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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Jonny Quest
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  Author    Jonny Quest  (currently 45 views)
Don
Posted: March 22nd, 2020, 12:43pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Jonny Quest - Surd's story by Howard T. Hollywood - Short, Sci fi, Fantasy - After years of hiding, a brilliant young Scientist returns to claim what was once his. Depicts the story of BENTON C. QUEST and RACHEL J. WILDEY whose love affair transforms JEREMIAH J. SURD - A brilliant young Scientist - into a Global terror. 34 pages - pdf format

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_ghostwriters
Posted: March 27th, 2020, 6:16am Report to Moderator
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I am a writer first and a critic second.

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I'll offer up some notes, since it's relatively quiet on here.  Two big things right off the bat.

Well, first and foremost (or at least what I noticed first), your capitalizing a lot of words that don't need to be capitalized. If you emphasize every other word, the things that NEED to be emphasized are going to get lost in a sea of capped words. For example, WALKS... HUGS...KNEELS...WAVES... secondly, lose the watermarks.

You need to capitalize the names of the characters as you introduce them as well as provide their ages and a brief physical description. The Judge/the Military guy/his mother/father, ect...  the screenwriting basics.

On the positive side, the dialogue, it's good for the most part.  You wrote with clarity and are tackling an ambitious project.

That being said, I don't like your logline at all.  It's not really even a logline.  What is your lead trying to do?  What is the overall shape of the plot?  I'd encourage you to think of your logline as taking your characters til the end of the first act ... that is to say, your lead has a goal of some kind that will define the movie.

Keep at it!

Ghost


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."


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_ghostwriters  -  March 28th, 2020, 6:17am
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