Whitest Woods by Anonymous 7 - Short, Thriller - In a cabin deep in the Swedish woods, a young woman is held captive by a mysterious woodsman. Due to her health and weather conditions escape is impossible. She can only wait for her rescue and do what she can to be ready for when they come.   - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

There's a lot of text on screen due to the large action blocks, I'd try condense these and break things up to make for an easier read.

Scripts are normally written in the active voice, not passive like this one... it's a standard newbie mistake and an easy fix...
E.g. 'A storm is raging', would be written as 'A storm rages'

Scene headings, INT. LOCATION - NIGHT/DAY... is standard, DAWN and DUSK some people are okay with, but AFTERNOON doesn't really work. This is because headings indicate the type of light that would be needed if this script was filmed, which is why DAY or NIGHT are standard.

The script is littered with spelling/grammar errors,  e.g. quite on line 4 should be quiet, same error again on 10th line and top of page 2. I suspect English is not your first language, and this can make it really difficult but tools like Grammarly can help.

The opening is a difficult read for the above reasons, but if you check out other scripts you will quickly pick up on better ways to write yours going forward. I'm not going to focus on these script technicalities now, just look at the story.

So a kidnapped woman is drugged, abused and raped repeatedly before her husband and the police arrive in a helicopter arrive and save her.

Sorry, but as a story there's not really enough here as it's either part of a larger story or it needs some expansion to make the characters more real and their situation believable.

As it is it's only 5 pages too you have room to flesh this out.

Well done for getting a script in.

Hey there!

First of all: your script fulfills all the criteria. Nothing wrong here .

Sorry, but the length of your paragraphs is a problem. When you have numerous dense paragraphs follow behind one another, you are likely to scare away your reader. It really makes the read look like hard work.

Sometimes it's enough to break up the paragraphs, but here the paragraphs don't have to be this long in the first place. A lot of your descriptions can be trimmed way down:

Example #1:

INT. MOUNTAIN CABIN - CONTINUED

A rundown cabin interior...

You could cut this by either writing "INT. RUNDOWN MOUNTAIN CABIN" (unless its exterior is in pristine condition ), or you could simply type "Rundown." in your action line, since we already know WHERE we are.

Example #2:

Claire looks on as the woodsman fills the syringe with the liquid from the bottle. She stops rattling her chains as she notices him filling the syringe.

Here you kind of give us the same info twice. This could just read:

Claire stops rattling the chains as she sees the woodsman fill the syringe.

This happens a lot in the script. The best bet is to look at every single line and ask yourself: Is this info necessary and could it be conveyed in less words? .

This also goes for your logline. This could just read "In a cabin deep in the Swedish woods, a young woman is held captive by a mysterious woodsman."

Just try to keep things short. You'll see it will make your writing more crisp and even more tension-filled

Moving on to the story and characters.

SPOILERS:

Claire, although trying to escape, is a very passive character in this story. I was hoping she'd turn out to be the hero, but instead she is a hostage who has to wait for her saviours. I'm not saying that this approach can't work, but seeing her raped twice without her being able to do something about it was a real downer for me. It was pretty negative and dark, and I couldn't really enjoy the content. Also, it would be good to get to learn more about her and her captor. More background, more character attributes, etc.

However - none of this is meant to discourage you in any way! Just my (unprofessional) opinion. But, looking at your writing, I can see that you definitely try to create a certain mood and occasionally convey exactly what you want the camera to show, which I can appreciate

The script is riddled with format errors, typos, way too long action blocks, passive voice, etc. Far too many to provide a helpful list here. After the contest if you need specifics hit me up with a PM and I'll help.

Look for inconsistent dialogue. Here:

Quoted Text CLAIRE: Well fuck you too pencil dick!

Is really from left field given the scene you have painted.

Anyway - good job on entering - but there is a lot of work needed on this one.

Sorry, I wrote "encourage" instead of "discourage" up there, earlier. Big, bad mistake! Hope you didn't take it the wrong way. Apologies!

Ok, I think you probably had something worthwhile in mind with this, but as written, it didn't pull me into the story.  In fact, a scene near the end might have been there to illustrate a point, but it made me less receptive to this.

Female characters with no maternal instinct or are weak get my goat.  I'd like to beat the living crap out of them.   Just saying.  Flip it around. I want the table to turn and the woman (Claire) saves herself.  Oh well.

The less clutter you incorporate in your writing of a script I would suggest for the better... Less is more. Anyhoo -- kudos for entering.-A

Others have commented on the script structure/formatting and issues there, so I won’t repeat it. Perhaps this is someone fairly new to screenplay writing? If so this is all part of the learning process.

The only thing I have to add is story-wise I was confused. I didn’t know why she was kidnapped or how she became rescued. I thought she’d spiked the medicine or something but it wasn’t clear if she accomplished anything during her brief escape apart from drinking the vodka. Now that I’m writing this I’m thinking maybe she was trying to abort the baby? It just isn’t clear.

Anyway, well done for entering and I hope these comments help you pick up some pointers for the 2nd draft.

As I go:

- Early dialogue doesn't fit the serious tone
- The big question these stories all have to answer: why are we starting now/what's new? Why is Claire kicking up a fuss in the beginning? She knows what the consequences will be, and she's been here for (some unknown) amount of time. If the story starts with her antagonizing the guy, she has to be trying to gain something by doing it.
- Overwritten
- Does this montage establish anything that the scenes haven't already? I'm not sure we need a time passage here since the opening suggests she has been here and in this state for some time.
- Related: how many times does an audience want to watch this lady vomit in ten minutes?
- Not much drama to the escape. This would be better if she tried something *new* to get free.
- Ugh. Gross story.

