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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Dog Years
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  Author    Dog Years  (currently 159 views)
Don
Posted: May 11th, 2019, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Dog Years by Jeremy Storey - Short, Drama - Bobby and his canine companion, Barley, go for one last walk, reminiscing about their eventful and emotional 100 dog years together. 27 pages  - pdf format

contests: Bluecat Screenplay Competition 2017 - Quarter Finalist; World Series of Screenwriting 2016 - Finalist; New York Short Film and Screenplay Contest - Official Finalist

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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LC
Posted: May 11th, 2019, 9:22pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Hi Jeremy.

Well, I can see why this has got the plaudits it has.

'Dog Years' is beautifully written with lots of poignant moments and wonderfully descriptive passages. You balance the sweet with the sour harsh reality narrative very well.

A lot of passages really resonated:

HARVEY
That’s ’cos the pain of the past
is closer now, than the joy of
the future


FRED
The dog years. They’re a snapshot
of an era. So, don’t slow down
and don’t speed up. Just... be in
the moment.


Great touches of humour too: The ongoing references to Glengarry Glen Ross, and, Mon petit chou fleur?  Very nicely done.
...

A few typos I noticed, bearing in mind these ones just stuck out:

One of the barber’s waves at Bobby
barbers

She looks at Barley, as Bobby’s continues to sob. She
mouthes the words... "Thank you".

mouths
Bobby (singular)

He has some seperation anxiety.
But now he’d found his forever
home, I’m sure he’ll thrive.


Typo: should be
'separation'
And: Should that be: he's found...?
...
Throughout the script you write 'lay' (past tense) when it should be 'lie'.
Plenty of writers do this so you're not alone, but it's a bugbear of mine. It obviously has not affected you doing well with this script, and nor should it. However -

Examples:
BARLEY, an elderly collie-cocktail, lays by the front
door.
Lies by the front door
To lay down
To lie down
Barley lies down
a small girl lays on the floor
A small girl lies on the floor

For future reference:

Lie v lay
https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/lay-versus-lie


The only qualm I have is that for a Short, it's pretty long.
There appears to be enough material for a feature-length.

This reads as a more hard-core, less fluff and more harsh slice of life, Marley And Me.

As Mary says:
Find your
truth. Write from your heart
.


And that's what you've done.
What we all should do.

A terrific read!



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LC  -  May 11th, 2019, 11:45pm
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Warren
Posted: May 11th, 2019, 10:25pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Jeremy, damn you've got skills.

Another great offering from you. Quite a few easy to spot mistakes, especially in the last few pages, I think you'll pick them on another edit.

The story is great, very touching, and the dialogue is quite exceptional.

I'd only be nitpicking if I mentioned anything else.

Well done.


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Jeremy
Posted: May 12th, 2019, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks again Warren. That's very kind of you.
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Jeremy
Posted: May 12th, 2019, 7:05pm Report to Moderator
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This Script Has Been Reviewed By Shootin' The Shorts

Dog Years
Take a trip down memory lane. The paw-sibilities are endless.

Fun fact: Did you know 1 human year equals 7 dog years?

And we should measure things in dog years. Maybe then, we’d recognize every precious moment for what it is. Sure, “What-ifs” are important. But our “right nows”: even more.
Which is a lesson Barley – the nap loving pup – has been giving troubled owner Bobby for quite a while.  Now in the golden age of his furry life, Barley’s still the best buddy Bobby’s ever had.  And that’s a realization his human companion confirms, as they take a trip (and walk) down memory lane.

From the very first day they met, that trip’s been full of moments one shouldn’t forget. For instance:

That day in the cemetery Bobby drank whiskey near his mother’s grave.  And encountered a then-puppy Barley… yet another desperate stray.

That time Bobby met his human soul mate besides a lake – while Barley romped with her poodle nearby.

The numerous nights Bobby pursued his passion for writing, and faithful Barley snoozed at his feet (rather than pursuing a tennis ball instead.)

And that time Bobby almost saw his journey end in a horrific car crash – if it hadn’t been for Barley slipping out the destroyed back window and finding help.

Yep: for Bobby Barley’s been there, every step.  But now that journey’s nearing its end – because whether one walks on two feet or four, time eventually catches up to us all.
Have you ever shared Life with a dog?  If not, shame on you: go adopt one now, and don’t miss out!  

But if you have:
We GUARANTEE the message of this short will rip at your heartstrings and tear ducts.  It’s real. It’s human. It’s everything that makes dog-life worthwhile.  Much like the classics Where the Red Fern Grows and Old Yeller, Dog Years will suck you in (and lick your face) from the start. Short, sweet, and chock full of sentiment, Dog Years is paws down the most endearing story of man’s best friend that you’ll read in some time.

It’s like taking a long walk with a furry BFF. Bring this tale to the screen, and audiences will remember it’s ending for years (both human and dog) to come.


Review by Karis Watie
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Dustin
Posted: May 13th, 2019, 1:44am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from Jeremy

Fun fact: Did you know 1 human year equals 7 dog years?



Sorry, mate... but this just isn't true.


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Jeremy
Posted: May 13th, 2019, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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Cool. Thanks.
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