS
Posted: December 8th, 2018, 10:24am Report to Moderator
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This was an interesting concept. I have wrote a similar story myself of a man been followed but a supernatural creature of sort. I did struggle to follow exactly what was happening at points and I have a similar opinion to LC, It did lose me a bit with the introduction of Mrs Abernathy but nevertheless I liked the idea and was an interesting read.
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RBW_14
Posted: December 9th, 2018, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
Red


I write stuff I think is cool, just like you do.

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How's it going Rob. I enjoyed reading what you created and here are my notes. The story was detailed and i followed it easily but with that said I wasn't really blown away by the chase between supernatural and human, at least that was what I was getting. Also no confrontation happened to where I was in suspense or hoping for Steve to succeed, except for hoping he runs faster. And him talking to himself all i thought was a commercial where Steve's racing for the finish line and then him and Sig meet for the 2nd time. Steve wast really a guy I could root for. I would just suggest bring more to the fight.

Keep it up.


RBW
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