Thoughts:

- More a slice-of-life horror than a thriller. We've seen this scenario a lot of times, and all this one really does is wallow in it. The reveal about the woodsman doesn't add much because the story is over/tension is gone at this point. Basically just a short of gross things happening.
- The protagonist is super passive and doesn't have much else going on either.
- If you're going to include such unpleasant content, I suggest having a very clear reason for doing so. It can be any reason from "I want to make an important point about how violence works" to "I want to break as many taboos as I can," but know what your reason is and stick with it. This script, for me, doesn't have a clear reason for doing what it's doing. It's a simple little torture porn (kidnap porn?) piece that isn't serious enough or having enough fun.

Chris

Hi writer,

Yeah, okay, I opened the script, saw a cluster-fuq of text and thought… well, I’m assuming you know what I thought.

For an OWC and 33 scripts to go, something like this can really throw a monkey wrench into the mechanics of ‘fairness’ That being, how am I gonna plow through this and be justifiably fair when I know it’s gonna be a task to read. But, not to be a whiny bitch about it I read it anyway, and I didn’t skim, or err… homogenize for that matter.

Seeing as most of what you scripted is completely redundant in the first place, there’s not really much input that I could give you regarding feedback. It’s actually a very lean and simple story at hand.

CLAIRE: Well fuck you too pencil dick!

OK, well... you telecast up front that the Woodsman was having his way with Claire, but I didn’t think much of it till he drugged and raped her, so, well done to Claire for keeping her cool and finding subtle ways to send her torment back at him, and making him feel like a little man.

The Woodsman’s reality is a rough trade: rape, and the bullshit that goes along with it. The stakes are high, very high. It’s a hate crime, but also involves someone who wants to overpower someone weaker than them, and the last thing they want to hear is that their prime format of punishment (penetration), is less that satisfactory to actually cause any physical pain.

Claire not giving into the mental conditioning this Woodsman wants to have over her makes her somewhat heroic in my book, keeping her head on and insulting his pathetic attempt to be a real man, cause let’s face it, the guy’s a whack-job.

Not sure what the reveal was at the end with the photograph, and I’ve read few chunks of text two or three times to figure it out… incomplete, unfortunately. Onward and upward, that whole chestnut. Keep writing, you’ll figure out soon enough how to trim that fat-text and get to the point. Your writing is descriptive, you’ve got that down, just be cautious you don’t repeat the same scenes over and over, unless your writing about a time-loop.

Hello,

there's some overwriting in your script. You often explain a picture in a qualified way and then repeat yourself (re: wedding ring -- free from radiator). More trust in the reader.

So, she drinks his vodka instead of making/having a plan to overpower him?

I mean, she's captured there for a long time and 'most' of her thinking so far should have been about how to use that tiny moment to oppose him when given once...

While the late reveal with the picture (back-story of the woodsman) was the most interesting part to me, it was still somehow unclear. I guess he turned the family pictures because he felt ashamed of himself and his behavior… I guess.

The Woodsman character is a damn creepy character for sure and Claire had a lot of my empathy because of that nightmare, just…
give us either more mystery along the way, or let the climax explode in a creative fresh way. The script just misses a further specific aspect that makes it unique.

But it feels you had a time problem and couldn't develop the script as you wanted to. I think you're a far better screenwriter than your performance has been this time. Some writing blocks were truly great: the rape shots f.i. were spot on, especially from the point of view regarding how to show it to an audience in an acceptable way. These passages worked very, very well. As said, I bet you had some time issues. All good ;-)

Hello, Writer

Holy ham on a sandwich - that's a lot of text.

I do apologise writer (especially if you have read/commented on my entry) but I have limited time to read/comment on the entries, and looking at that first page - I just can't do it.

Others seem to have given you some good advice though - Hopefully, it's helpful to you

Best of luck

Holy smokes. Way over written. Big action blocks. Too many words.

EXT. CABIN - SWEDEN -DAY

Dim light from inside this small cabin is barely visible through the raging blizzard.

So second script in a row riddled with typo and grammar issues. I read your story and I have thoughts on it but since you didn't take the time to proofread, I'm not going to take the time to give you thoughts.

Good luck.

Sorry, but WAY WAY TOO MANY issues to even consider offering help.

Keep at it and read scripts, ask questions.  You'll get there.

Well written story about imprisonment, rape and miscarriage. In other words, same old same old.

The odd font on the title page is an bad omen of things to come; sure enough, no page numbers, blocks of text,  past tense grammar, spelling errors, "Abruptly" (happens in the moment) and overwriting. Is snow cold? Why do I need to be told that it is?

Claire throwing up while being chained. Obviously abducted at some point,  the majority of the script focuses onher tragic abusive situation. We don't know anything about how or why, what motivates Woodsman, Claire is rescued by characters led by John, someone close to her. John isn't "with" the Special Forces officers...so what's he doing there? Law enforcement is kicking down doors, ready to stop a psycho with an ax.  Here comes an unarmed loved one, piratically leading the charge. Yeah, sure.  They just show up.

All and all,it appears to be written under the gun,  not much proofreading. It's a rough draft written in a OWC,I guess it counts for something.