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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  A Scarf
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  Author    A Scarf  (currently 144 views)
Don
Posted: March 10th, 2019, 11:34am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Scarf by Olga Tremaine - Short, Drama, Supernatural - An elderly woman shares some wisdom with her grandson that will possibly change his life. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Zombie Sean
Posted: March 10th, 2019, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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Hey Olga,

Sweet little short you have here. I liked it a lot.

I liked the first few pages, and Edith's belief that everyone who makes something themselves put some of their energy in it, and how Noah's mom puts love in the food for him to eat. Just the idea in general is heartwarming.

My only gripe is that I'd like to see a passage of time between when Noah attempts to finish the scarf to when he does finish the scar and lays it on the coffin in the funeral home scene. A short montage of him struggling, then he gets the hang of it, then he gets better. The scarf can still be amateurishly made, but at least we see it happening instead of a cold cut to it being finished.

Additionally, when did Edith die? She went to the hospital, yes, but how much time passed until she passed? It must've been a while for Noah to learn how to make a scarf but it'd be kind of nice to know roughly how much time had passed, which is why I suggested a montage of Noah learning how to knit. Otherwise, Edith could've passed away the same day she went to the hospital, and her funeral could've been 5 days later, and I don't think Noah could've learned how to finish a scarf in that amount of time. Maybe he could, if he had a talent for it. I dunno, just a thought. These are merely suggestions.

Otherwise, solid script, I liked it a lot. Good job.


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OlgaTremaine
Posted: March 11th, 2019, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Zombie Sean,

Thank you so much for reading the script, I appreciate your time and feedback!

I have to admit I struggled with the issue you mentioned. Obviously, a young boy can't learn how to knit so fast (if at all), and it's probably important to show some sort of timeline where he would keep pursuing the craft. I'll think about how to improve it.

Thank you.
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_ghostwriters
Posted: March 11th, 2019, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
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@Olga

"Until the Lion writes his own story, the tale of the hunt will always glorify the hunter." -African Proverb

I liked it. Nothing original, but then you never said it was.

It evokes emotion very effectively. That's enough.  I also have absolutely no problem with an eight year-old learning to knit real fast.

Side not: Ummmm? What's up with Noah hiding the yarn from his dad?  It escapes me.

Code

 INT. NOAH’S HOUSE - DAY, CONTINUOUS 


This slug; I'd go with this "-" instead.

A few other minor quibbles, but I would be nitpicking for the most part.

Overall,  it is a very cute slice-of-life short... So I'll reiterate again,  I did like it, which is odd, because stories like this isn't my cup of tea...

...Nurse, another valium.


A-CAROLING FOR CHRISTMAS

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA

RISE OF THE AMAZONS

THE SLEEPING TIGER

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"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."
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OlgaTremaine
Posted: March 12th, 2019, 8:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hi _ghostwriter,

Thanks for the feedback.
I'm glad you liked the script. It's a good sign if it evokes emotion even if you are not exactly a fan of the genre.

I found a few typos. I'll work on the ending, now I see it's too choppy.

Thanks again!
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