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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Hey Sarah
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  Author    Hey Sarah  (currently 118 views)
Posted: August 30th, 2019, 2:50pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Hey Sarah by Dominick Ottone - Short, Drama - {no logline}  7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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Posted: August 31st, 2019, 8:30am Report to Moderator
Been around a while

Sunny Coast. Qld. Australia
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Hi Dominick

I enjoyed the premise and the script  But there were some very frequent grammatical errors in this, including the overuse of capitals, which made the piece a bit frustrating to read in places.

Not sure if the interlude with the friend in the shady neighbourhood added anything to the script.

Some redundant actions like:  "He doesn’t know WHAT to say."... and: "pulls out the bedazzled cellphone he got from Larry"

Good luck with it. CB

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Posted: September 10th, 2019, 12:44pm Report to Moderator
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London, Ontario
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This was a decent little story.

Sounds a bit odd when you used water and rain to describe characters wiping tears away.

Was hoping to know what happened to Sarah. Did she dies from illness .... from an accident? Did Jordan have a part to play in here death, did he cause it somehow?

If possible, perhaps have a flashback at the end that shows what happened while we hear Jordan's message to her phone.
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