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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Indoctrination
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Don
Posted: January 19th, 2020, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Indoctrination by AJ Lovell - Short, Drama - A young man is robbed at knife point which changes his outlook on life and people. He soon gets mixed up with an oranisation that fills his head with hatred. 13 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  February 4th, 2020, 2:31pm
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JohnMcCarthy
Posted: February 1st, 2020, 1:13pm Report to Moderator
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This is a really powerful little story. However, I think it might work better as a feature length script. The plot points and twists seemed to come too quickly. But the dialog is great, and the writing is professional.

One tiny nit-pick: In the first mugging, Dean's phone is stolen. Then, the next morning, he receives a call -- on his phone -- from Josh. Maybe this is his land line? It was a little confusing in any case.
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AndyJ
Posted: February 1st, 2020, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JohnMcCarthy
This is a really powerful little story. However, I think it might work better as a feature length script. The plot points and twists seemed to come too quickly. But the dialog is great, and the writing is professional.

One tiny nit-pick: In the first mugging, Dean's phone is stolen. Then, the next morning, he receives a call -- on his phone -- from Josh. Maybe this is his land line? It was a little confusing in any case.


Thanks for the feedback. Yeah I missed that about the phone. I've changed some bits and will re-write it to explain about the phone. I will be uploading the new version as soon as the submission form is open again.

Thanks again for the headsup


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